DEAR NATALIE: My wife developed a bit of a drinking problem during Covid. She was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Both of her parents contracted the disease early on and her father died from it. She is an only child so the burden has been on her to take care of her mother. We also have two small kids, ages 5 and 8, which adds a whole other dimension of stress. I’m worried about her because I’ve noticed her withdrawing more and drinking at least one bottle of wine every night while we watch television before bed. Whenever I have confronted her, she becomes so angry with me. She tells me to “stop policing her” and “recognize that I need to help her more.” But I don’t know what else I can do to help? We both work full-time. I watch our kids as much as possible, deal with all the chores around the house and run errands for her mother. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice? –SCARED WIFE
DEAR SCARED WIFE: You may need to look for some support on your own in order to deal with what you are going through. She may be self-medicating because she hasn’t had a chance to properly grieve all that has been lost during the pandemic. It isn’t fair to you to have to shoulder this immense burden. I recommend you seek support through a therapist who works with families dealing with addiction. You could also try Al-Anon. This is a support system for people who are worried about others in their lives who have experiencing issues with substance abuse. They may be able to provide in-roads to help you navigate these murky waters. The reason I am suggesting formal support systems is because while you may think you are “helping” your wife, you could be enabling this issue. Do what you can to support yourself. Listen and utilize the tools they provide you so that you can work with your family to find a way forward that is healthy and constructive. Good luck to you.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband has never been very affectionate. I knew that when I signed up to marry him. But lately, I feel as though he has pushed me away completely. When he’s done after work, we don’t talk. He just sits in his office “playing video games” only to emerge to eat dinner. He just turns right around and goes back to his office. I’ve asked him if I could play with him – trying to engage him to hangout with me – but he locks the door. Do you think that something else is going on? My friends are wondering if he is addicted to something other than video games. Could he be having an affair? I’ve never confronted him about it because he has a pretty bad temper. But I feel as though we are drifting apart and I’m not sure what to do about it. Any ideas on how to navigate this? –ALONE AND MARRIED
DEAR ALONE AND MARRIED: I would be concerned, as well, if my partner was locking themselves in a room for hours at a time and I wasn’t allowed in. The not-knowing is what would bother me. It could be a lot of things. It could be video games. It could be internet porn. It could be an affair. It could be nothing. Whatever is going on, it isn’t fair or healthy for you to be in this relationship alone. It also can’t be fun for him to be in this dynamic, either. Since confronting him could trigger his temper and put you in harm’s way, you may have to ask yourself this question: Is this marriage worth saving? If he has locked you out – literally and emotionally – what are you doing? This may be a time to consult with an attorney and see what your options are. While you’re at it, reach out to a therapist who is well-versed in abusive relationships. There are ways to extract yourself from this situation if you choose to leave. But regardless of that, you deserve to be safe in your home with someone who cares about you.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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