DEAR NATALIE: My ex-wife and I have been getting together for the holidays with our children for years. We are both remarried, but in recent years there has been this spark between us. We were young when we got together – too young – and needed to learn how to be on our own and grow. We grew apart and divorced amicably. Our houses are in the same neighborhood so that our kids could have an easier time. They are both in college now and we find ourselves still texting quite a bit and reminiscing. I haven’t been happy lately in my marriage and it seems as though she feels the same. Our friends always used to tell us that we would one day find our way back to each other and I wonder if they are right. I want to tell her to leave her husband and come back to me. I think about it every day. I don’t know what I would tell my wife. I wanted stability after my divorce and remarried quickly. I probably should have stayed single. My question for you is: Should I ask my ex-wife if she feels the same way that I do? We are only in our early 50s – we could still start over again together. Thoughts? – READY FOR ROUND TWO
DEAR READY FOR ROUND TWO: Life's too short to play “what if” games. If this is weighing on your heart, you should talk to your ex. But not in a “torrid affair” kind of way. In a “I really feel as though I’m at a crossroads and want to know if you feel the same” kind of way. Remember, there are four people involved in this, not just two. You have to show respect and decency towards your partner and towards hers. First, you need to see if there is still something real between you, or if you are looking to escape your unhappy marriages. Then, you need to talk to your partners. Are they happy? Have you given them a chance to share where they are in the relationships? It may seem like a good idea to walk away right now, but when push comes to shove, are you both willing to divorce and try your relationship again? What would that look like? Should you try individual therapy first to make sure this is what you really want? If you love each other, then really work this through so that you can come back together in the healthiest way possible – knowing there will be broken hearts along the way.
DEAR NATALIE: I’m a 26-year-old guy living with a 42-year-old woman named Alex. I want to marry her. She is wonderful. My family, however, hates our relationship and the age difference. They say that I’m “throwing my life away and my chance to have a family” if I marry her. Alex never had children, she chose a big career, instead. I don’t need to have a family to be fulfilled. I want to bring her to my family’s annual New Year’s Eve party. They said I am not welcome if I bring her. I won’t go if they won’t accept her, but I think it is really weighing on Alex. She said that she doesn’t want to be the cause of tension and isn’t sure if we should keep seeing each other. I am not sure what to do, but I’m really angry with my parents over this. Is there any way forward? — AGE IS JUST A NUMBER
DEAR AGE IS JUST A NUMBER: Isn’t it funny to think that when a 26-year-old woman dates a 42-year-old man, no one even blinks? But when the situation is reversed, suddenly there is a crisis in need of management. Has your family spent any time with Alex? Have they allowed themselves to get to know her a bit first before passing judgement on you both? It sounds as though they think they are protecting you, but in actuality are being incredibly short-sighted. If this is who you choose to be with, and if they treat you well and you bring out the best in each other, why should anyone care? You need to have a heart-to-heart with your family and remind them that you love them and respect their opinion, but that they need to respect your choices, too. Invite them for a drink or coffee to meet Alex. If they won’t even do that, then you have to decide if you can keep the relationships separate until they come around, or if you need to pull back for a while from them until they recognize that you are serious. I’m sorry that your family has put you in an unfair position. Regardless of whether or not you and Alex stay together forever or go your separate ways at some point, that is not up to them. Don’t give them any power here. They don’t have a right to tell you who to date or love.
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