DEAR NATALIE: My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship for most of my life. She was very abusive towards me and once I became an adult, I cut her out of my life. My dad contacted me a few nights ago – he and I still talk regularly and he is still married to my mother – and she is dying. He told me she has a very “aggressive cancer in her lungs” and the doctors aren’t giving her much time. He pleaded with me to “make things right” and that she is “very sad about our relationship.” I am not sad about it. I was assaulted regularly by this woman as a child, both physically and emotionally. I have no interest in her sob story. My husband said that I am being “cold” and worries I will regret not hearing from her one last time. I can’t stomach the thought of being in the same room with her. Why can’t everyone see that it is too painful for me to try and make amends? She had plenty of years to make it right. She never did. Why should I give her a chance now? –NO LOVE LOST
DEAR NO LOVE LOST: You have no obligation to “make things right.” You are the child. She is the adult. If she really wants to make amends, she can write a letter to you, acknowledging the pain she caused you and ask for your forgiveness. I am sorry to hear that she is dying, but if she hadn’t been – would she be trying to make amends? She has had many opportunities to pick up the phone and talk to you. You owe her nothing. I don’t subscribe to the idea that you must forgive someone who has harmed you. If it helps your healing process, then do it. But it is very clear from your letter that you have no interest in reconnecting with her. In fact, it sounds as though reconnecting with her may do you more harm than good. You are allowed to cut her out of your life and not look back. Don’t let anyone guilt you into speaking to her if you don’t want to. She created this dynamic. She can deal with the consequences.
DEAR NATALIE: My son is six-years-old and loves to play dress up. He likes to wear my heels around the house and wear his sister’s dresses and tutus. Around the house, we don’t restrict his creativity. My husband and I don’t see any harm in this. But lately he’s been wanting to wear very flamboyant dresses outside of the house. We don’t allow this as we are worried that other kids will bully him. When we refuse to let him dress the way he wants to, he becomes unmanageable, throws tantrums and seems very depressed. We just don’t want him to be the target at school or in his play groups. Our friends are split on this. Some think we should let him do whatever he wants and others understand our concerns. I also don’t want to appear bigoted. I really just worry about his safety. Any thoughts on how to handle him? –TU TU MUCH
DEAR TU TU MUCH: I understand your concerns around your child being bullied but having the support of his parents and family is so important to the development of his self esteem and worth as he discovers who he is. We project so much of our own fears and insecurities onto our children. Imagine what would happen if parents encouraged the free expression of their children. What could that world look like? How would that change the way we view ourselves and each other? If he wants to play, let him play. If children are cruel to him, you may have to sit down with him and talk to him about it in a way he can understand. If you need support in how to do this, consult with a therapist who focuses on children and adolescents to gather more tools in your toolbox. Having the support of a loving family can make all the difference to a child. As parents, it can be a challenge to remember that our children aren’t supposed to be “mini” versions of us. They are their own people walking their own path. The best thing you can do is provide support, love and stability so that he can stand tall as he walks (or dances!) down the road of life.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.