DEAR NATALIE: I found my boyfriend of seven years using dating sites. Well, actually, I found them in the "cloud" after he deleted them two days ago. I asked him about this. He said that he was not on any dating sites. I said, “Well, you’re not now after you deleted them a day before I came home from work!” (I work on a travel team Sunday through Thursday in different cities and states.) I cannot get him to talk about this after I questioned him. He then turns around and says it's “my guilty conscience.”  What do I do? —HOPELESS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR HOPELESS IN MISSISSIPPI: Follow your gut and the cloud on this one. It’s pretty clear that you already know he’s on dating sites. What’s more upsetting is the fact that he’s blame-shifting and lying. Saying that you have a “guilty conscience” is really just him projecting his own feelings about what he has done onto you. If he is unhappy in the relationship, then he needs to explain to you what is going on. If you are unhappy, you need to share that with him, as well. Get it out in the open. Are these issues that you can work on? Do you want to work on them or are you both just coexisting as roommates at this point? Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean that you have to stay together. The idea of being single again after seven years may seem daunting, but it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you and the relationship with disrespect. Get to the root of the issue. Go to therapy together if he is willing. Find out what is causing the disconnect and either work to come back together or make a plan to go your separate ways. 

DEAR NATALIE: Am I the only one who hasn’t been productive during this quarantine? I feel like a lot of my colleagues and friends are acting like nothing is happening. Someone actually said to me the other day, “Why aren’t you taking this time to work on your novel?” (I’m a copywriter). I have absolutely no creative energies right now. I am scared, depressed and anxious most days. In fact, it takes a lot for me just to get through what I need to for my job. Then, I feel exhausted. I am perplexed by people’s ability to distance themselves from reality right now. I feel like I’m going crazy, too. How can we cope with feeling both depressed over not being productive during a pandemic and also allow space to grieve all that we’ve lost as a society? —COVID MELTDOWN

DEAR COVID MELTDOWN: It is wild that we are expecting the same level of productivity from adults and children alike during a global pandemic, civil rights movement and economic collapse. You should not be expected to perform or be productive, but because of the demands and unrealistic expectations that our society puts on us, here we are. You don’t owe anyone your creativity. You don’t owe anyone a performance. If you aren’t feeling like it, don’t do it. It is hard enough to just survive right now. Your productivity does not equal your worth. This framework is harmful to both your mental and physical wellbeing. Allow yourself space to grieve. Take this time to refocus on what matters to you. It is a challenging time for so many of us. When people are feeling anxious, depressed, scared or angry, it can be difficult to feel creative. Channeling your energy into something that makes you feel good might be the better solution here. Self care is not selfish. Do something for yourself like journaling, baking cookies, yoga, taking a hot bath, watching a silly movie or reading a good book. It is also OK to reach out for help. Therapy should not be a luxury and it should be accessible to everyone. If you are able to tap into that form of support, I recommend it. Hopefully--someday--we will live in a country where everyone’s health is prioritized. Because so many people are in denial about Covid-19, it can feel as though you are going “crazy.” Don’t let anyone gaslight you. Some are compartmentalizing all of this collective trauma so that they can try to function on the day-to-day. Collective grief often manifests as anger when it isn’t being properly addressed. Life is not “normal” right now and the attempt to normalize mass evictions, job losses and hundreds of thousands of deaths in an eight-month period is enough to send anyone into a mental spiral. Ground yourself, surround yourself (in a safe way!) with people who are a comfort to you, and just take care of yourself. The only way through this is together, and I hope people start to recognize that on a collective level.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been having some trouble lately in our relationship. We’ve been together for three years and started dating our senior year of college. Things were great in the beginning but now it always seems like he can’t support my decisions. I just received a promotion at work that I had been working towards. I was so excited to tell him the good news but all he did was complain that I’ll be working more. It really hurt me. He didn’t even congratulate me. He just criticized me. He even balked at the fact that I’ll have “just” a slight pay raise. Honestly, I’ve been working more because he is increasingly miserable to be around, especially because we’ve both been trapped at home due to the pandemic. He has a good job that he does remotely, so I don’t understand what this is even about. What should I do? —UNHAPPY AT HOME

