DEAR NATALIE: My husband of 15 years has always been a “little” controlling. I have accepted it as a part of who he is. But, now that our kids have moved out of the house, I have decided to go back to work. I used to be in the hotel/hospitality industry world when we met, but I gave up my job to be a mother full-time. My husband makes a very stable income, so having me home with our two sons was the right choice for our family at the time. Now that they are grown, I want to get back into work. My husband told me yesterday that I am “too old” (I’m 45) and that I should “focus on his needs” now that the boys are out of the house. We got into an explosive fight and now he is walking around our house, pouting. He is acting like the victim, saying that “I don’t pay enough attention to him.” Meanwhile, it’s been all about him and the boys for almost twenty years. Do you have any idea as to how I should approach him? I’ve already been looking at jobs and have two interviews lined up for next week. I love him, but I can’t stand his attitude towards me. What should I do? –REBOOT MY MARRIAGE
DEAR REBOOT MY MARRIAGE: It is silly to think that the person you were twenty years ago would be the same person you are today. Your husband needs to respect where you are at this moment. I remember reading this saying a long time ago that said: ‘Marriage has phases, and you must mourn each phase and celebrate the next one together.’ He hasn’t mourned the past iteration of your relationship because he won’t let go. I would first express to him how much it hurts you when he diminishes you and your dreams. Remind him that you have always supported the family and now you are looking for that reciprocation. This may be a good time to try couples therapy to reassess what you both want from the future and from your marriage. If he wants you to “focus on his needs,” then who is focusing on yours? Take the job opportunity. Gain some independence. Build new skills and new friendships. See what is out there. If he wants to work on the marriage, he has to meet you halfway and commit to nurturing this next phase of life together. Otherwise, what are you holding on to?
DEAR NATALIE: My mother and I have a very complex relationship. She has always been very critical of my weight, even when I was a little kid. I was always chubby. She would tell me that I would always “stay fat” if I kept eating cookies before bed. So naturally, I would hide cookies and other sweets in my room and eat alone at night. I grew into a teenager with an eating disorder and have just been focusing on my recovery over the past few years. I’m 33 and feel physically healthy overall, but I find myself most triggered when I am around her. She is thin and beautiful, and while I have found a “good” place for myself, I do not and will never look like her. It can be really hard for me to be around her, and I don’t want it to be like this. I love her and realize she was just trying to take care of me the best way she knew how, but she has no idea how much psychological damage she did to me. Constant comments about my weight growing up really tortured me and I ended up dating a lot of terrible men, looking for validation. I am currently going through a divorce and she recently said to me, “Maybe if you were thinner he would’ve stayed with you.” How do I get her to understand that her words hurt me? I want a relationship with my mother. But I can’t have one like this. Any suggestions? -THE FAT KID
DEAR THE FAT KID: I have said this a few times to different readers who shared what was on their heart: Sometimes, you have to love someone from a distance…and that’s OK. In this case, for your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, you may need to give yourself some space and time away from your mother. Because you are also going through a divorce – which can be challenging and traumatic on its own – compounding that with hurtful comments from someone who should be loving and supporting you could cause you to spiral. Instead, I would take a step back. Write her a letter. Share with her what you just shared with me. Let her know that you love her, but that you can’t engage in a toxic cycle with her. If she can’t learn to love you for who you are – at any size – then having a healthy, close relationship will be unattainable. She may not realize how deep her words cut. If she apologizes and works to make amends, welcome it. But if she deflects and becomes defensive, keep space between you for your protection. You have to put your mental health first.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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