DEAR NATALIE: My father recently passed away and he left me his substantial estate. He did not leave anything to my brother or my two other sisters. There was a lot of tension in our family before he died and he cut everyone out of the will except me. Our mother died ten years ago, so everything is now mine. My siblings are furious. I think the reason my father cut them out was because he didn’t feel as though they were supportive of him or came to visit. Because I live close by, I was able to spend several nights a week with him. I don’t have any children and I never married. I live alone a few miles from him with my two cats. My sister told me that I should give them what they deserve since “I have no one to leave it to, anyway.” That hurt me. I love my nieces and nephews and was planning on setting up trusts for them. I feel as though my siblings are very jealous and now my brother is planning to contest the will, saying that I “manipulated our father.” This broke my heart and has created such tension in our family. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. Should I just split this with them and move on with my life? My friends tell me I have every right to keep the money, but I hate hurting my siblings. What should I do? -MESSY ESTATE

DEAR MESSY ESTATE: I’m so sorry that you are going through such a challenging time with your siblings.  If your father was of sound mind when he changed his will, then your brother most likely won’t have much of a case to argue. I’m certainly not an expert in estate law, but it may be worth having a lawyer look everything over. Assuming you are the sole heir, it is then up to you to decide what you want to do with the money. If you want to create trusts to go to your nephews and nieces, there are financial advisors and lawyers that can help you set those up. Letting your siblings know of your intent may help to take the sting out of how they feel. But it is not up to you to make them “feel” better. At the end of the day, their experience with their father was their own. If you want to share the wealth and give them each “gifts” from the estate, make sure you talk with financial professionals on how to do that. You are under no obligation to do this, especially considering how nasty they are being towards you. If this was your father’s dying wish that you – and you alone – inherit this estate, bear that in mind when considering how you want to share it with your siblings. I think you have a good heart. Please don’t feel guilty about accepting this gift from your father. And please don’t let your family manipulate you into getting what they want and then leaving you out in the cold. 

DEAR NATALIE: Since transitioning, my sister has dressed in head-to-toe black, like an old-fashioned widow. She showed pre-transition photos of herself to my six-year-old daughter and said that this was her late husband. She apparently claimed to still have his remains and took my daughter to a cemetery to help select a spot for his grave. Am I wrong to think that this is disrespectful to real widows and widowers? Do I need to set the record straight with my daughter right now? My daughter may or may not remember her “uncle” but I don’t expect she will figure this out on her own any time soon as my sister has substantially changed her appearance and her voice. Thoughts? -CONCERNED SIBLING AND PARENT

DEAR CONCERNED SIBLING AND PARENT: Your sister has the right to live how she feels most authentic, but creating a dead husband in order to mourn this part of her past self should be something that she does privately. Explain to your sister that you fully support and love her, but fabricating a story about her process could be harmful to everyone’s relationships down the road. Please approach this gently. If your sister is in a fragile state, you don’t want to create more tension. There is nothing wrong with your sister’s desire to grieve as she works to move forward and embrace her new self. But the story she is telling your daughter isn’t necessary and she needs to remedy that.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I just celebrated our three-year wedding anniversary. To surprise him, I was going to update our closet. He loves clothes and I thought it would be fun to clear out the closet, have it expanded and then surprise him with this upgrade while he was away on business. While I was cleaning out the closet, I came across a shoebox in the very back with an old flip phone. It still worked. I thought that was odd. I opened it and saw some text messages between him and another person that were borderline flirty. I called the person. A man answered. He said that they were just “friends.” It was an awkward, abrupt conversation. I haven’t brought this up yet to my husband. I don’t think he suspected that I found this phone. I’m not sure what to do. My sister thinks I should confront him. If he’s having an affair with a man … shouldn’t I have a right to know? I’m just sick over the whole thing. We have been together since college and I thought I knew everything about him. This secret life is upsetting on so many levels. Any way to approach this? –SHOEBOX TROUBLE

DEAR SHOEBOX TROUBLE: You can either bury your head in the sand or you can confront him. It’s clear that he isn’t going to admit to anything. Even if they were just flirting or “just friends,” why does he have a secret phone? People live double lives because they are ashamed or afraid to live their truth. If he is working through something, he needs to be honest with you about what is going on. A relationship is a two-way street. Unless he is willing to tell you what he needs and who he is, how can you continue to build and grow as a couple? Share with him what you found and ask him what this is all about. He owes you the truth. Then you can figure out where to go next. But until it is all on the table – and out of the closet – how can you move forward? 