DEAR UNHAPPY AT HOME: I think sometimes when people send me letters they already know the answer. It’s more that they need someone to validate their feelings or they need someone to give them “permission” to do what they already want to do. In this case, as I read between the lines, I sense that you already feel disconnected from your boyfriend. He isn’t supportive, you haven’t grown closer during this pandemic, and he is critical of you. What are you holding onto in your relationship? This pandemic has been able to expedite a lot of change for people, both good and bad. Take this as a blessing. You are now seeing that in the long term, you may not be compatible. That’s OK. You are allowed to walk away from a relationship that isn’t healthy. Of course not every day is sunshine and roses, but feeling depressed, demoralized and demeaned by your partner is no way to live. If you can afford to leave and have somewhere to go, just do it. Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t bringing out the best in you.  

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and her boyfriend just recently broke up.  They had been dating for about a year and had been having problems. Well, I have always had a crush on her boyfriend and yesterday he asked me out for “socially distant” coffee. Is this a date? Should I go? I want to be there for my friend, but I really like him.

—THINKING THIS THROUGH

DEAR THINKING THIS THROUGH: Isn’t this a clear violation of some girl code written somewhere? Let me sum it up for you. If my ex-boyfriend and my best friend started dating days or weeks after we broke up, I would end my relationship with her, too. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It may not seem like it because our worlds have shrunk due to COVID-19, but someday the world will open up again, and you will have opportunities to meet new people that your best friend hasn’t slept with first. Asking you out was callous and selfish on his part as well as showing a lack of good judgment. How do you know he isn’t doing this just to make your friend jealous? Imagine if you were in her shoes, how would you feel? She’s going through a hard time right now and needs your support. What she doesn’t need is you undermining your friendship by going out with her ex-boyfriend. Take a minute and really think this through before you make any choices that you can’t undo.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My ex-girlfriend invited me to her wedding. She broke up with me about a year ago and now she is already moving on with a new guy. I’ve known her and her family forever--we were together almost 8 years--and I feel really awful about not wanting to go. Should I go? I’m still not really over all of this. And, I don’t have a girlfriend right now, so should I go solo? —WEDDING WORRIES

DEAR WEDDING WORRIES: You absolutely should not go. You have no reason to put yourself in that position other than a desire for self-loathing. I think it was actually cruel of her to invite you so soon after you had broken up. It’s not like you’ve been apart for ten years or something. You only broke up a year ago and she moved on rather quickly. To expect you to show up is delusional on her part. I would decline, send her a small gift, and call it a day. Focus on what brings you contentment, what brings you peace and how you can create a bright future for yourself. 

DEAR NATALIE: I just found out the woman I am engaged to had an abortion when she was 22. We are both 29. She never told me this until recently and we have been together for more than two years. I really don’t know how I feel about it. I told her I have to think things over. What do you think? Should I stay with her even though I don’t approve of abortion? She said she waited until we got engaged to tell me because she didn’t want it to “cloud” my judgment of her. —THINKING THIS THROUGH

DEAR THINKING THIS THROUGH: Sounds as though she made a difficult choice at a certain point in her life. It’s very easy to sit there and debate in your mind what she “should” have done, but it wasn’t your choice to make and you weren’t in her shoes. The very fact that she was afraid to tell you makes me think that she was concerned you would judge her. Show her compassion instead of disapproval. Let go of your judgement and instead think about how brave she was to share her story with you. I’m sure there are many women out there who have never shared their abortion story with their significant other. They’ve had to hold that chapter of their lives in silence, tuck it away in a part of their heart, and silently work through it alone. If this is something you really can’t get beyond, end it now so that you don’t create a life together that is miserable for both of you. She deserves to be with someone who can respect her past while celebrating a hopeful future together. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci