DEAR NATALIE: My brother wanted to propose to his girlfriend last month but didn’t have a lot of money for a ring. I had broken off my engagement earlier in the year because I caught my fiancé cheating – he felt bad about all of it and let me keep the ring. It was valued at $7,500 when my ex bought it. I told my brother he could buy the ring from me for $3,000, and he agreed. My older sister and her husband witnessed this arrangement while we were at my house having dinner. So, he proposed. She said yes and she went to have the ring appraised. They appraised it at $5,000. Now my brother said he won’t give me what I asked and what he agreed on. He wants to give me $2,000, instead. His fiancee doesn’t know about how he re-used my engagement ring. (She never saw it when I was engaged). I don’t know what to do because this isn’t what we agreed on. I told him if he won’t give me the amount that we agreed on, he needs to give it back. He won’t return my calls. I don’t want to cause a war, but a deal is a deal. Any ideas on how to remedy this? –BAD DEAL
DEAR BAD DEAL: The reality is that your brother was given something in good faith assuming he would pay you. The fact that he is trying to back out of this deal is ridiculous, especially since he will be spending far less than what your ex paid for the ring and what it is currently valued at. I would be fuming – not because of the money – but because of how he took advantage of your kindness and support and is now turning on you. I would send him a text message and make it very clear that unless he responds and works on a payment plan with you for the full amount, you will let his fiancé know within 24 hours what he’s been up to. Sounds harsh? Good. Maybe this will jolt him awake and he will want to honor this agreement if for no other reason than to save face. I would also eventually talk with him about what was going through his head when he decided to ghost you over money. If he couldn’t afford the ring, why didn’t he tell you that? If he is embarrassed, he needs to share what is on his mind and be honest with you. You can’t have a meaningful relationship based on mistrust. You can work with him and his situation, but hiding like a child is not the answer. But don’t say any of that until this money is back in your bank account, where it belongs.
DEAR NATALIE: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner (again). My sister and her family always come early, leave late, make a mess, and don’t contribute more than a bottle of wine. We have a large family, so it is a massive undertaking to cook for 20-plus people. While I understand that hosting “isn’t her thing,” I feel as though she takes advantage of my hospitality. Is it tacky for me to ask her to make a financial contribution this year? I spend hundreds of dollars on this dinner every year. Would I be wrong to ask her to chip in $75 or $100? Her family alone eats double that amount, easily! – DON’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME
DEAR STILL HERE FOR HER: Instead of singling her family out, why not send an email to everyone that is invited this year saying that they can either contribute a side dish/dessert, or if they prefer, contribute financially? I wouldn’t demand a certain dollar amount, but I would let everyone have the opportunity to contribute in whatever way that they can. Make it clear that they are more than welcome to bring a bottle of their favorite beverage, but that the food is really where you could use some support. Sometimes, we take on so much and don’t think about the reality of what that means to us – mentally, physically, or financially. If hosting is becoming too much of a burden, perhaps rotating to different homes is a better option. While I am sure you feel resentment towards your sister, it is up to us to set boundaries for how we interact with others. She may be clueless as to how you really feel. Give her the opportunity to contribute and see what happens this year. She may surprise you. And if not? Send me another letter and we will talk about the next steps!
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