DEAR NATALIE: I had a pretty bad divorce and have been living alone now for three years. My friends want me to “get back in the game” but I really don’t know if I ever want to date anyone again. I am 36 and enjoy my solitude. But, I was thinking about this decision more since the holidays are coming up. While the idea of being alone forever is scary, I also have mixed emotions about being with someone after what happened in my marriage. Do you think living alone for so long will make it hard for me to date again? What if I really don’t want to ever date again? Why does that make me a social pariah? — TABLE FOR ONE
DEAR TABLE FOR ONE: There is not one way to live. Some people enjoy being single. Some people can’t stand the thought of not having a partner. Both and every way in between are valid ways to be. Here’s what I would ask myself in your situation: “What if I take the pressure off of myself about dating and marriage? What if I just enjoy my life, date myself, fill my world with good friends and family and hobbies? What if I remain open to the possibility of life being as full as I want it to be? Then see what happens. Putting ultimatums on ourselves is a great way to feel unnecessary stress and pressure. It sucks all the fun out of living. You went through hell. Take all the time you need. I also recommend that if you are having a hard time, reach out for support. There are plenty of good therapists that work specifically with people who are going through divorce. There is no shame in taking time to work on your mental health. To the people in your life who are encouraging you to get back in the game, let them know that while you appreciate their interest in your love life, you are focused on healing right now. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past year. It was a hard year, for sure, and we both finished school and were job hunting. Well, I have found a good job and have been working now for about six months. He is still struggling to find work. I keep telling him to take something else in the meantime, but he doesn’t want to work retail or in the food industry because he said “he has his master’s degree and shouldn’t have to do those jobs.” I don’t have a problem with floating him for now, but I don’t want to carry the load forever. I gently told him the other day that some help with bills would be great, especially since we both have student loans. He flipped out and threatened to break up with me. I love him and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t just want to be his money tree, either. Any suggestions on how to handle this? —NOT MS. MONEYBAGS
DEAR NOT MS. MONEYBAGS: All work is valuable and all workers should feel valued. The fact that he feels as though working in certain sectors is “beneath him” is concerning. I understand that he has an advanced degree. No one is saying he needs to work a service or retail job forever. But the reality is that in the meantime, you need help with finances. If his only reason for not working is because it isn’t the job he wants, well that isn’t good enough. It’s absurd for him to think that you can float him indefinitely. While I appreciate that you love him and don’t want him to leave you, I would be mindful of how manipulative it is of him to threaten to leave if you “make” him get a job. Who has more to lose in this situation? He does. The next time you are able to bring this up, make it clear that there is a deadline to this. He needs to contribute and you need to make it clear what your expectations are, as well.
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