DEAR NATALIE: I recently married a wonderful man. While we haven’t been together that long, he has accepted my children with open arms. He knows we come as a package deal and he has always been kind and loving to my kids. My oldest son (who is 17-years-old) has some mental health issues, and he and my husband got into an altercation late last week. My son tried to hit my husband after arguing about his behavior. It became pretty intense and my son is now threatening to go and live with his father – who lives an hour away. My husband is also livid about the whole thing and said he doesn’t care where my son lives. This upset me and we got into an argument about it. I don’t want my son to leave but tensions have not cooled down and it is uncomfortable in the house for all of us… including my younger kids. What do you think I should do? I want to try family counseling first, but neither seem interested in that. Thoughts? –A HOUSE DIVIDED
DEAR A HOUSE DIVIDED: Transitions can be hard for everyone when someone new moves into the home. Your oldest son may feel territorial about his space and having this new man around acting like his father may be too much, too soon for him to handle. Even though they both don’t want to try counseling, that doesn’t mean that you can’t reach out and seek support from a social worker who deals with family dynamics. They may be able to provide some support with the situation. Under the surface, your son may be feeling as though you have abandoned him for this other man in your life. Spending some one-on-one time with him or talking to him openly and honestly about the situation may help to cool tempers. In the meantime, if your son continues acting out, perhaps living with his father is a good idea. He is 17, after all, and can choose where he wants to be. If it is better (for now) for him to be at his dad’s home, let him go.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I recently moved (again) for his job. This is the third move in seven years. He keeps telling me “this is the last time” but then something pops up and he jumps at whatever his boss says he needs to do. Yes, it is a lucrative position, but I am tired of starting over every few years. We have two little kids and I have to keep uprooting them. It also has been challenging for me to find and commit to work because of all this upheaval. He tries to paint a rosy picture about it, how we are “on an adventure” but it is a lot easier to say that when you don’t have kids at home to wrangle and a house to sell and pack up. My mother tells me to suck it up, that I should be lucky to have a husband with such a good job that allows me the opportunity to have a family. Is it wrong that I want more? That I want him to recognize my autonomy, too? My sacrifices? I am feeling resentful and not sure how to address it without looking like the bad guy. –HOUSEWIFE BLUES
DEAR HOUSEWIFE BLUES: You are not wrong for wanting to fully be seen. I would recommend doing some soul searching during this next leg of your “adventure” and find out what gifts you have that you can contribute to a space outside of the home. Joining a non-profit as a volunteer in the area can help you to meet people and open doors. Enjoy fitness? Why not sign up for group classes at a local gym or center to meet new people. As you slowly start to grow your network, you can begin to think about the ways in which you can enrich your life through building community. Don’t be afraid to try new activities or get out of your comfort zone. You may even pick up a part-time job if that makes sense to you and go from there. In the meantime, talk to your husband. Tell him that you love him and your family, but that just like him, you need something to anchor your identity to outside the home. You have made a lot of sacrifices. If this means he needs to step up to the plate more, then that is what he needs to do. This is a partnership, after all.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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