DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my 94-year-old grandfather to Covid-19 and I am really bitter about it. He was in good health and did not live in a nursing home. I say this because I am so sick of people acting like just because they were old that they were going to die anyway. I am hurt and horrified at how we treat the elderly in this country. Some of my family is also upsetting me about this because they are anti-maskers and do not want to admit that wearing a mask saves lives. Even after this. I have all of these feelings and I don’t know how to process them. I’m also seeing more and more of my friends losing family to Covid-19. It’s really starting to hit home for a lot of people. How can we handle not only our own grief but then be there for friends who are also suffering? —COVID-19 HITTING HOME

DEAR COVID-19 HITTING HOME: I have said it before and i’ll say it again: This whole country has been experiencing collective grief. And when we don’t acknowledge grief, it can take other forms, like anger or despair. The fact that your family is still in denial about the importance of wearing masks may seem mind boggling, but this denial is how they are protecting themselves because they refuse to acknowledge reality. They haven’t tapped into their grief. Now, with it hitting so close to home, they are even more defensive about their choices than before. All that you can do is to continue to protect yourself and your family as best you can by practicing social distancing, wearing a mask whenever you are in public or around people outside of your household, and washing your hands. In terms of your own experience with grieving the loss of your grandfather while also simultaneously feeling anger and bitterness towards the situation at large, just lean into it. You can hold two feelings at once. You can both honor him and feel frustration around the circumstances of his death. My one mentor used to say to me: “If you want to heal it, you have to feel it.” So allow yourself grace and space in this situation. Allow yourself room to grieve, room to feel all of it. You owe yourself that. There is no circumventing the intensity of all of this. None of this is normal. My fear is that everything related to Covid-19 will become normalized. We should never normalize this. We should never accept this as “just the way it is.” These deaths were preventable and your anger and bitterness are understandable. But my hope for you is that you find someone to talk to, like a therapist, where you can work through these feelings and not have to carry them around. The healing can start from there. Once you are in a better place, you can be present for your friends experiencing their own grief and loss, too. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I live together and things haven’t been great between us. I broke things off before Covid-19 but she threatened to harm herself. We got back together and now live with each other. I lost a parent recently and have experienced other personal setbacks. I find myself using them as reasons as to why we can’t go to the next level. She would like to marry, but I am reluctant to do that because of her past. I am not even sure that I love her, but I feel obligated to take care of her right now. I am not sure what to do, but I am truly unhappy and don’t want to live like this forever. —PROLONGED MISERY

DEAR PROLONGED MISERY: You have to honor what you want and need from a life partner. The longer you ignore your feelings, the more resentment, hostility and frustration will build up around this. If you bottle all of this, you may just explode at some point and say things that you’ll regret. You have to be honest with yourself and with her. I’m not saying to drop her immediately, but I think both of you should go to counseling together and discuss what has happened. It clearly weighs on you and is preventing you from moving forward in your life. Being duty bound may seem noble, but really it means you are constantly putting someone’s needs ahead of your own and that isn’t sustainable. Own your feelings. Own where you are. Let the chips fall where they may. You both deserve to find partners that bring out the best in you. It’s not always enough to just survive; you are allowed to thrive.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been seeing this new guy for about a month now and he has already told me that he isn’t seeing anyone else. He wanted to know if I am seeing anyone else. We haven’t even met in person yet because of Covid-19. We mostly just talk over FaceTime and text throughout the day. He’s nice. I like him, but I am talking to other people. I told him the truth, and now he is mad at me. Was I wrong? What do I do now? —FREE BIRD

DEAR FREE BIRD: If he’s acting this possessive now, what would he be like in person? I give this one a hard pass. No thanks. You told him the truth, which was the right thing to do. He had no right to be angry with you, and the fact that he was is a big red flag to me. I would lose his number. Who wants to see where that road leads? Trust me, it won’t lead anywhere good. If you decide to give him one more chance, however, I would tell him that his reaction was alarming, unnecessary and made you feel uncomfortable. If he doesn’t apologize or show you that he won’t act that way again, lose his number. If he realizes that he was out of bounds and starts treating you like a person and not an object to possess, that’s great. Just remember, love is not control.

DEAR NATALIE: Normally I am very excited around the new year approaching. I have made vision boards in the past, I have thrown parties to celebrate the new year, and I have always focused on my goals, picking up new hobbies to try. But, this year, I want to do nothing. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want to do anything. My friends are worried about me, they say that I’ve been acting depressed. They are right. I am depressed. I’m scared for the future and scared for what’s next. If I don’t make any plans, then I can be disappointed. That’s what I keep telling myself. But my husband is encouraging me to have a (very small) dinner with a few of our close friends on New Year’s Eve. I have no energy. How do I get out of this funk? I don’t want to be like this but I feel very down about the world. —NO NEW YEAR

DEAR NO NEW YEAR: The idea that everyone should just pretend that nothing has changed and carry on like they would any other year is delusional, insensitive and irresponsible. It is completely fine for you to decide to sit this one out. There is no law that says you have to participate in any of these festivities, even if you have in the past. It is fine if you don’t feel like planning for the future right now. For a lot of people, just surviving the present moment is enough. Give yourself some grace, some space and some time to digest everything that is happening. If you find that months from now you still feel exactly the same way and it is inhibiting you from your living, then reach out to a therapist for support. But in this moment, in the right here right now; curl up on your couch with a good book or a movie and take this time to heal, to grieve and to reflect. It is OK to just be. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: Let me be perfectly honest. I hate Christmas. It’s such an awful holiday with way too much expectation. This year, I was so happy because everything was canceled due to Covid. But my girlfriend has been really getting on me for not wanting to do anything with her. I didn’t help decorate, I didn’t bake any cookies, I didn’t buy any presents. Now she wants to take her niece and nephew to this drive-thru lights show the day after the holiday. Why would I want to do that? We got into a big fight over this. She said she wants our future kids to experience the holidays, and that I am ruining it. Is it that big of a deal? I feel like she is on the verge of dumping me and I need some advice. I do love her and want to have a family with her someday. —GRINCH

DEAR GRINCH: Life is about compromise. For the sake of our relationships, sometimes we do things that don’t sound fun or meaningful to us, but hold value to our partner. Holidays can be like that for a lot of people. The holidays can be stressful, depressing and exhausting. But they can also be a joyful time, a time for reflection, a time for celebration. This year has been challenging on so many levels. So many families will not be spending the holidays together because of Covid-19. The economic hardships that millions and millions of Americans are facing have also dampened spirits. It sounds to me that your girlfriend is just trying to make the best of a difficult time. When you don’t want to decorate with her or bake cookies, you are missing out on interactions that could strengthen and deepen your love for each other. Why ruin this one time of year where she is feeling both joy and optimism? Love is an action word, after all. You say that you love her. You are clearly worried about your relationship with her because of your dislike of the holidays. If this is something she enjoys and you can stand to do one or two small activities with her, like taking her niece and nephew to see holiday lights, why don’t you? We all make sacrifices from time to time in our relationships. Show her that you can put your feelings aside and give her this moment. It may just grow your heart three sizes.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is always complaining to me about her relationship. She let her boyfriend move in with her during the pandemic when he lost his job. But now, he’s working full time again and has enough money to find his own place. But every time she brings it up, he just laughs and says, “Why would I leave?” I don’t blame him. She does everything for him, treats him like a prince and he really doesn’t do much for her in return. I asked her why she stays with him and she always says that old tired line: “Because I love him.” But every day she texts me something that he did or said that upsets her. What’s stopping her from leaving him? —JUST SAY GOODBYE

DEAR JUST SAY GOODBYE: Tale as old as time. In relationships, you have the givers and the takers. When a taker finds a giver, why would they leave? Theoretically, she really needs to date another giver so they can both reciprocate back and forth their admiration and appreciation for one another, but we know that’s just not how it always works. In this situation, all you can do is to continue to be a good friend to her. Listen to her, but try not to fix it. She clearly is conflicted and most likely doesn’t need anyone else telling her what she already knows in her heart. In actuality, it won’t likely change her mind and will only put a wedge between you. Instead, just be there for her, and the next time she brings him up, remind her that she is worthy of all the good things she bestows upon him. Maybe that will sink in over time. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci