DEAR NATALIE: We recently had to put my dog down. It was incredibly sad. I had my dog, Sadie, for almost 12 years and she was a huge part of my life. My whole family was incredibly supportive of me except my boyfriend. We’ve been together for three years and he knew how much she meant to me. He just told me to “calm down and get another dog” if that’s what I needed to do. I told him that eventually I will rescue another dog but I am in no place emotionally to do that right now. He doesn’t seem to understand how important she was to me or how much I went through over the past decade with her. He just shrugged his shoulders at me. He’s not a dog-lover, but my mom thinks that his insensitivity is a red flag. She told me I shouldn’t have a family with someone who can’t even understand the value of a pet. I don’t know what to feel. I’m hurt by him, but I understand that it wasn’t his dog, either. I just wish he had been more comforting. Sadie would comfort anyone who needed some love. I’ll miss that most of all. --SAYING GOODBYE

DEAR SAYING GOODBYE: I am very sorry to hear about Sadie’s passing. Pets are family and you said it best -- a comfort to the lives that they touch. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I noted two things: 1. He isn’t comfortable with death or dying and doesn’t know what to say. So, he said something flippant that upset you. 2. Telling you to “calm down and get another dog” isn’t helpful. In fact, it’s insensitive and rude. It downplays your feelings and disrespects where you are in this moment. I understand your mom’s concern. If you are going to be serious with someone, shouldn’t it be someone who can comfort you in your grief? It’s easy to be in love or to love someone when times are good. But when times are tough, what does the relationship look like? This is a sneak peek. Now, should you throw away the relationship? Perhaps not yet. Instead, I would talk to him about how his comment made you feel and what you need from him moving forward in these types of situations. Ask him how he feels about death. He may not have had to confront that issue in his life. He may not understand his own feelings about it. It may be a conversation to have so that you can both grow together.  If he is unwilling or unable, then you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to move towards building a family with someone who can’t even let you grieve a dog you loved. 

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DEAR NATALIE: I’m going out to Los Angeles next month to visit my daughter who is in design school. We haven’t been able to see her through the entire pandemic, but now that I’m vaccinated -- and she will be by next week -- we are looking forward to reuniting. It is also my birthday when I go to visit, so we wanted to plan something special to do. However, she is dating this new woman and wants me to meet her. I bristled at the fact because I haven’t seen her in so long and do not want to share my time with her while I’m there. I’m only going for five days and want to make the most of it. She became upset and acted like I don’t want to meet her new partner -- and then made some comment that it is because she is a woman. I am in no way homophobic and was really hurt that she insinuated that. We had an argument and haven’t spoken in three days -- which is a long time for us to go without talking. I am annoyed with this whole situation and just want to move beyond it. I don’t want to meet her new girlfriend because of the timing, not because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices. How do I get this visit back on track so that we can have a fun time together? I just miss my little girl.

—A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION

DEAR A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION: Before we go any further, I want to clarify that your daughter’s “lifestyle choices” may be the reason she is feeling defensive. When you used that phrase, I began to wonder whether you really accept her sexuality or you are still grappling with it. I urge you to let go of any preconceived ideas that your daughter is “choosing” to be with a woman and embrace that your daughter is with a woman. Moving on from that, I understand that you want to spend uninterrupted time together because you’ve been denied that during the pandemic. But, your unwillingness to meet her new partner may be making your daughter feel unaccepted and unloved. Call her to clear the air. Start by apologizing. Let her know that you respect her and love her wholly. Just as she is. Then, explain that you just wanted to see her and not share space or time with anyone else. However, you’ve had a little time to reflect and realize that if it is important to her that you meet her new partner, then it’s important to you. Offer to go for lunch or grab a cocktail to meet her. That way, you are only committing an hour or two of the trip to her partner, and your daughter may see this as you making a real effort. Set the boundaries before you visit about what you both will be doing with your time, and make it very clear that you want one-on-one time together. But, also make room for her to share her life with you because she doesn't get to see you often. You may be surprised at how that can deepen your bond. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged to an older man who I have been dating for the past few years. I have moved some of my clothing and other personal items from my house into an unused room in his house. He has a grown daughter who moved away many years ago and she recently came home for a weekend visit. She arrived while I was working, and when I drove home that day, I was horrified to see that all of my clothing and personal items were thrown on top of dirty boxes in the open and filthy garage. She was not happy that I had used a closet and dresser in "her" old room.  I immediately loaded my items back into my car. I worried that she would blow up if I asked her about moving my belongings so I didn't mention it. She never brought it up, either. I quietly addressed the issue with my fiancé later that night. He did not feel a need to discuss the situation with her because she would be leaving in a couple days, anyway. I am afraid that she will always consider me to be an intruder, and I have suggested to my fiancé that we look for another home to move into when we are married. He does not want to buy another home, and he will not move into my house due to the distance from his favorite golf course. I cannot consider selling my home yet because I am using it for storage. If this situation is not better by the time we are married, I am wondering if I should consider buying myself a larger home, in his neighborhood near the golf course, and ask him to move in with me? —CAST AWAY

DEAR CAST AWAY: What concerns me most in this scenario is that fact that everyone seems afraid to confront the daughter for throwing your belongings out into the garage. Her old room may have some sentimental value for her — but she doesn't live there anymore — and she needs to recognize that her father is allowed to move on with his life. Instead of tossing your things into the garage, she could have asked you about your belongings being in “her room.” Her response is that of a child, not a grown adult. I am concerned that she’s behaving so disrespectfully and that your fiancé didn’t do anything about it. Is he afraid of her reaction? Is she emotionally abusive and he doesn’t want to deal with it? Learning more about the dynamics of his family before you walk down the aisle may be helpful to you as you navigate these murky and volatile waters. As far as you buying a house that is in his preferred neighborhood for the both of you to live in, I would talk that through with him first. Yes, you marry your partner, but you also marry into a family. Are these the family dynamics that you want to deal with in the long term? It sounds like you are being incredibly accommodating to him, but he needs to meet you halfway, too. If a fresh start keeps your clothes from being tossed out of the house, he may need to reconsider his attachment to his current home and instead focus on the future with you. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother is getting married soon and they are including my siblings (three other brothers) in the wedding party but not me. Being the oldest brother, I thought for sure I would be the best man, but instead I’m not even in the party at all. This is incredibly hurtful. My wife thinks it is because I have been hypercritical of how my brother and his fiancée have been handling COVID. They have been very cavalier with everything — not wearing masks to visit our mother, not taking proper precautions with crowds — they never stopped eating indoors at restaurants, either. As someone in the medical profession, I have a hard time watching their irresponsible decision-making without saying anything to them. We got into a big argument during the holiday season, but I thought things had cooled down. Apparently, I was wrong. I’m incredibly hurt and want to address this, but my wife says this will only make it worse. What do you think? — FAMILY PROBLEMS

DEAR FAMILY PROBLEMS: While I can understand your wife wanting to keep the peace, I also know how resentments can build over time when you don’t share how you feel. If you need to share with your brother exactly how his behavior has impacted you, then do that. Don’t be confrontational about it, however. It sounds as though he has been acting oppositional all year long, so you may want to take a different approach. Say something like: “I’ve noticed I’m the only brother not in the wedding party. I have to be honest, that really is bothering me. I don’t want you and I to have this level of tension. What can we do to work through this?” At the end of the day, it really isn’t about the wedding. It’s about the emotional distance you feel from your brother and your family. It’s about feeling hurt and publicly excluded. If COVID has shown us anything, it’s that what matters most are our relationships— with ourselves and each other. Don’t let this fester. Talk to your brother and try to find some common ground so that no one has any regrets. 

