DEAR NATALIE: I recently was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my husband decided to file for divorce one week after my diagnosis. He claims it has “nothing to do with my illness", but I disagree. While we haven’t had a perfect marriage, he was never one to complain about me, as I did everything for him these past 30 years. And now that I need him? He is leaving. My children are furious with him. He confided in our oldest son that he “can’t be with someone who needs this level of care because he isn’t ‘equipped’ to handle it.” How do you just walk away from your life partner when they need you the most? My sister has told me I can live with her and her husband, but I don’t want to be a burden to her. I won’t be able to take care of myself, however, and I am now reeling from the news of him leaving me. My daughters begged him to reconsider, and now they aren’t speaking to him. They don’t understand how someone can flip a switch like this. He is currently living in an apartment down the street from me. He calls, but I won’t pick up. He needs to apologize, come home, and deal with this like a grown man. What is your advice on how to deal with him? I’m at a loss. –SICK AND SICK AND TIRED OF IT DEAR SICK AND SICK AND TIRED OF IT: I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Please accept support from your family, first and foremost. If you qualify for hospice or at-home care, please seek that out until you decide where you want to live or can afford to live. In the meantime, I would not try to communicate with your estranged husband if he is causing more stress for you. This is abusive behavior. Life is hard. Life kicks us and knocks us down. How we react to that shows our character. He is a coward for not supporting you in your time of need especially knowing how you have taken care of him. I would write him a letter. Give yourself some sense of closure. He has blown up his life, his marriage, and his relationship with possibly all of his children. For what? Because he is afraid? He needs to seek therapy. Encourage your children to talk to him. The way he is behaving shows that he isn’t accepting reality and is in denial. I am in no way condoning his behavior, but the reality is, once the shock of what he has done has worn off – then what? Is he really going to let you go through this alone? Whatever he decides to do will weigh on his conscience. In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself in every way possible. Seek therapy to deal with these two huge transformative events. Take solace in your kids and family who are there for you and do whatever forms of self-care you can to ease your burden along the way. I wish you nothing but the best.
DEAR NATALIE: We took our kids out for Halloween and swung by the home of the friend of one of my sons. We hadn’t yet met the parents, so my husband and I thought it would be a good time to introduce ourselves since they are also one of the only same-sex couples in the community. We were taken aback (to say the least) when we saw a lot of right-leaning political signs in their yard. When we opened the door, the one (white) parent was dressed as Diana Ross, and his husband had a MAGA hat on. At first, we didn’t know what to say. We were dressed as superheroes with our son as Spiderman. They welcomed us into their home and offered us wine while the kids played for about 15 minutes. It was incredibly awkward. They made more than a few comments that made our eyebrows raise. I told my husband I didn’t want our son going back over there. My husband – who is incredibly progressive – feels as though I am being “intolerant.” Our son likes his classmate, and my husband thinks it would be punishing him to not let them hang out. But I cannot be around them. It was disgusting how they were talking to us about different “issues” in the community. Also, as gay men, how can they even talk about these things without acknowledging our own historic struggles? I don’t know how to remedy this, as they invited us over for dinner in the coming weeks. Any thoughts on how to bow out politely? –NO WE AREN’T FRIENDS
DEAR NO WE AREN’T FRIENDS: You absolutely do not have to hang out with them if you don’t want to. If the kids like to play together, offer to host them so you don’t have to go over there. It’s rough enough out there right now without having to deal with people you don’t know and don’t care to know. It would be frustrating to be around people who are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community – and whose rights are also on the chopping block – who act so flippantly about these issues. To dress up like a Black woman for Halloween is also a red flag, knowing what Black people have experienced and are experiencing in terms of hate and institutionalized racism. A MAGA hat doesn’t exactly make things any easier as it pertains to building bridges here. You don’t have to engage with them. Period. And please don’t let anyone guilt you into feeling otherwise. Protect your mental health this election season. And don’t forget to vote.
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