DEAR NATALIE: My mother-in-law-to-be is determined for me to have a big, lavish wedding. I do not want this kind of a wedding. She called me yesterday to ask me what I wanted for the Sunday brunch/day after celebration. I told her I don’t want brunch. I don’t need a morning-after-the-wedding event. We got into it on the phone and she hung up on me. Hours later, I got a call from my fiancé asking me what I wanted at the brunch. I was dumbfounded. I explained I didn’t want this component, that it was too much. He said, “Mom just wants to do this, let her do it.” Why? Why should I let her encroach on my day? I feel like this sets a bad precedent where she feels as though she can just go over my head and do what she wants. My fiancé is wrapped around her finger as it is. Is there any way to get out of this? -NO BRUNCH FOR ME
DEAR NO BRUNCH FOR ME: It is amazing to me how a wedding can quickly turn into a circus. Clearly your mother-in-law is overstepping. Is she paying for the brunch? Is she paying for the wedding? Sometimes, when the parents are paying for the wedding festivities, it becomes more about what they want and less about what the bride and groom want. If she isn’t paying for anything, then her opinion on the matter shouldn’t be the law of the land. Sit down with your fiancé and get on the same page. Perhaps he wants a brunch and doesn’t know how to share that with you – or maybe he is just trying to keep the peace. Whatever his reasoning, communicate your frustration to him first. Then, the two of you need to go to her as a united front and explain that while you appreciate her input, that your vision for the big day differs. She needs to accept that. If she can’t? You may have to box her out from any more involvement and risk her getting upset. It’s your wedding, your day and she needs to respect it.
DEAR NATALIE: My older brother is on his third marriage and he is acting like quite the groomzilla. He wants to have a bachelor party, but my younger brother thinks this is ridiculous. “He’s twice-divorced. He’s not a bachelor,” he told me on the phone the other night. I don’t even care about any of this. My older brother’s fiancée sent out a text to the family saying that we need to organize a bachelor party event for him. I felt as though she was stepping over some lines. On top of it, our mother has been inviting people from out of town to the wedding without telling our brother … which could mess up the catering. He is upset about this, too. Should I get involved and try to be of support or just stay out of it?
—ONLY A GUEST
DEAR ONLY A GUEST: Your mother definitely should not be inviting people who were not on your brother’s guest list and who did not receive a formal invitation from the couple. It is wild to think that she would do this and expect that to go over well. He needs to be the one to talk to her about this, however. This isn’t your fight. Unless your brother directly asks you for help, I would stay out of it. Now the bachelor party is a little different. What if instead of a “party” you just do a dinner out with his closest friends and your brothers? Keep it small. I understand your younger brother’s perspective on this, but I also understand your brother wanting to celebrate this moment in time. Since his fiancée was pushing everyone via text, this may be something that means a lot to him. If you keep it small, perhaps that could be a compromise? Think about it. Some battles are worth fighting, and sometimes it’s just easier to give in and give someone what they want.
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