DEAR NATALIE: My mom’s new boyfriend is disgusting. I was at her home for dinner the other night and he had been drinking beer and started commenting on how hot I was -- in front of my mother. She tried to laugh it off, but I was horrified. I told him he was disgusting, he needed to apologize and to never speak about my body again. He just shrugged and didn’t say anything else. She then got angry with me! She told me I was “disrespecting her relationship” and that I needed to “know my place.” My place? My place has always been that I pick up the pieces after her relationships fall apart. I am so angry with her. I moved out of her home a few years ago because of this kind of stuff, but at this point in my life, I really don’t need to deal with her drama. I do love her, but she makes it very difficult to have a relationship with her. Now she is basically telling me that I can’t come over unless I apologize to her boyfriend for being rude. I refuse to do that. So, we aren’t speaking right now. Any advice on how to move forward? -- BOYFRIEND OVER DAUGHTER

DEAR BOYFRIEND OVER DAUGHTER: This is so much deeper than this incident. It is obvious that you have danced this dance with her many times in the past. I also find it horrifying that he not only spoke to you in such a disgusting way, but that she defended him instead of you. Unfortunately, I have gotten many letters over the years with this similar theme. I applaud you for standing up for yourself in a very uncomfortable situation. Your mom’s boyfriend should be ashamed of himself and he absolutely owes you an apology. Your mother should have stood up for you and called him out on his behavior, but my guess is that she is an insecure woman who needs to have a man in her life -- no matter what. I have no doubt that this has led to tensions with you and her in the past and will continue to do so unless she decides to take a long hard look at herself in the mirror. But because you don’t have control over her behavior, you can only work to protect yourself.  Moving out of her home, standing up for yourself and creating boundaries is necessary so that you don’t become too entangled in her relationships. It is not your job to swoop in and clean up her messes or ease her broken heart. That is not the job of a child. I would recommend that you speak to a therapist so that you can discuss your relationship dynamics in a place that is free from judgment or shame. It is not easy dealing with a parent who needs parenting and that can often impact your relationships with others. Give yourself some space from her. You have every right to take this time and reevaluate what her role should be in your life based on her behavior. She has to earn a relationship with you as an adult. If she thinks you will just continue to be abused by her emotionally, then maybe she needs to see what life is like if you aren’t in the picture, instead.  

DEAR NATALIE: I am a 34-year-old single guy and I have serious reservations about the concept of marriage. I recently broke it off with my girlfriend of two years because she wanted to get married and I wasn’t ready. I feel that when people get married, they get into sex “ruts” and the passion dissipates. I was already starting to experience that with my ex. There is no mystery when you are together after a certain amount of time, but I am concerned about how this outlook could affect my future. I don’t want to be that loser who wakes up in his mid-fifties and has never had a real relationship. I do want a family in the near future. She just wasn’t the right one and it ended very badly. She said that I am a total “commitment phobe” and just using sex as an excuse. Any thoughts? 

— SINGLE GUY IN THE CITY

DEAR SINGLE GUY IN THE CITY: I would encourage you to reevaluate what it means to have a life partner. What does that look like for you? When you aren’t having sex, what are the other 23 hours of the day like together? Sex can be an important component to a romantic relationship -- I am not trying to downplay it. But, it is not everything. If you really want to have a robust and meaningful connection with someone, passion is part of it, but it isn’t all of it. What do you have in common? Do you both want children? What are the deal breakers? What is your vision for the future? What are your shared dreams? These are some of the big questions that can make or break relationships. Passions can ebb and flow through the years, but liking each other will get you through the tough times. If you are serious about settling down with someone, you need to contemplate what that looks like. Are you afraid of committing to someone because … finish that thought. Only you know why you really decided to end things. My guess is that your ex is correct. Sex was an excuse to end things but there was something else that wasn’t gelling for you.  Explore that, sit with it and recognize your role in keeping things exciting for your partner, too.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: We recently had to put my dog down. It was incredibly sad. I had my dog, Sadie, for almost 12 years and she was a huge part of my life. My whole family was incredibly supportive of me except my boyfriend. We’ve been together for three years and he knew how much she meant to me. He just told me to “calm down and get another dog” if that’s what I needed to do. I told him that eventually I will rescue another dog but I am in no place emotionally to do that right now. He doesn’t seem to understand how important she was to me or how much I went through over the past decade with her. He just shrugged his shoulders at me. He’s not a dog-lover, but my mom thinks that his insensitivity is a red flag. She told me I shouldn’t have a family with someone who can’t even understand the value of a pet. I don’t know what to feel. I’m hurt by him, but I understand that it wasn’t his dog, either. I just wish he had been more comforting. Sadie would comfort anyone who needed some love. I’ll miss that most of all. --SAYING GOODBYE

DEAR SAYING GOODBYE: I am very sorry to hear about Sadie’s passing. Pets are family and you said it best -- a comfort to the lives that they touch. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I noted two things: 1. He isn’t comfortable with death or dying and doesn’t know what to say. So, he said something flippant that upset you. 2. Telling you to “calm down and get another dog” isn’t helpful. In fact, it’s insensitive and rude. It downplays your feelings and disrespects where you are in this moment. I understand your mom’s concern. If you are going to be serious with someone, shouldn’t it be someone who can comfort you in your grief? It’s easy to be in love or to love someone when times are good. But when times are tough, what does the relationship look like? This is a sneak peek. Now, should you throw away the relationship? Perhaps not yet. Instead, I would talk to him about how his comment made you feel and what you need from him moving forward in these types of situations. Ask him how he feels about death. He may not have had to confront that issue in his life. He may not understand his own feelings about it. It may be a conversation to have so that you can both grow together.  If he is unwilling or unable, then you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to move towards building a family with someone who can’t even let you grieve a dog you loved. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’m going out to Los Angeles next month to visit my daughter who is in design school. We haven’t been able to see her through the entire pandemic, but now that I’m vaccinated -- and she will be by next week -- we are looking forward to reuniting. It is also my birthday when I go to visit, so we wanted to plan something special to do. However, she is dating this new woman and wants me to meet her. I bristled at the fact because I haven’t seen her in so long and do not want to share my time with her while I’m there. I’m only going for five days and want to make the most of it. She became upset and acted like I don’t want to meet her new partner -- and then made some comment that it is because she is a woman. I am in no way homophobic and was really hurt that she insinuated that. We had an argument and haven’t spoken in three days -- which is a long time for us to go without talking. I am annoyed with this whole situation and just want to move beyond it. I don’t want to meet her new girlfriend because of the timing, not because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices. How do I get this visit back on track so that we can have a fun time together? I just miss my little girl.

—A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION

DEAR A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION: Before we go any further, I want to clarify that your daughter’s “lifestyle choices” may be the reason she is feeling defensive. When you used that phrase, I began to wonder whether you really accept her sexuality or you are still grappling with it. I urge you to let go of any preconceived ideas that your daughter is “choosing” to be with a woman and embrace that your daughter is with a woman. Moving on from that, I understand that you want to spend uninterrupted time together because you’ve been denied that during the pandemic. But, your unwillingness to meet her new partner may be making your daughter feel unaccepted and unloved. Call her to clear the air. Start by apologizing. Let her know that you respect her and love her wholly. Just as she is. Then, explain that you just wanted to see her and not share space or time with anyone else. However, you’ve had a little time to reflect and realize that if it is important to her that you meet her new partner, then it’s important to you. Offer to go for lunch or grab a cocktail to meet her. That way, you are only committing an hour or two of the trip to her partner, and your daughter may see this as you making a real effort. Set the boundaries before you visit about what you both will be doing with your time, and make it very clear that you want one-on-one time together. But, also make room for her to share her life with you because she doesn't get to see you often. You may be surprised at how that can deepen your bond. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged to an older man who I have been dating for the past few years. I have moved some of my clothing and other personal items from my house into an unused room in his house. He has a grown daughter who moved away many years ago and she recently came home for a weekend visit. She arrived while I was working, and when I drove home that day, I was horrified to see that all of my clothing and personal items were thrown on top of dirty boxes in the open and filthy garage. She was not happy that I had used a closet and dresser in "her" old room.  I immediately loaded my items back into my car. I worried that she would blow up if I asked her about moving my belongings so I didn't mention it. She never brought it up, either. I quietly addressed the issue with my fiancé later that night. He did not feel a need to discuss the situation with her because she would be leaving in a couple days, anyway. I am afraid that she will always consider me to be an intruder, and I have suggested to my fiancé that we look for another home to move into when we are married. He does not want to buy another home, and he will not move into my house due to the distance from his favorite golf course. I cannot consider selling my home yet because I am using it for storage. If this situation is not better by the time we are married, I am wondering if I should consider buying myself a larger home, in his neighborhood near the golf course, and ask him to move in with me? —CAST AWAY

DEAR CAST AWAY: What concerns me most in this scenario is that fact that everyone seems afraid to confront the daughter for throwing your belongings out into the garage. Her old room may have some sentimental value for her — but she doesn't live there anymore — and she needs to recognize that her father is allowed to move on with his life. Instead of tossing your things into the garage, she could have asked you about your belongings being in “her room.” Her response is that of a child, not a grown adult. I am concerned that she’s behaving so disrespectfully and that your fiancé didn’t do anything about it. Is he afraid of her reaction? Is she emotionally abusive and he doesn’t want to deal with it? Learning more about the dynamics of his family before you walk down the aisle may be helpful to you as you navigate these murky and volatile waters. As far as you buying a house that is in his preferred neighborhood for the both of you to live in, I would talk that through with him first. Yes, you marry your partner, but you also marry into a family. Are these the family dynamics that you want to deal with in the long term? It sounds like you are being incredibly accommodating to him, but he needs to meet you halfway, too. If a fresh start keeps your clothes from being tossed out of the house, he may need to reconsider his attachment to his current home and instead focus on the future with you. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother is getting married soon and they are including my siblings (three other brothers) in the wedding party but not me. Being the oldest brother, I thought for sure I would be the best man, but instead I’m not even in the party at all. This is incredibly hurtful. My wife thinks it is because I have been hypercritical of how my brother and his fiancée have been handling COVID. They have been very cavalier with everything — not wearing masks to visit our mother, not taking proper precautions with crowds — they never stopped eating indoors at restaurants, either. As someone in the medical profession, I have a hard time watching their irresponsible decision-making without saying anything to them. We got into a big argument during the holiday season, but I thought things had cooled down. Apparently, I was wrong. I’m incredibly hurt and want to address this, but my wife says this will only make it worse. What do you think? — FAMILY PROBLEMS

DEAR FAMILY PROBLEMS: While I can understand your wife wanting to keep the peace, I also know how resentments can build over time when you don’t share how you feel. If you need to share with your brother exactly how his behavior has impacted you, then do that. Don’t be confrontational about it, however. It sounds as though he has been acting oppositional all year long, so you may want to take a different approach. Say something like: “I’ve noticed I’m the only brother not in the wedding party. I have to be honest, that really is bothering me. I don’t want you and I to have this level of tension. What can we do to work through this?” At the end of the day, it really isn’t about the wedding. It’s about the emotional distance you feel from your brother and your family. It’s about feeling hurt and publicly excluded. If COVID has shown us anything, it’s that what matters most are our relationships— with ourselves and each other. Don’t let this fester. Talk to your brother and try to find some common ground so that no one has any regrets. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci