DEAR NATALIE: My daughters are constantly fighting. I had my eldest daughter with my first wife and my second daughter with my second wife ten years later. Both girls lived primarily with me and my second wife throughout their lives. My eldest always looked at her younger sister as a nuisance – maybe because they were so far apart in age. As adults, they don’t have much to connect on – my eldest is 38 and her sister is 28. The older one married a very wealthy man and they live a fairly extravagant lifestyle. My younger daughter is more “bohemian” – not setting down roots or keeping a steady job. For the holidays, the eldest invited us all to Hawaii – fully paid. But, they recently got into a big argument and now they aren’t speaking. My youngest said she isn’t going on this trip. Her mother and I have begged her to reconsider. We want them to patch this up. My older daughter said she doesn’t care if she comes or not, which is only making things worse. My ex-wife has thrown her hands up. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts? –CONCERNED DAD OF DAUGHTERS
DEAR CONCERNED DAD OF DAUGHTERS: It would be a shame if your daughters don’t find their way back to one another. One day, they may be all the other has, and then, family may be of more value to them. But it could be too late if they don’t work it out. You aren’t asking them to become best friends, but can’t they at least hang out a few times a year? And who could be miserable on a Hawaiian vacation? Ask them each if they are just willing to meet with you (as a buffer) for a coffee in the next few weeks to chat about things. Most likely it is a small thing that has blown up into a big thing due to miscommunications and unresolved hurt feelings. If they won’t meet with each other, you may just have to let it go. This is their path to walk and while we can try to work on relationships, we also can’t pick our family. Over time, they may realize that while they have a lot to work on, perhaps having a friendly relationship is better than none at all. Time provides perspective. Until then, just love them both and offer to support reconciliation whenever it may come.
DEAR NATALIE: My step-daughter just had a baby and hasn’t wanted me to come and visit my grandchild yet. Her father and I divorced after 25 years together, but I have always been included in family events. I helped raise her. I’ve known her since she was 9-years-old. I am heartbroken that she is choosing to leave me out. Her father takes my side on this and we have an amicable relationship even though we are no longer together. She recently told him she doesn’t know “why I want to see the baby, I’m not ‘really’ the grandmother.” But since her mother has passed, I am the only one on her side to be a grandmother-figure. I'm not sure why she is pushing me away. We have always gotten along and had a nice relationship. How should I proceed? I want to be mindful of the delicateness of all of this, but I am truly hurt and heartbroken. Any thoughts? –STILL HERE FOR HER
DEAR STILL HERE FOR HER: Your step-daughter has just gone through the most profound transformation someone can experience: becoming a mother. Perhaps she is having a hard time wrapping her head around this and needs a moment to let it all settle in. She may be missing her own mother as well as experiencing the highs and lows of being postpartum. Give her a minute to digest it all. Perhaps send a hot meal to help ease some of the stress along with a letter sharing your excitement for her. Remind her how much you love her and how you hope to have the chance to share in this beautiful moment. If she doesn’t come around right away, try not to take it personally. Let your ex-husband speak on your behalf and see if he can help to soften the edges. In time, she may realize the benefits of having you there, as support for both her and her new baby. Tread lightly, take it slow, but keep pushing forward. Eventually, she may come around.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.
Follow her on Twitter
@NatalieBenci
Check out her weekly shows
“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on
Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga