DEAR NATALIE: I find myself attracted to this new colleague at my office. They are funny, smart and charismatic. Everyone seems to gravitate towards them. I think they like me, too. The problem is that I am happily married. I’ve been married for more than a decade to a wonderful person. We have two beautiful kids and have a great life together. But when I’m with my partner, I’ve been fantasizing about this other person at work. I don’t know what to do. If I act on my feelings, I am afraid I will blow up my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am feeling so much anxiety that I can't concentrate at home or at work. It’s absurd to have a crush at my age, but here we are. Any thoughts? –A CRUSHING CRUSH
DEAR A CRUSHING CRUSH: You know what’s fun about a crush? It isn’t real. It’s a romanticized image of someone in our mind’s eye that puts a spring in our step. I can’t help but think of the saying, “Love may be blind, but marriage restores its sight.” While we may have this idealized form of someone, getting to know them in a real, concrete way can help to ground our emotions surrounding them. It is OK to have a crush. Crushes remind us of our youth, of young love, of a hopeful and ideal world. Those euphoric feelings make us feel good, they make us feel human. But, we don’t have to act on our emotions. The fact that you feel guilty for even thinking about another person this way shows me how much love you have for your partner and relationship. Tap into that and redirect it. Take your partner out on a date. Spend some alone time together. Do something that you both enjoy or that you know they love. Surprise them with a romantic gesture. Rekindling that magic with the one you already love can be a constructive way to funnel this energy so that you remember why you fell in love in the first place. If your crush doesn't know you are already married, now would be a good time to make that clear. Keep your distance until things can cool down, and try and add some heat at home, instead.
DEAR NATALIE: I went through a terrible divorce after being married to my (now) ex-husband for almost thirty years. We have two grown daughters and one son in college. While our kids understand our reasons for separating, my husband just won’t let go. To make matters more complicated, I have found myself falling in love with a woman at my church. I have never had interest in women until this point, but she is truly amazing. My ex has been trying to win me back – and it’s a small town. Everyone knows we are divorced and it can be very awkward when we are both at the church together. No one knows about how I feel about this woman, not even her. I’m too scared to do anything about it, anyway. What if she doesn’t feel the same way? Is it too late to start over? –SO MANY QUESTIONS
DEAR SO MANY QUESTIONS: You can always start over. It may seem scary or intimidating to turn the page to a new chapter, but there is a freedom in that blank page, as well. The question is: What do you want to write? Your ex may be in denial, but you clearly have decided to move on. If you want to be with this woman, you should explore those feelings. It may be helpful to sort out some of these emotions with a therapist before you approach her. By working through the complexities of our humanness with someone who isn’t emotionally invested in the situation, you may be able to see things from different angles and decide how to approach her in a way that you are comfortable doing. Are you friends with her? Do you know her well? It can be so complicated in small towns with eyes watching and ears perking up at the first sound of gossip. Do you care at this point in your life about what other people think? I wish you the best and an abundance of love in your future with a person who makes your heart skip a beat and allows you to be your authentic self.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter
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Check out her web series:
“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.