life

Ask Natalie: Boyfriend and you at odds over abortion rights?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 18th, 2022

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I got into an explosive fight the other night over what is happening with Roe V. Wade. I had never asked – or thought to ask him – his thoughts on abortion. We’ve been together almost a year and we don’t talk politics much. But, the other night I was expressing how scared I am at the thought of it being overturned. He went on this long rant about women and abortion and being “pro-life.” It was actually hard to listen to him discuss how I basically don’t have the right over my own body. I flipped out and left the room. He’s been texting me all week, but I am having a hard time getting that conversation out of my head. He has apologized, but how can I be with someone who thinks so little of me? My sister told me I should just forgive him and move forward, but how can I? This feels like a big hurdle to me. Any advice? –HARD TO UNDERSTAND 

DEAR HARD TO UNDERSTAND: My cousin, who is a psychologist, once gave me a great piece of relationship advice. I will share it with you: “It isn’t enough to love each other to make it last. You need to have the same vision of the future.” In this case, the very future is at stake. If you don’t agree over something as fundamental as bodily autonomy, I fear this issue may continue to pop up as the relationship progresses. Where does he stand on other issues related to human rights and how does this play into how he treats others as he moves in the world? No, we don’t need to agree on everything or look at everything from the same lens. But, the right to govern your own body and create your own destiny is a fundamental part of your existence as a human being. It’s hard to have a partnership when you aren’t viewed as an equal. Unless he’s willing to understand and respect your bodily autonomy, I don’t see how this relationship will be beneficial or healthy for either of you. 

DEAR NATALIE: My friend came to a bridal shower at my house recently for our mutual friend. She said she hadn’t been “feeling well” all day. I asked her politely to put on a mask. She refused. She argued that since most of the event was outdoors, a mask wouldn’t make a difference. I asked again. She refused. I then asked her to leave. I had elderly people at the event as well as my pregnant cousin. She left, extremely angry with me. I haven’t spoken to her in a week, but I found out through our mutual friend that she tested positive for Covid-19. I tested myself to be sure that she didn’t give it to me, but I am (thankfully!) negative. Should I reach out and extend an olive branch and well wishes? I know I made the right call – especially hearing that she was sick – but I also feel angry at her for putting us all in that position. Any thoughts on how to smooth things over? –SICK OF IT ALL 

DEAR SICK OF IT ALL: Call her. Let her know that you found out that she was sick and that you wanted to check in on her. She may be taken aback by that, which will make her less defensive. See what she says. She may feel embarrassed about how she reacted at your party. The reality is that we are expected to individually pull ourselves out of this collective public health crisis – and it doesn’t work that way. I feel for her, but you did the right thing by asking her to mask up. The fact that she wouldn’t is puzzling to me. People are kidding themselves if they think this is over. We have now normalized so much suffering and grief, it is sometimes hard to find empathy. Try anyway. Lead with love and not with “I told you so.” She may feel differently the next time someone asks her to put on a mask.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

life

Ask Natalie: Does your mother-in-law-to-be have the right to plan a wedding brunch without your permission?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 11th, 2022

DEAR NATALIE: My mother-in-law-to-be is determined for me to have a big, lavish wedding. I do not want this kind of a wedding. She called me yesterday to ask me what I wanted for the Sunday brunch/day after celebration. I told her I don’t want brunch. I don’t need a morning-after-the-wedding event. We got into it on the phone and she hung up on me. Hours later, I got a call from my fiancé asking me what I wanted at the brunch. I was dumbfounded. I explained I didn’t want this component, that it was too much. He said, “Mom just wants to do this, let her do it.” Why? Why should I let her encroach on my day? I feel like this sets a bad precedent where she feels as though she can just go over my head and do what she wants. My fiancé is wrapped around her finger as it is. Is there any way to get out of this? -NO BRUNCH FOR ME

DEAR NO BRUNCH FOR ME: It is amazing to me how a wedding can quickly turn into a circus. Clearly your mother-in-law is overstepping. Is she paying for the brunch? Is she paying for the wedding? Sometimes, when the parents are paying for the wedding festivities, it becomes more about what they want and less about what the bride and groom want. If she isn’t paying for anything, then her opinion on the matter shouldn’t be the law of the land. Sit down with your fiancé and get on the same page. Perhaps he wants a brunch and doesn’t know how to share that with you – or maybe he is just trying to keep the peace. Whatever his reasoning, communicate your frustration to him first. Then, the two of you need to go to her as a united front and explain that while you appreciate her input, that your vision for the big day differs. She needs to accept that. If she can’t? You may have to box her out from any more involvement and risk her getting upset. It’s your wedding, your day and she needs to respect it.  

DEAR NATALIE: My older brother is on his third marriage and he is acting like quite the groomzilla. He wants to have a bachelor party, but my younger brother thinks this is ridiculous. “He’s twice-divorced. He’s not a bachelor,” he told me on the phone the other night. I don’t even care about any of this. My older brother’s fiancée sent out a text to the family saying that we need to organize a bachelor party event for him. I felt as though she was stepping over some lines. On top of it, our mother has been inviting people from out of town to the wedding without telling our brother … which could mess up the catering. He is upset about this, too. Should I get involved and try to be of support or just stay out of it?  

—ONLY A GUEST 

DEAR ONLY A GUEST: Your mother definitely should not be inviting people who were not on your brother’s guest list and who did not receive a formal invitation from the couple. It is wild to think that she would do this and expect that to go over well. He needs to be the one to talk to her about this, however. This isn’t your fight. Unless your brother directly asks you for help, I would stay out of it. Now the bachelor party is a little different. What if instead of a “party” you just do a dinner out with his closest friends and your brothers? Keep it small. I understand your younger brother’s perspective on this, but I also understand your brother wanting to celebrate this moment in time. Since his fiancée was pushing everyone via text, this may be something that means a lot to him. If you keep it small, perhaps that could be a compromise? Think about it. Some battles are worth fighting, and sometimes it’s just easier to give in and give someone what they want. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

life

Ask Natalie: Step-son wants to be vaccinated but his mom is anti-vax? Should you take him, anyway?� DEAR NATALIE: My stepson came to me the other day and asked me to take him to get the Covid-19 vaccine. He lives primarily with his mother, who is anti-vax

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 4th, 2022

DEAR NATALIE:  I recently left my husband of 12 years. We were very affluent because of his work. I am finding it hard to readjust to a different lifestyle. We have a small daughter and share custody. I left him because he has cheated on me repeatedly. He told me that since I have left, he is heartbroken and reassessing his life. He wants me back and promises that he won’t cheat on me again. I want to believe him. I miss him, I miss my home, my old life … all of it. I am not sure what to do. I have been going to therapy and my therapist told me it is a bad idea to return to him. He doesn’t think he has changed and just will continue old patterns of behavior. What do you think? Can an old dog learn new tricks? — MISSING MY LIFE� DEAR MISSING MY LIFE: Talk is cheap. I don’t know what he has done besides say words that would lead you to believe that he has changed. Is he going to therapy? Has he offered to do things for you or the family that he hasn’t in the past? Is he an open book? What is different? While you may miss the lifestyle, do you honestly miss him? Do you miss feeling suspicious and unsure of where you stand? How is he making amends? He didn’t just hurt you, he blew up his family, too. Your daughter has to live with this, as well, and if you keep boomeranging back to a man that hurt and mistreated you, what example does that set for her? I won’t tell you what to do, but I will tell you to think long and hard about this. Money is nice, but having a sense of self can’t be bought.

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