DEAR NATALIE: My wife had an affair a year ago and it has been very difficult to move beyond. I could deal with the physical infidelity, but it’s all the lies that I can’t seem to get over. She went to elaborate lengths to hide the affair. When they were discovered – in our bed – she became completely remorseful and claimed to have ended it that day. We have since bought a new bed. But lately, it has been very challenging for me to be intimate with her. We have gone to counseling and have been working on our issues. I find myself going through the motions for the sake of our kids. I don’t know if I even love her after what she did. I’m not sure how to discuss this with her. She seems to think that we have “fixed” everything, but our communication issues still remain. I don’t feel as though she is as transparent with me as she should be. I don’t even know if she really cut off the affair or if they still communicate. I just have no idea what to do at this point, but I am very unhappy. Any advice? If I can avoid divorce, that would be ideal, but I don’t know if that is possible any longer. - DEPRESSED DAD
DEAR DEPRESSED DAD: You mentioned that you have gone to therapy as a couple, but have you gone to individual therapy? You may benefit from this because infidelity can leave a deep scar that takes time to heal. Many marriages do not survive beyond that first year after the affair. The fact that it has been a year and you are feeling all of these emotions bubble up to the surface is not surprising. Grief is not linear, but a process. Anniversaries of difficult times can bring us right back to them as if they just occurred. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest with yourself. If you feel that – outside of the children – there are reasons to stay, then go to counseling on your own and work through your feelings. Catching your wife in your own bed with someone else would be devastating for most people. There is no time limit on how long you are supposed to grieve or heal from this. But before you make any final decisions on whether or not to stay married, take a few sessions to talk it through with a therapist. You are under no obligation to stay in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage. Your kids will do better in the long run with two happy parents instead of witnessing an unhappy home day in and day out. I can’t tell you what to do, but I want you to know that you deserve to heal. You deserve to be in a loving and respectful marriage with honesty at its foundation. Yes, it is possible to build back from this if both people want it. The question is: Has too much damage been done?
DEAR NATALIE: My father has recently remarried a younger woman and everyone likes her well enough. Recently, he asked me if I would be OK with him including her in his will. He has a substantial estate and I told him that is his decision. My brother, however, is very against the idea. He has always been more suspicious of her motives than the rest of us. (There are four siblings). My mother died nearly 20 years ago and I was happy to see my father find love again. She seems to treat him well and make him laugh. What more could I ask for at this stage in the game for him? In any case, my brother confronted our “step-mother” the other day during a family outing and it became heated. Well, my brother became heated after a few cocktails. She sat there quietly while he called her a gold digger – among other names. I was mortified. Since the incident, my father and brother aren’t speaking. I think my brother owes them both an apology, but he claims that he is just being protective. What do you think I should do to smooth things over? I love my brother and my father and just want to see this work itself out. Any advice? -STRAINED FAMILY
DEAR STRAINED FAMILY: You should call your brother and talk to him about what is at the heart of this. It sounds as though he is still grieving for your mother and maybe he hasn’t acknowledged that – not even to himself. Lashing out at your stepmother because your father wants to include her in the will is juvenile and cruel. At the end of the day, this is your father’s money and choice to make. Your brother is only driving a wedge between himself and his only living parent by behaving this way. If you can talk to him honestly and from a place of love, he may be willing to listen. He needs to call your father. Your brother needs to understand that he upset not just his stepmother, but his father, as well. After they speak, he then needs to apologize to her. If he can’t do those things, there isn’t much you can do other than to let her know that the sentiment is certainly not shared by the rest of the family and that you are glad that she is with your dad. This isn’t your fight. At the end of the day, this is your brother’s mess and he needs to clean it up.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter
@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci
Check out her web series:
“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.