DEAR NATALIE: I just found out the woman I am engaged to had an abortion when she was 22. We are both 29. She never told me this until recently and we have been together for more than two years. I really don’t know how I feel about it. I told her I have to think things over. What do you think? Should I stay with her even though I don’t approve of abortion? She said she waited until we got engaged to tell me because she didn’t want it to “cloud” my judgment of her. —THINKING THIS THROUGH

DEAR THINKING THIS THROUGH: Sounds as though she made a difficult choice at a certain point in her life. It’s very easy to sit there and debate in your mind what she “should” have done, but it wasn’t your choice to make and you weren’t in her shoes. The very fact that she was afraid to tell you makes me think that she was concerned you would judge her. Show her compassion instead of disapproval. Let go of your judgement and instead think about how brave she was to share her story with you. I’m sure there are many women out there who have never shared their abortion story with their significant other. They’ve had to hold that chapter of their lives in silence, tuck it away in a part of their heart, and silently work through it alone. If this is something you really can’t get beyond, end it now so that you don’t create a life together that is miserable for both of you. She deserves to be with someone who can respect her past while celebrating a hopeful future together. 

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-girlfriend invited me to her wedding. She broke up with me about a year ago and now she is already moving on with a new guy. I’ve known her and her family forever--we were together almost 8 years--and I feel really awful about not wanting to go. Should I go? I’m still not really over all of this. And, I don’t have a girlfriend right now, so should I go solo? —WEDDING WORRIES

DEAR WEDDING WORRIES: You absolutely should not go. You have no reason to put yourself in that position other than a desire for self-loathing. I think it was actually cruel of her to invite you so soon after you had broken up. It’s not like you’ve been apart for ten years or something. You only broke up a year ago and she moved on rather quickly. To expect you to show up is delusional on her part. I would decline, send her a small gift, and call it a day. Focus on what brings you contentment, what brings you peace and how you can create a bright future for yourself. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been trying to break up with this guy for weeks. Every time I go to tell him that I am unhappy in our relationship--mostly because he is cranky, critical and depressing to be around--something seems to get in the way. For example, I tried breaking up with him a few weeks ago, but his dog had to be put down. He was a wreck. I felt bad, so I didn’t want to make anything worse. Then, I tried a few days ago, but his best friend tested positive for COVID-19, and he was upset about that. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just find a good time to end it? I need advice! —CAN’T WALK AWAY

DEAR CAN’T WALK AWAY: There is never a “good” time to end a relationship. Relationships are messy and as complicated as the people in them. The longer you put this off, the worse it is going to be for everyone involved. You just need to tell him exactly how you feel. Rip it off like a Band-aid.  It may sound harsh, but you aren’t being kind by delaying the inevitable and giving him a false sense of security in the relationship. But, if you find yourself hesitating time and time again, ask yourself why? Do you have a hard time with confrontation? Do you have mixed feelings about breaking things off? What is your reasoning for holding onto this person that you clearly don’t like? Sometimes we stay in situations that are unhealthy because we think it is all we deserve. Sometimes we stay because it’s easier than leaving and starting over. Sometimes we stay because it will be a struggle financially or otherwise. Whatever your reason, examine it. Sit with it. And when you are ready, come to a decision and follow through. You are in charge of your life, so put yourself back in the driver’s seat. 

DEAR NATALIE: Monogamy is really hard for me. I have been married for years and have been cheating the whole time. She doesn’t have a clue and the guilt gets worse and worse as every year goes by. I love her and don’t want to leave her or our children, but I don’t know what else to do.  Should I just continue living a lie? —GUILTY

DEAR GUILTY: I don’t understand what it means when you say, “Monogamy is really hard for me.” Assuming she didn’t blackmail you into this marriage, it was  your choice to be with her, to stand in front of people, to take those vows. If you weren’t feeling that, why did you do it? Now you are in quite the predicament. Even if you stopped cheating on her and never did it again, could you live with the guilt of your past choices? If you don’t stop cheating, what does that say about how you feel about yourself or your marriage? Monogamy is great if both people want it. But it isn’t fair to your partner that you are lying to her. What if you brought home an STD? What if you were to get someone else pregnant? Then what will you do? Our actions have consequences. I recommend that you seek counseling for yourself to understand your behavior and to come up with a plan. I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship, so I don’t think it is as simple as, “Tell her the truth tonight!” That could actually cause more harm. Just because you want to get this off your chest because you feel badly about it, doesn’t mean that’s the best thing to do. It’s still a selfish approach. Stop cheating, get into therapy and work on a plan from that point. Anything less is just lip service.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

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DEAR NATALIE: My daughter just recently came out to me. She is 16-years-old and told me that she knew she was “different” since she was a little kid. I am totally accepting of this, but I worry that her father (my ex-husband) won’t be as accepting of having a daughter who identifies as a lesbian. He is a pastor of a large congregation and I am concerned that he will reject her. She doesn’t want me to “out” her to him until she is out of high school. I don’t feel right about this, though. I don’t like to keep secrets, but I don’t want to appear disloyal to my daughter. What should I do? —CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Think of it this way, it isn’t a “secret.” It just isn’t your story to tell. She shared this information with you in confidence and to betray that would really hurt your relationship on a deep level. Her father sounds intolerant and I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to share her personal business with him. He’s losing out in this situation, not getting to know his daughter for who she truly is. But that’s on him. Maybe someday he will come around to learn that love is an action word. It’s sad, but it is not up to you to decide who learns this information. Just continue to be supportive of your daughter, love her for who she is and stand next to her in the fight against bigotry and discrimination. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My sister is getting married and our mother is not invited. She has a bad drinking problem and my sister is afraid that if she comes she will embarrass everyone, including herself. She doesn't want to deal with this on her wedding day. My mother is incredibly hurt and now they aren't speaking to each other. I think if she doesn't invite our mom, she will regret it. What do you think she should do? —FAMILY FIRST  

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: This is a really tricky situation because the disease of addiction hurts in so many ways. I feel sad for your sister, for your mother and for you. The question that came to my mind is: “Could there be a compromise reached?” Maybe mom comes for the ceremony but doesn’t stay for the reception if there is going to be alcohol. I doubt your sister will want to have a “dry” wedding, but that is another option. If your sister doesn’t want to do either of these things, this may be a moment where your mom starts to make some decisions about the direction of her future as it pertains to how her family is relating to her. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to hit a bottom before we can decide to try things a different way. Maybe this is your mom’s moment to reevaluate. If she is willing to go to rehab or find a program to help and support her, perhaps that will be the olive branch that could change your sister’s heart around this. I agree that there are a lot of regrets in this situation, but unfortunately, this is a path your sister and mom have to walk and you may not be able to follow. Just be there to love them both and continue to look at this situation through the lens of compassion.