DEAR NATALIE: After 24 years of marriage, my husband came out to me. I knew something was off in our marriage for a long time, but I never imagined that he was in the closet. I feel incredibly betrayed, heartbroken and saddened by the whole thing. We have a beautiful daughter together, and she just graduated high school. I think he finally realized that since she is grown, he can’t live this lie anymore. There have been a lot of tears shed by all of us over this. My question for you is this: I want to move forward and remain a family. I don’t care that he is gay. He is my best friend and has been for decades. He told me that he wants me to find love, but I don’t want to ever date again. How could I? My brother tells me that I have to let him go. I’m just having a difficult time imagining my life as a single person. We do everything together – except have sex. I just don’t understand why our lives have to be turned upside down. Can’t he just have a fling on the side when he needs to? –NO NEED TO TEAR US APART

DEAR NO NEED TO TEAR US APART: You clearly love this man on a deep level. No one can take away all of the memories or years together. No one can take away the family you have built together. However, it is important to take note of the fact that since he wasn’t able to fully be himself, he needs to explore who he is outside of this marriage. He cannot do that if you are still living under the same roof. While you may not want to ever marry again, keeping you both in this cycle of codependency isn’t healthy for either of you. No one is saying that you can’t still be a family. Many divorced couples still vacation together, enjoy holidays together and experience life together. But, living together may not be something that he wants, and if you try to keep this dynamic alive, it will only breed resentment. Allow him to move forward as a single, gay man. Allow yourself to move forward as a single woman with a whole new adventure in front of her. Maybe it won’t include love. But who knows? Having a blank page to write on can seem incredibly scary – but also exhilarating.  This liberates you both. What do you want to experience at this point in your life? Embrace this new chapter. See how you feel in a year from now. Get a good therapist to help navigate this uncharted territory and allow space to breathe. What you have gone through would be a shock to anyone’s system. Good luck to you both! 

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for six years. Recently, we reconnected and have fallen back in love. You would think the family would be happy about this. We have three grown children and while two of them are being (somewhat) supportive, my youngest daughter is fully and loudly against us reconciling. I had an affair many years ago that unraveled our marriage. I was unhappy and so was my ex. My daughter is convinced that I’m going to break his heart again. While I understand her concern, it has been wonderful reconnecting at this stage of our lives. We are both older and know what we want. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and regret the affair. He and I have put the past behind us and are ready to move on. Why can’t she? –REKINDLED ROMANCE

DEAR REKINDLED ROMANCE: Kids – even grown kids – can be very protective and territorial over their parents. Because your relationship ended in heartbreak, it is no wonder that your daughter has reservations about you getting back together. It may be worth having a family meeting so that everyone can share their concerns and thoughts. Working with a family therapist who does this kind of mediation would be helpful so that you have an impartial third party there to keep the conversation on track. Your daughter may also have some resentment or frustration that she has harbored about this situation through the years. The affair didn’t just impact your marriage – it impacted all of your children, too. Acknowledge her feelings. Validate them. She has every right to be nervous about this reconciliation and may not want to get her hopes up. Allow her the space to process this in her own time, and in the meantime, set up a chance for everyone to come together to talk about what happened. I know it may be awkward, but clearing the air with your family may help in the healing process and allow everyone the chance to move forward in the spirit of togetherness.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

DEAR NATALIE: My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship for most of my life. She was very abusive towards me and once I became an adult, I cut her out of my life. My dad contacted me a few nights ago – he and I still talk regularly and he is still married to my mother – and she is dying. He told me she has a very “aggressive cancer in her lungs” and the doctors aren’t giving her much time. He pleaded with me to “make things right” and that she is “very sad about our relationship.” I am not sad about it. I was assaulted regularly by this woman as a child, both physically and emotionally. I have no interest in her sob story. My husband said that I am being “cold” and worries I will regret not hearing from her one last time. I can’t stomach the thought of being in the same room with her. Why can’t everyone see that it is too painful for me to try and make amends? She had plenty of years to make it right. She never did. Why should I give her a chance now? –NO LOVE LOST

DEAR NO LOVE LOST: You have no obligation to “make things right.” You are the child. She is the adult. If she really wants to make amends, she can write a letter to you, acknowledging the pain she caused you and ask for your forgiveness. I am sorry to hear that she is dying, but if she hadn’t been – would she be trying to make amends? She has had many opportunities to pick up the phone and talk to you. You owe her nothing. I don’t subscribe to the idea that you must forgive someone who has harmed you. If it helps your healing process, then do it. But it is very clear from your letter that you have no interest in reconnecting with her. In fact, it sounds as though reconnecting with her may do you more harm than good. You are allowed to cut her out of your life and not look back. Don’t let anyone guilt you into speaking to her if you don’t want to. She created this dynamic. She can deal with the consequences. 

