DEAR NATALIE: I recently discovered that my business partner has been stealing from me for years. I found out because my son-in-law – who is also an accountant – offered to handle my taxes this year. I admit that I don’t keep as good of a record of everything as I should. He quickly realized that my partner – who has access to all of the accounts – was skimming money off the top. I never noticed because while I look regularly, I don’t do a deep dive very often. He was just taking a little at a time, randomly, so that’s partly why I didn’t catch on. I confronted him. He didn’t even act apologetic. He said he would do it when I “annoyed him.” This guy has known me for 20 years. I was shocked that he would do this to me since we’ve been friends for so long. My son-in-law said I should terminate our partnership immediately. I have mixed feelings. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I know that what he did was wrong. Am I crazy for just trusting him and moving forward? –BAD PARTNER

DEAR BAD PARTNER: You know that old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me"? You may be living that shortly if you don’t pull it together. Your friend of 20 years stole from you. Doesn’t matter why. Doesn’t matter how much. He stole from you. Are you willing to move beyond this and put nothing in place so that it doesn’t happen again? I wonder what this says about your sense of self-worth. Do you think so little of yourself that you'd allow someone to walk all over you, laugh in your face about it, and not even promise to stop stealing from you? Sit with that for a moment. If you don’t want to dissolve the business, at the very least, you need to remove his access to the accounts. Your son-in-law can set up payroll if that’s not in place, but he should not have direct access to funds anymore. I would also ask yourself how he would respond if the shoe was on the other foot. Would he be so conciliatory? Would he be showing such quick forgiveness? And why are you?

DEAR NATALIE: My kids are in their early 20s and have been estranged from me and their stepmother for about five years. During my divorce from their mother, there was a lot of negativity spewed at me – they were truly manipulated by their mother to turn on me. It's been incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I didn't see my kids much when they were teens because of their mother, but I have always financially supported them. I have an 11-year-old daughter with my second wife, and the three of us are happy. My older kids still won’t speak to me, but they are finally starting to speak to their sister via text and FaceTime. She wants to invite them for Christmas, but my wife is worried that they won’t show. She doesn’t want our daughter to be hurt, and she feels they owe me an apology for cutting me out of their lives. I think we should just see what happens. I think if they show up at Christmas, there could be a chance for reconciliation, and I don’t want to ruin that. My wife feels like there needs to be a conversation prior to Christmas. She doesn’t want a bunch of drama. What do you think we should do? — DAD WANTS PEACE

DEAR DAD WANTS PEACE: While I empathize with your wife in this situation and recognize that she is just looking out for you, she needs to let this unfold naturally. If the kids are willing to come around for the holidays, let’s see what happens. If you start with an apology, they may let their guard down and share what has been on their minds. If you demand a “sit down” discussion before the holiday, they may shut down. Your youngest daughter is the one with the most to lose right now. She is also the one least equipped to handle all of this emotional turmoil. So for her sake, tread lightly. It sounds as though there is a lot of pent-up emotional trauma on both sides. Instead of trying to unpack that the first time you are back together, just have some fun together. Keep it light, and work towards a reconciliation one text, one visit, one dinner at a time. I wish you the best! 

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DEAR NATALIE: My brother wanted to propose to his girlfriend last month but didn’t have a lot of money for a ring. I had broken off my engagement earlier in the year because I caught my fiancé cheating – he felt bad about all of it and let me keep the ring. It was valued at $7,500 when my ex bought it. I told my brother he could buy the ring from me for $3,000, and he agreed. My older sister and her husband witnessed this arrangement while we were at my house having dinner. So, he proposed. She said yes and she went to have the ring appraised. They appraised it at $5,000. Now my brother said he won’t give me what I asked and what he agreed on. He wants to give me $2,000, instead. His fiancee doesn’t know about how he re-used my engagement ring. (She never saw it when I was engaged). I don’t know what to do because this isn’t what we agreed on. I told him if he won’t give me the amount that we agreed on, he needs to give it back. He won’t return my calls. I don’t want to cause a war, but a deal is a deal. Any ideas on how to remedy this? –BAD DEAL

DEAR BAD DEAL: The reality is that your brother was given something in good faith assuming he would pay you. The fact that he is trying to back out of this deal is ridiculous, especially since he will be spending far less than what your ex paid for the ring and what it is currently valued at. I would be fuming – not because of the money – but because of how he took advantage of your kindness and support and is now turning on you. I would send him a text message and make it very clear that unless he responds and works on a payment plan with you for the full amount, you will let his fiancé know within 24 hours what he’s been up to. Sounds harsh? Good. Maybe this will jolt him awake and he will want to honor this agreement if for no other reason than to save face. I would also eventually talk with him about what was going through his head when he decided to ghost you over money. If he couldn’t afford the ring, why didn’t he tell you that? If he is embarrassed, he needs to share what is on his mind and be honest with you. You can’t have a meaningful relationship based on mistrust. You can work with him and his situation, but hiding like a child is not the answer. But don’t say any of that until this money is back in your bank account, where it belongs. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner (again). My sister and her family always come early, leave late, make a mess, and don’t contribute more than a bottle of wine. We have a large family, so it is a massive undertaking to cook for 20-plus people. While I understand that hosting “isn’t her thing,” I feel as though she takes advantage of my hospitality. Is it tacky for me to ask her to make a financial contribution this year? I spend hundreds of dollars on this dinner every year. Would I be wrong to ask her to chip in $75 or $100? Her family alone eats double that amount, easily! – DON’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME

DEAR STILL HERE FOR HER: Instead of singling her family out, why not send an email to everyone that is invited this year saying that they can either contribute a side dish/dessert, or if they prefer, contribute financially? I wouldn’t demand a certain dollar amount, but I would let everyone have the opportunity to contribute in whatever way that they can. Make it clear that they are more than welcome to bring a bottle of their favorite beverage, but that the food is really where you could use some support. Sometimes, we take on so much and don’t think about the reality of what that means to us – mentally, physically, or financially. If hosting is becoming too much of a burden, perhaps rotating to different homes is a better option. While I am sure you feel resentment towards your sister, it is up to us to set boundaries for how we interact with others. She may be clueless as to how you really feel. Give her the opportunity to contribute and see what happens this year. She may surprise you. And if not? Send me another letter and we will talk about the next steps! 

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have worked to save for a house for many years. This past year, we finally scraped together enough money and we were excited about the prospect of owning our first home together. In fact, it will be the first time either of us has ever owned a home. We are in our mid-40s and I never thought this day would come. Well, my stepdaughter has decided that she needs to come home. She is 26-years-old and just broke up with her long-time boyfriend. She has never held a steady job and wants to stay with us while she gets her life together. This means we will need to find a bigger house. I have suggested to her that she will need to pay rent to help us offset the cost of a larger home and a slightly bigger mortgage payment. She was really upset by the thought of that. I told her the other options would be that we get the original house we wanted and she would have to either sleep on the sofa until she finds a job and apartment, or she can take over the lease of our current one-bedroom apartment. Neither option appealed to her. I don’t think it is fair for her to assume that she can just disrupt our lives and move home on a whim, without having to pay rent. My husband – of course – is waffling. He said he doesn’t want her to “feel bad” and wants her home with us. I am frustrated because they are teaming up against me on this. How can I convince him that it is in her best interest to get back up on her feet and not baby her? She is his only child, and I think there is a lot of guilt on his end for not being around much when she was growing up. Any suggestions? –NO FREELOADING 

DEAR NO FREELOADING: I would reframe this argument. By letting her crash – for as long as she wants – and not having to pay rent, you are both enabling her behavior and therefore not helping her move her life forward. Share with your husband why creating boundaries and expectations is important for his daughter as she becomes more and more independent. You don’t want this cycle of every time there’s a breakup, there’s a knock at the door. Teaching her how to manage her finances and have responsibilities will help improve her self-worth over time. She is not a child. If he treats her as such, she will act as such. The most loving thing you can do for her – which is also pragmatic – is make her stand on her own two feet. You can assist her in that transition, but she needs to sign something that says she will move in on a certain date, contribute X amount of dollars a month while living with you, and then move out on a certain date. Stand your ground, or you will never be rid of this toxic cycle.  

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for seven years. During the early days of COVID, we moved back in with each other because our college-aged kids were staying with us and we all wanted to be under one roof. One night – after a few too many glasses of wine – my ex and I slept together. Neither of us had remarried since our divorce or really dated anyone seriously. I think we always still carried torches for each other in a way, but we just didn’t work as a couple. Living together again was actually really nice and I realized that maybe he just needed time to grow up. We continued sneaking around for months until our kids caught on and realized we were (sort of?) back together. My eldest daughter told me that he is planning on proposing again around Thanksgiving. She was sworn to secrecy but felt that I had a right to know since it would be such a big life change, yet again. She isn’t convinced that we should get re-married and told me that I better "not break dad’s heart again.” I had an affair years ago when she was very small because I was so unhappy. It took a toll on all of us. So now I’m nervous that he may propose, because while I do want to marry him, what if I mess it up again? – OLDER BUT AM I WISER?

DEAR OLDER BUT AM I WISER: It takes two to tango. Infidelity is often a symptom of a larger issue in the marriage not being addressed. You said that you didn’t “work as a couple” and that he “needed time to grow up.” Were you feeling resentful all those years ago, and so you cheated because you were also emotionally immature? Having the tools to communicate more effectively now that you are both older (and I hope a little wiser!) could help head off any of these old red flags. Has he grown up? Have you worked through your infidelity and what drove you to that place? Clearly, he must still love you very much if he is willing to give it another go, based on what you've written here. It is worth fighting for if you feel the same way. You could always seek counseling together prior to formalizing your second marriage together, to work on anything that may be holding you back or that caused past resentments to build. I am excited for you and this second chance of love. Remember to be honest with yourself through this process and to recognize that maybe you both needed to grow up. This can be your chance to prove that you have.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

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“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

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