DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I just celebrated our three-year wedding anniversary. To surprise him, I was going to update our closet. He loves clothes and I thought it would be fun to clear out the closet, have it expanded and then surprise him with this upgrade while he was away on business. While I was cleaning out the closet, I came across a shoebox in the very back with an old flip phone. It still worked. I thought that was odd. I opened it and saw some text messages between him and another person that were borderline flirty. I called the person. A man answered. He said that they were just “friends.” It was an awkward, abrupt conversation. I haven’t brought this up yet to my husband. I don’t think he suspected that I found this phone. I’m not sure what to do. My sister thinks I should confront him. If he’s having an affair with a man … shouldn’t I have a right to know? I’m just sick over the whole thing. We have been together since college and I thought I knew everything about him. This secret life is upsetting on so many levels. Any way to approach this? –SHOEBOX TROUBLE
DEAR SHOEBOX TROUBLE: You can either bury your head in the sand or you can confront him. It’s clear that he isn’t going to admit to anything. Even if they were just flirting or “just friends,” why does he have a secret phone? People live double lives because they are ashamed or afraid to live their truth. If he is working through something, he needs to be honest with you about what is going on. A relationship is a two-way street. Unless he is willing to tell you what he needs and who he is, how can you continue to build and grow as a couple? Share with him what you found and ask him what this is all about. He owes you the truth. Then you can figure out where to go next. But until it is all on the table – and out of the closet – how can you move forward?
DEAR NATALIE: My wife is bisexual but we are in a monogamous same-sex marriage. I went on a camping trip with my sister recently and I came home early to surprise her. Well, she surprised me. She was in bed with a man. I was shocked. Not just any man, but a long time friend of ours who is also married. Everyone freaked out and he got out of there fast. (I don’t even know if he told his wife but he’s called a few times begging us to keep quiet). My wife just started to cry and apologized to me and begged for forgiveness. I asked her how long this has been going on and she said it’s “not very often and just physical.” I was heartbroken to say the least. We’re in couples therapy now, and I’m trying to move on, but the idea of her with someone else – a man – just keeps creeping into my mind every time we attempt to be intimate. It’s been a few months since the incident and my therapist says that these things take time. But how long do I have to wait until we feel “normal” again? She tip-toes around me; I know she feels guilty. I have no idea how to handle this. Should we separate and see what that means? I love her, but I don’t know how to move forward. – SHE BROKE ME
DEAR SHE BROKE ME: Cheating is cheating. There aren’t loopholes to this. If you agreed that you would be monogamous, it doesn't matter who she cheated on you with. She lied and broke her vows. I’m sure she is remorseful. People make mistakes. But this wasn’t a “one-time” thing. This was a “not very often” affair – which is still an affair. So the question remains: What can you live with? It sounds as though your therapist says you need to give it more time. But what do you want? If you are willing to put in the work for a few more months and see if things get any better, you should just so you can tell yourself that you gave it your best shot. Then again, if the idea of being with her is too upsetting, then maybe a separation is what you really need. Clear your head. See what it feels like to live alone. There is no “right way” to deal with infidelity. If you find that it is just too painful to be with her at this point, then you need to talk to her about that and see what she has to say. You may never be able to get to “normal” again, but can you find a new place together that still works? If not, it isn’t fair to either of you to live in a marriage where you can’t trust her.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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