DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have bought a second home. This was a dream of ours for many, many years. Now that our kids have grown, we decided to split our time between our home base up north and our cute little getaway in Florida. My brother and his wife have been asking to visit when we are in Florida. Last month, we all spent a long weekend together. It was going great until my sister-in-law remarked that they should be able to come and use this house whenever they want because “their kids are still small” and they need a place to getaway with them. We offered to share the house with them when we are down there, but I found it odd that they expected us to just “give” them the house whenever they felt like it. I wasn’t sure how to respond, and now they are both texting me and my husband wanting to know when they could have a set of keys. Is this crossing a line or am I just being selfish in wanting this place to ourselves for a while? - NEW HOUSE, NEW PROBLEMS
DEAR NEW HOUSE, NEW PROBLEMS: No you are not being selfish. They have no right to expect you to just give them the house whenever they want. It is one thing to come down when you are there. It’s a whole other thing to just expect the house to be available to them. You worked hard over the years to make this dream a reality. You most definitely have every reason to want to enjoy it on your own terms. I am appalled that they are even asking for a set of keys. It is inappropriate, rude and oversteps boundaries. If they continue to bother you about it, I would just state the following: “I appreciate you wanting to spend time at our vacation home. Of course we would love to host you and the kids and look forward to doing so. But we don’t feel that it is necessary for you to have a set of keys right now. If you want to use the home, let’s talk about when we can all travel down together as a family.” If they still act entitled, I would ignore their requests and vacation there on your own for a while. Hopefully, they will get the hint.
DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and her husband got into a huge fight at my house the other night. He doesn’t feel as though she is around enough since she was promoted at work. She says that he doesn’t respect her. They have two teenagers who were also at our house hanging out with our kids. It was mortifying for all of them to witness this screaming match. I pulled her aside after and told her it wasn’t appropriate to yell like that in front of our kids, and then she turned on me. Now she won’t speak to me and has called me a “judgmental b—.” I am so floored by her behavior and don’t understand why she is attacking me when her husband was the one treating her poorly at our home. I love them both, but clearly they need to work on some things. Was it so wrong to tell her not to speak that way in front of my children? -BIG MOUTH IN TROUBLE
DEAR BIG MOUTH IN TROUBLE: Sometimes it isn’t what you say – it’s when you say it. In this case, it may have been more constructive to have ushered the kids somewhere else away from the argument and then discussed it with her at another time. Clearly, she was heated at that moment and your comment did nothing but throw more gasoline on the fire. You are valid in how you felt, but she wasn’t in a position to hear you. I would call her and apologize for your ill-timed comment. Let her know that you love her and that you are there for her. I hope she also apologizes for calling you such a disrespectful name. Speak to your kids and ask them if they have any questions or want to talk about what they witnessed. Hopefully, she and her husband can work through it, as all marriages have their ups and downs. At the end of the day, just stay out of it as best you can.
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