DEAR NATALIE: My son is six-years-old and loves to play dress up. He likes to wear my heels around the house and wear his sister’s dresses and tutus. Around the house, we don’t restrict his creativity. My husband and I don’t see any harm in this. But lately he’s been wanting to wear very flamboyant dresses outside of the house. We don’t allow this as we are worried that other kids will bully him. When we refuse to let him dress the way he wants to, he becomes unmanageable, throws tantrums and seems very depressed. We just don’t want him to be the target at school or in his play groups. Our friends are split on this. Some think we should let him do whatever he wants and others understand our concerns. I also don’t want to appear bigoted. I really just worry about his safety. Any thoughts on how to handle him? –TU TU MUCH

DEAR TU TU MUCH: I understand your concerns around your child being bullied but having the support of his parents and family is so important to the development of his self esteem and worth as he discovers who he is. We project so much of our own fears and insecurities onto our children. Imagine what would happen if parents encouraged the free expression of their children. What could that world look like? How would that change the way we view ourselves and each other? If he wants to play, let him play. If children are cruel to him, you may have to sit down with him and talk to him about it in a way he can understand. If you need support in how to do this, consult with a therapist who focuses on children and adolescents to gather more tools in your toolbox. Having the support of a loving family can make all the difference to a child. As parents, it can be a challenge to remember that our children aren’t supposed to be “mini” versions of us. They are their own people walking their own path. The best thing you can do is provide support, love and stability so that he can stand tall as he walks (or dances!) down the road of life.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

DEAR NATALIE: At the beginning of our relationship, my partner shared with me that he has a terminal disease with very little time left. I love him and decided to enter into a relationship with him. (We had been in a relationship a long time ago but had lost touch). We have many problems because of his diagnosis in addition to his mental health issues, for which he is medicated. My question is this: Do I put up with his behavior because of his emotional and physical issues, or do I treat him as I would without these problems? I feel he weaponizes his ongoing problems, using them as an excuse for bad behavior, i. e. publicly embarrassing me, PDA, being selfish, raising his voice at me, etc.I just don't know how to handle these issues without him pointing out that he's dying! Help! – SEEKING SANITY

DEAR SEEKING SANITY: I am so sorry that you and your partner are going through such uncertain and tumultuous times together. Any illness takes a toll on an otherwise solid relationship – but throwing in mental health issues and a terminal diagnosis – it would make any relationship challenging. You need to seek therapy. Preferably both for yourself and for you and your partner together. It is OK to feel frustrated, guilty, angry with the situation, scared and overwhelmed. It is not OK for him to take his fears and frustrations out on you. Talk to him openly and honestly about where you are. Let him know that you love and care for him and that you would like to see a therapist together and individually to help navigate this uncharted territory. Regardless of whether he is willing to work on himself and your relationship, you should seek counseling on your own. There is so much to process here, and having more tools in your toolbox will only help strengthen your relationship, as well as your own mental health. I wish you luck and love. 

DEAR NATALIE: My close friend and I recently had a terrible falling out after 30-plus years of friendship. I have realized over the years that unless it is about her, she doesn’t seem to care. She doesn’t ask me about things going on in my life and doesn’t seem to know much. However, when she has an issue or needs support, she expects you at any moment to pick up the phone and be there for her. We got into a terrible argument on the phone, with me calling out her bad habits and her calling me “toxic” among other things. I hung up on her. A few days later, she sent me this vicious text message. I didn’t respond. And now she has sent me an apology text. More like a book. I haven’t responded. After how she treated me, I don’t feel like there’s anything to say. My sister says I should hear her out after such a long time as friends. But what friend screams at their friend on the phone and writes them such horrible things? I don’t know if I want to move forward with this friendship. What do you think? – FRIENDSHIP DOWN THE DRAIN

DEAR FRIENDSHIP DOWN THE DRAIN: The demise of a long term friendship can be difficult to mourn because you aren’t just mourning the relationship but how that relationship defined a portion of your life. When you reflect back, the specific time frame can create a sense of nostalgia and wistfulness which are hard to let go of. But the reality is – in the here and now – would you be friends with this person? Put your history aside. Would you be friends with someone who can’t look outside of themselves, who is careless with your friendship, who refuses to look at things from a different perspective? Would you be friends with someone who resorts to name calling when they are held accountable for their behavior? If the answer is, “NO,” then you may want to sit with that for a while. While I believe in second chances, it sounds as though there isn’t much to hold onto. Leave it be for now. If she circles back in a month or a few months from now truly remorseful, then consider having a conversation. But if over those months you realize your life is fine without her, the question remains: Why invite the negativity back in? You can wish her well – and from a distance. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.