DEAR NATALIE: I recently got married and was at my sister-in-law’s birthday dinner at her home last weekend when things got out of hand. We were all pretty drunk. My wife fell asleep in the guest bedroom and my sister-in-law and I ended up messing around. I know this is absolutely horrible. I am hating myself for what happened. My sister-in-law is totally disgusted by what we did, and we have both vowed to keep this secret between us. But, now, things are really uncomfortable. What do I do? Should I tell my wife? We seriously just got married and it will destroy her. I feel awful. I love her. I have no interest in her sister. I don’t know what I was thinking. — BAD DECISION

DEAR BAD DECISION: To cheat on your new wife is bad enough. But to do it with her sister? This is just another level. I don’t see how both of you can keep this secret forever. Things are already uncomfortable and awkward. Eventually, one of you may crack and that could make this way worse if you go further and further down the road with this lie hanging over your heads. Some people may say to carry this to the grave. But that depends on if you can do that. I wouldn’t take that chance. If she finds out another way other than from the two of you, she may truly be devastated and unable to salvage a relationship with either of you. My other concern is this: What if you both get drunk again and this becomes a little thing to do on the side from time to time? You are playing a very dangerous game. Having a secret is a bond of intimacy. The more time that bond has to solidify — well — it could cause other issues down the road. If she did this with your sibling or relative, would you want to know? Would you want all the information on the table? It isn’t fair to do this to her and then hold this secret. What if it comes out ten years and two kids later? Then what? You could destroy more than just your marriage at that point. Be prepared to have everything fall apart. Be prepared to go to couples’ counseling. Be prepared to be ostracized at family events. Be prepared for anything. Unless you know in your gut that both of you will never tell a living person and will never speak of it again, I don’t see how you can keep this from her. Go talk to a therapist first and find a way to share this with her. You owe her the truth. And she owes you nothing. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother and his wife refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccination and it is really driving a wedge between our family. We have a really tight group and it hasn’t been easy with not being able to be around each other all year. But, my brother and his wife are very bohemian and they think that the vaccine has “bad stuff” in it. They have two small daughters and I want our kids to be able to get together like we used to. My mom is refusing to see either of them until they are vaccinated and that has become a huge issue, as well. I find it really irresponsible that for her sake that they refuse. I love my brother and his wife and I really do miss being together. I know they are both a bit out there, but they are funny, sweet and loving people. How do I convince them that the vaccine is safe? We have all had it in my family — shouldn’t the proof be in the pudding? — VACCINATION HESITATION

DEAR VACCINATION HESITATION: Now that we are in this weird limbo of transition, where some people are fully vaccinated and others are hesitant to do so for whatever reason, it can feel like the world has turned a bit upside down yet again. How can we get back to “normal” after so many have died and so many have suffered? Expecting people to just be “over it?” Some people have acted like nothing has happened all year long, and some people like your brother and sister-in-law, want to believe there is a secret monster hiding under the bed. The monsters are clear: Coronavirus and the spread of misinformation. Until we decide to stand together and collectively work towards a common goal to end this misery, we are going to remain in this limbo land. The way forward is to get vaccinated as soon as you are able. The fact that your brother and sister-in-law refuse to do that based on misinformation and pseudo-science is sad to me. I know so many doctors, nurses and medical professionals who are mentally exhausted from trying to convince people that the vaccine is safe. What’s scary isn’t the vaccine but the mob mentality around it. I don’t know what to tell you other than to keep encouraging them. Keep sending them medically-backed and evidence-based articles. Keep offering to go with them. Keep dangling carrots like being with your mother as part of the reward for vaccination. I don’t know what we are going to do if we continue to limp along like this as a nation. I am saddened for those who won’t be able to celebrate with their families ever again because Covid cut their lives short. My heart breaks for those who are in financial ruin, out on the streets or unable to make ends meet because of the economic fallout from this disease. Until we recognize that in order to thrive we all must put in the effort, we will continue to lag behind as other nations start to pick up the pieces faster than we do. I hope your brother and sister-in-law recognize that their behavior is self indulgent and harmful. Beyond that, keep your boundaries in place. They have made their choice, now you have to make yours.

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been working remotely due to Covid for the past year or so. While I find that I am actually working more since working from home, the pace of my job has been less stressful and overall I feel positive about my situation. But, I have a co-worker that is not pulling her weight at all, and in fact, has taken credit for some of my projects and work. Since we aren’t in an office and no one is really able to see what everyone is doing as easily or readily, I find her jumping on emails and duplicating people’s work. When you tell her you already have it under control, she asks to see what you are doing. She has done this to me a few times until I caught on. Then, she shares the work with our boss and puts us both on it like she had a hand in it or something. I was furious that she did this to me the first time. Recently, I had been working hard on this project and she asked to “cross check it with what she was doing.” Then, before I knew it, she sent my work — which wasn’t completed — with her work and acted like we had been working on it together. My boss gave us feedback which I wouldn’t have needed had I been able to complete my project. Now, I feel like my boss thinks I’m incompetent or something. I don’t want to throw this person under the bus, but she is really undermining me in the office and I am worried that she is going to get credit for work she didn’t do. Do I talk to her about it? I am the worst at confrontation. Thinking about this makes me so anxious, but losing my job also makes me anxious. Any thoughts on how to handle this? — WORKED OVER

DEAR WORKED OVER: It’s good that you realized this sooner than later with her. It sounds as though working from home hasn’t worked out as well for her as it has for you. Regardless of her situation, taking credit for other people’s work is really disgusting. If I were in your shoes, I would have called her out on this the first time. However, knowing that you are not confrontational, you can handle this one of two ways: You can deal with her directly via email and warn her that if she pulls any of that nonsense again, you will go to your boss and lay it out for them. If the idea of that makes you feel nauseous, I would instead contact your boss directly and let them know what is going on. Don’t speak about whether or not you have heard she’s done this with others. Only speak to your experience with. Tell your boss that you wanted to discuss the last project with her and just be honest about what happened. Say it wasn’t the first time and you just wanted her to be aware of this. You have every right to defend your work and your reputation at your job. These are tough times and the idea of losing your job because of someone else’s sneakiness is unacceptable. Stand your ground, own your work and don’t let anyone make you feel afraid to speak up.

DEAR NATALIE: My 23-year-old son is still living at home with me and my husband. We have three kids — 19, 23 and 25 — and it seems like a revolving door when it comes to who’s living at home. Someone is always moving back in with us. Well, now my son (the 23-year-old) wants us to take in his girlfriend for three months — who is from South America — to see if they are compatible enough to get married. I am completely against this. He can do what he wants outside my home, but if he lives here in my home, he has to follow my rules. I don’t think he should be considering marriage yet, and I don’t think she is ready for that, either. We haven’t been speaking, which has created a lot of tension in the home. What do I do? Am I being too stern with him? — UPSET MOM

DEAR UPSET MOM: If your son is old enough to be contemplating marriage, he is old enough to get an apartment with his girlfriend. I sense the fatigue in your letter of having your children wearing out their welcome in your home. Every family is different. Some parents love the idea of their kids never leaving the nest. Others? They give them the boot even if they aren’t ready to fly. Sounds like you are vacillating in between and need to reclaim your home. Have an honest conversation with your son about expectations. If you were to allow his girlfriend to move in, is there a hard deadline? Do they need to be out in three months? Six months? Giving them expectations and boundaries may help everyone feel better and help you feel more in control. If having her move in is completely out of the question, then your son needs to decide if he is ready to move out and move in with her. If he is serious about marrying her, then they should start looking for their own place together. If he just wants to shack up and let mommy and daddy pay the rent, then he may need a reality check. Whatever you decide to do, bring everyone to the table and make this decision as a family so that you don’t burn any bridges or have any regrets down the road.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am 24-years-old and have never really been in a relationship before. The idea of sex always made me nervous and while I have kissed a few boys, it has never gone beyond that. I just started dating this guy I really like. He and I have been doing things that I have never done before but I am enjoying them. My only problem is, he doesn’t know that I am a virgin and I don’t want to freak him out. Do I have to tell him? Should I tell him? I don’t know what to do. Do you think he will understand? I want to have sex with him but afraid he will laugh at me if he knows — STILL A VIRGIN

DEAR STILL A VIRGIN: If someone were to laugh at you after sharing something so personal, then they don’t deserve to be with you. People have sex with other people at many different stages of life and when and if you choose to have sex with someone else is a very personal choice. There is nothing “wrong” with being in your 20s and not having experienced sex with another person. When and if you are ready is completely your decision. It sounds as though the pacing of this relationship has been positive for you and you want to take that next step. Do you have to tell him? No. But you might feel more confident and comfortable if you are honest about yourself. You may also want to share this when you aren’t in the throes of passion so that you can have a real conversation around it. Who knows? Maybe he hasn’t had that much experience, either. It may take the pressure off of you if you just tell him how you feel about the situation. Sex can be awesome when it is with someone you trust and enjoy being with. If he fits that criteria, share what you are comfortable sharing and see what happens. Who knows? The strength of your vulnerability may inspire him to share his story with you, as well.

DEAR NATALIE: I have been in a “relationship” for six months. Every time we are alone, he is sweet to me, affectionate and loving. When we are in public, he is often aloof, distracted and rude. He won’t introduce me to his family and whenever we meet his friends or colleagues, he introduces me as a “friend.” What is going on? Is he stringing me along? Why would he do this? I don’t want to be in a pseudo-relationship … so should I call it quits?

— KINDA GIRLFRIEND

DEAR KINDA GIRLFRIEND: It sounds like you are both in different relationships. He is approaching this with a sense of casualness and you are taking it more seriously. The question that I have for you is this: How long will you allow him to dictate the terms of this dynamic? You are clearly unhappy with how you are being treated. You need to confront the situation and ask him why he refers to you as a “friend” in public and why he has such a shift in attitude towards you depending on whether you are in private or not? He seems moody and manipulative. Is this the kind of person you want to spend more time with? Unless he is willing to work on himself and learns how to treat you with dignity and respect, I don’t see what the reason would be to continue this relationship. Why be with someone when they make you feel alone? Why give someone your heart if they don’t know how to take care of it? Relationships are a conversation and right now this speaks to the early stages of emotional abuse. Reevaluate and make the bold choice to protect yourself. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci