DEAR NATALIE: The holiday season is here and my girlfriend is expecting me to propose. We have been together for three years and she feels that “it’s time.” I am not sure how I feel. I also don’t even know how I feel about my life in general right now. I hate my current job. I don’t love the city I live in. I would like to move. I have told her repeatedly that I don’t know if I want to stay in this place and she said she would move with me. She is a nurse, so she can find work pretty easily. I am in finance and have been searching for jobs. Recently, I was offered a lucrative role outside of the United States. I want to take the job. I don’t want her to feel obligated to come with me. I don’t want her to be resentful, either. I am not sure how to navigate this when I know she is expecting a proposal and instead I’m about to tell her I’m moving. How do I do this without hurting her? – LONDON BOUND DEAR LONDON BOUND: Clearly you're not interested in having her come with you or you would propose. If you were really ready to settle down with her, this would be a great time to do so. Since you are not asking me about rings or engagement plans, it is clear that you are trying to talk yourself into something? Or talk yourself out of something? You have to ask yourself what it is that you want. If you are not 100 percent committed to this relationship, it is completely unfair to keep her in the dark. I’m not sure if she knew you were applying for this job, specifically, but it isn’t healthy for both of you to have this much unsaid between you. Speak from your heart and tell her what you are doing. Yes, she may be hurt and angry, but she deserves the truth.
DEAR NATALIE: I met this great guy. We had a really good first date. Then, an even better second date. Then, nothing. I haven’t heard from him for a week. We went out twice – once on a Saturday and once on a Tuesday night – and now nothing. He hasn’t texted me back, he hasn’t called me. I am at a total loss. I don’t know what I did wrong? He was charming and sexy and funny and I could really see potential. Now, I’m just furious at myself for ever getting my hopes up. It’s so hard to meet people in your 30s. I am so tired of the games. Should I continue to follow up or just write him off? He didn’t seem like the type that would do this, but now I’m just replaying our dates over in my head trying to find red flags. Any advice? —GHOSTED
DEAR GHOSTED: Who knows what may have happened? Perhaps it has nothing to do with you. Maybe he got back together with an ex and didn’t have the courage to tell you. Maybe he realized that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship right now. Maybe he has just been really busy? But, even if he was, it is just plain rude not to respond to someone after a week unless there has been some kind of an emergency. I would give it one last chance. Try texting him one more time. If nothing happens, delete him from your phone and move on with your life. We don’t always know why people act the way that they do. I do know that obsessing over what you think his reasoning may have been for seemingly ghosting you is only going to make you feel worse. If he does respond, he needs to apologize and explain what happened. If this is just how he communicates (or his lack of) that is something to take note of. Yes, it can be challenging dating in your 30s because people’s habits (constructive or not) are solidifying into their character. If this is who he is, recognize that for what it is. You have to decide what works for you and what you can live with – and what’s a dealbreaker. If not with him, then the next person who catches your eye.
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