DEAR NATALIE: My father recently passed away and he left me his substantial estate. He did not leave anything to my brother or my two other sisters. There was a lot of tension in our family before he died and he cut everyone out of the will except me. Our mother died ten years ago, so everything is now mine. My siblings are furious. I think the reason my father cut them out was because he didn’t feel as though they were supportive of him or came to visit. Because I live close by, I was able to spend several nights a week with him. I don’t have any children and I never married. I live alone a few miles from him with my two cats. My sister told me that I should give them what they deserve since “I have no one to leave it to, anyway.” That hurt me. I love my nieces and nephews and was planning on setting up trusts for them. I feel as though my siblings are very jealous and now my brother is planning to contest the will, saying that I “manipulated our father.” This broke my heart and has created such tension in our family. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. Should I just split this with them and move on with my life? My friends tell me I have every right to keep the money, but I hate hurting my siblings. What should I do? -MESSY ESTATE
DEAR MESSY ESTATE: I’m so sorry that you are going through such a challenging time with your siblings. If your father was of sound mind when he changed his will, then your brother most likely won’t have much of a case to argue. I’m certainly not an expert in estate law, but it may be worth having a lawyer look everything over. Assuming you are the sole heir, it is then up to you to decide what you want to do with the money. If you want to create trusts to go to your nephews and nieces, there are financial advisors and lawyers that can help you set those up. Letting your siblings know of your intent may help to take the sting out of how they feel. But it is not up to you to make them “feel” better. At the end of the day, their experience with their father was their own. If you want to share the wealth and give them each “gifts” from the estate, make sure you talk with financial professionals on how to do that. You are under no obligation to do this, especially considering how nasty they are being towards you. If this was your father’s dying wish that you – and you alone – inherit this estate, bear that in mind when considering how you want to share it with your siblings. I think you have a good heart. Please don’t feel guilty about accepting this gift from your father. And please don’t let your family manipulate you into getting what they want and then leaving you out in the cold.
DEAR NATALIE: Since transitioning, my sister has dressed in head-to-toe black, like an old-fashioned widow. She showed pre-transition photos of herself to my six-year-old daughter and said that this was her late husband. She apparently claimed to still have his remains and took my daughter to a cemetery to help select a spot for his grave. Am I wrong to think that this is disrespectful to real widows and widowers? Do I need to set the record straight with my daughter right now? My daughter may or may not remember her “uncle” but I don’t expect she will figure this out on her own any time soon as my sister has substantially changed her appearance and her voice. Thoughts? -CONCERNED SIBLING AND PARENT
DEAR CONCERNED SIBLING AND PARENT: Your sister has the right to live how she feels most authentic, but creating a dead husband in order to mourn this part of her past self should be something that she does privately. Explain to your sister that you fully support and love her, but fabricating a story about her process could be harmful to everyone’s relationships down the road. Please approach this gently. If your sister is in a fragile state, you don’t want to create more tension. There is nothing wrong with your sister’s desire to grieve as she works to move forward and embrace her new self. But the story she is telling your daughter isn’t necessary and she needs to remedy that.
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