DEAR NATALIE: A few years ago my mother got a new boyfriend. She had been single for a long time before him, but after a year of an on-and-off-again relationship, they moved in together. My mother fell head over heels in love with her new boyfriend and in the beginning, he was a good fit for our family. He helped me with math and had been very patient. Sadly, this “perfect father” behavior quickly changed. A few weeks after moving in, he made comments about my appearance, how great I behave and how attractive I was. The comments started when the first relationship problems between him and my mother appeared. The first red flags were rising, but I stayed silent. My mother’s boyfriend openly and honestly, without fear about the consequences, told me in a sober state that my mother is no longer the woman he loves, that she is grumpy and worries all the time about money. He told me he would like to start a relationship with me, leave my mother behind and kick her out of the house together with my brother. At this time – I was not yet of age – and he was in his early 40s. I know I am an idiot for not telling my mom this that very day, but I didn’t have the courage. I left him in peace, demanded nothing of him, and yet to this day he interferes in my life constantly even though I’m now 25-years-old. I don’t seek my mother's attention. It is her life and her decisions. Now they want to get married. The comments toward me have ended, but now my mother pushes me to see him fully as my father, to hug him, to kiss him and to be close to him, even though I told her I was uncomfortable during these situations. Recently, he and I got into an argument. He insulted me in a way I have never experienced and said he wanted to physically punish me. I told my mother about the incident. After she had a brief talk with him, I was the bad person in the room who dramatized everything to pull the two of them apart. I now know she wouldn’t believe me if I told her what he did and still does to me. He walks in on me when I’m in the bathroom, he enters my bedroom without permission and does other things which a father should never do. I want to move out, but my brother – who also doesn’t like him – wants me to stay. I really don’t have the money to move out, rent is high and my income is minimal. I do love her, but she makes it very difficult to have a relationship with her. Any advice on how to move forward? –TRAPPED
DEAR TRAPPED: You do not deserve to be treated or talked to this way. You did nothing to warrant this disgusting behavior from him or her. You have every reason and right to want to leave, but I also understand why you haven’t. You are not an idiot. You have experienced trauma. You are not at fault or to blame. I would do two things to start: 1. Begin a secret emergency fund. If you can stash money in a private checking account or put cash somewhere safe – like in a safety deposit box at a bank or with a trusted friend or family member – you need to start planning to leave this house. It is toxic, it is not safe, and you won’t be able to grow or flourish when you are surrounded by abusive people. I don’t know how much your brother knows, or how old he is, but is there a way that the two of you could move out and move into a place together and both contribute towards rent? Do you have a friend or a family member you can live with? Start to write down everyone’s names that you can think of so that when and if you are ready to leave, you have somewhere to land. I don’t know your work situation, but if you are able to work, can you pick up more shifts wherever you are to make more money in the short term so that you can leave? How involved is your mother in your finances? Will she be suspicious of you taking on more hours? Is there a friend’s home that you can stay at one or two nights a week to give yourself a break from this situation? I am asking a lot of questions because I want you to get your wheels turning about how you can be proactive in this moment and create a path forward for yourself. Your mother may not be able to protect you because she cannot protect herself. I know you love her, but you may need to love her from a distance for a while. The relationships we have with our parents can be very complicated. You cannot help her or your brother if you are stuck, too. Can you buy a lock for your bedroom door so that your mom’s boyfriend can’t come in when you are in your room? Is there a lock on the bathroom door? Is there a way to barricade either door when you are in the rooms so that he can’t enter? I don’t know what your healthcare situation is, either, but if you are able to find a therapist who can help you, connect with one. Reach out to your PCP (if you have one). If you don’t, ask friends if they know of someone you can talk to. You need to focus on yourself at this moment. It is not selfish, it is self preservation. The sooner you can extract yourself from this place, the better off you will be. If your mother becomes angry with you leaving, give your relationship space. I want you to focus on loving yourself. You deserve to be free from abuse. You deserve to live a life on your own terms. I hope you can find a way forward that brings you peace.
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