DEAR NATALIE: My wife is bisexual but we are in a monogamous same-sex marriage. I went on a camping trip with my sister recently and I came home early to surprise her. Well, she surprised me. She was in bed with a man. I was shocked. Not just any man, but a long time friend of ours who is also married. Everyone freaked out and he got out of there fast. (I don’t even know if he told his wife but he’s called a few times begging us to keep quiet). My wife just started to cry and apologized to me and begged for forgiveness. I asked her how long this has been going on and she said it’s “not very often and just physical.” I was heartbroken to say the least. We’re in couples therapy now, and I’m trying to move on, but the idea of her with someone else – a man – just keeps creeping into my mind every time we attempt to be intimate. It’s been a few months since the incident and my therapist says that these things take time. But how long do I have to wait until we feel “normal” again? She tip-toes around me; I know she feels guilty. I have no idea how to handle this. Should we separate and see what that means? I love her, but I don’t know how to move forward. – SHE BROKE ME

DEAR SHE BROKE ME: Cheating is cheating. There aren’t loopholes to this. If you agreed that you would be monogamous, it doesn't matter who she cheated on you with. She lied and broke her vows. I’m sure she is remorseful. People make mistakes. But this wasn’t a “one-time” thing. This was a “not very often” affair – which is still an affair. So the question remains: What can you live with? It sounds as though your therapist says you need to give it more time. But what do you want? If you are willing to put in the work for a few more months and see if things get any better, you should just so you can tell yourself that you gave it your best shot. Then again, if the idea of being with her is too upsetting, then maybe a separation is what you really need. Clear your head. See what it feels like to live alone. There is no “right way” to deal with infidelity. If you find that it is just too painful to be with her at this point, then you need to talk to her about that and see what she has to say. You may never be able to get to “normal” again, but can you find a new place together that still works? If not, it isn’t fair to either of you to live in a marriage where you can’t trust her. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé and I got into an argument the other night over travel. He wants to do a “guys’ weekend” in Vegas with a few of his friends in September. I told him that was OK, as I wanted to go away with my best girlfriend to a spa for a weekend in October. He was adamantly against this. He said that “it’s disrespectful for me to travel without him.” I was so confused. I told him how hypocritical that was considering he was planning a trip without me – which is fine – with his friends. He said that it was “different for men.” This is absolute nonsense. We argued about it, but he isn't budging. My girlfriend told me I should just go with her, anyway. However, I don’t want to cause issues in my relationship as we are getting married next year. What do you think I should do to smooth this over? –POSSESSIVE PARTNER

DEAR POSSESSIVE PARTNER: Flip this around. Why are you trying to smooth things over with him? He should be trying to repair this. His misogynistic behavior is what caused the argument. This is a red flag. Possessiveness leads to control. Controlling behaviors can lead to abusive ones. Abuse can take many forms. “Not allowing” you to travel is a form of subjugation. I would take this seriously. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is trying to control how you live? Think long and hard about what you want from a partner. A partner stands beside you. Treats you as their equal because you are their equal. Someone who tries to belittle you and creates a separate set of rules for you is someone who doesn’t respect your personal sense of autonomy. Either work through this so that he understands that he doesn’t get to dictate terms to you, or walk away. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t trust you, respect you or value you. Remember, control is not love. 

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have three small children. Housework is something that we divide, but he expects me to do all of the childcare, even though we both work full-time. Meaning, when I get home from work, I am expected to handle all of the kids, getting them dinner, bathing them, and putting them to bed. He works from home and we have a nanny during the workday so he doesn’t have to deal with them. Then, when I get home, he usually just sits on the couch and watches television after dinner while I do all the work. I wouldn’t mind handling the kids most of the time, but it would be nice if I could just have one evening to myself. Whenever I have brought this up, he tells me that this is how he was raised and that “little kids need their mother more.” While it’s true that I breastfed all of my children, they are seven, four and three now. He needs to be more hands-on. How can I convince him of that? –BURNED OUT MAMA

DEAR BURNED OUT MAMA: I find this all very frustrating when some fathers refer to watching their own kids as “babysitting.” It sets up this dynamic that they aren’t a primary caregiver or an equal partner in raising their children. While many of our patterns are established because of what we experienced growing up from our parents, it is never too late to break generational cycles that perpetuate false and negative gender stereotypes. It’s time for a heart-to-heart. Sharing with him how it makes you feel when he doesn’t participate in family life may be a way towards understanding. If he wants a happy home life, he needs to understand that you are a partner, not an employee. You deserve a night to yourself just like he has enjoyed every night to himself. His archaic views on parenting won’t just harm his marriage in the long run, but they will also harm his children; having them grow up with unrealistic expectations of how home life is structured. If he still doesn’t get it, you may need to start scheduling something twice a week in the evening so that you aren’t available. Maybe a yoga class or a date with a friend? At that point, he may have to figure out how to watch the kids for a few hours, recognizing the work that it takes. Life is a lot more enjoyable when we share the work, as it reduces the burden on everyone – and the resentment, too.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.