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fighting over the vaccine. We both want to get it, but neither of us qualify yet in the state that we live in. But my friend was able to get us on a list that let us know if there were extra vaccines being thrown out. It is much better to use them than to lose them, she said! I agreed wholeheartedly and signed us up for the waitlist. Well, the next day, she said she had extra. I told her we would both be there at the end of the day, and my husband refused to go. He said that we needed to “wait our turn” and that we were taking them away from people who needed the vaccine more. I told him that we all need the vaccine and they were just going to be thrown away. Well, we got into a fight about it and I left to get the vaccine alone. When I got there, she was mad at me because he canceled last minute. She could have called another person on the list had I told her. But I explained that I didn’t know he was going to react that way at the last minute. She just mumbled that it was “fine” when we both knew it wasn’t. So now she is annoyed with me, my husband is annoyed with me and I’m annoyed with my husband. How do I get him to see that waiting it out isn’t the best approach if there is a vaccine available?

—VAX ME

DEAR VAX ME: Because this is all uncharted territory, the etiquette surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine is fuzzy at best. I agree with your friend. It is much better that the vaccines get used instead of tossed. So, if you are on a list that can help reduce waste, I’m all for that. Your husband, on the other hand, has  his own philosophy. While I don’t agree with him, I understand where he is coming from. But where this fell apart was the miscommunication around the situation. You never wrote in your letter whether you actually told him you had put his name on the list. Maybe you assumed he would be OK with it, but clearly he wasn’t. If anything, this is a lesson for next time. Instead of answering for both of you, make sure you talk to him about where he stands on an issue before committing him to something he may or may not be willing to participate in. What’s done is done, however. You already apologized to your friend, so I would just move on. Hopefully she doesn’t hold a grudge. In the meantime, sit down and have a conversation with your husband about what happened. Acknowledge that you may have misunderstood his position. I would also reiterate that while you won’t make decisions for him moving forward, you hope that he will reconsider having his name on the list if he can get a vaccine sooner. The sooner we are all vaccinated, the sooner we can enjoy our lives a little more again. It’s a win-win for everyone, but ultimately it is his choice. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am a female senior citizen and my 90+ year old husband and I had a horrible experience in the vegetable aisle as we were shopping in a grocery story recently. A young man, who looked to be in his 30s, started to yell at me accusing me of "cutting him off" in the aisle.  According to my husband -- who was walking behind me as I was walking straight down the aisle -- the man approached on my right and probably expected me to allow him to walk ahead of me.  With my mask and the hood of my coat somewhat blocking my peripheral vision, I honestly didn't even see him. I immediately apologized, but he continued to yell, still accusing me of cutting him off.  It didn't make sense for me to engage an enraged, much larger physically fit man over such a small issue so I apologized again. But I continued to hear his rant to other customers. My husband was frightened and asked "What was that all about?" We quickly left the vegetable aisle without tomatoes. Out of curiosity, I would like to know if I had the right of way? If I were a car traveling straight on a road and a car was driving perpendicular towards me on my right, wouldn't I have the right of way? I hope to never be in this position again but I would like to know proper protocol as it appears as if chivalry is dead.—NO TOMATOES DEAR NO TOMATOES: I’m so sorry this guy was such a jerk to you and your husband at the grocery store. I can’t imagine having that kind of a reaction. Even if you had bumped into him, he didn’t need to respond to you with such anger. The fact that he was so hostile over having to wait in an aisle for an elderly couple to gather tomatoes says a lot more about him than it does about you. I fear that this past year has made us even more isolated, angry and on edge than ever before. I fear that people’s frustrations are running over in uncontrollable ways and they are taking it out on people that they know can’t stand up to them. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t have been verbally attacked in the store. I wish for all of us that we give one another a little more space and grace as we continue to navigate these waters of life during and after this pandemic. We are all in this together and I wish we would start acting like it. A little kindness and patience goes a long way.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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