DEAR NATALIE: My husband told me that he is no longer in love with me. He has been seeing someone else. This whole time I thought he was going to “work” during this Covid-19 nightmare, he was actually spending time with her. His job had laid him off weeks ago and he didn’t even tell me. We’ve been married for four years and while things haven’t always been easy, I had no idea he was doing this to me. What really hurts is that he was exposing himself, myself and our young son to Covid because of this. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I still love him and want to figure this out. He just said that I am “boring” and that this new girlfriend is “more fun.” The affair started just a few months ago. They met on Instagram. I feel so betrayed and hurt. My religious upbringing also weighs on me because divorce really isn’t an option, but he wants one. What should I do? How can I ever trust anyone ever again? — BROKEN

DEAR BROKEN: There is so much to unpack here. A betrayal of the heart is one of the worst pains to go through, and during such an incredibly uncertain time in our history, I’m sure it weighs on you heavily for many reasons. Unfortunately, if your husband has no interest in working through this, I don’t know what other option you have other than a divorce. While you mentioned that your religious community frowns on divorce, they aren’t walking in your shoes. Why should you have to suffer when you can start fresh? This is 2020 and you don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage for anyone. The fact that he lied to you about losing his job to spend time with this other person is also just deeply disturbing to me.  I would start exploring your legal options with a divorce attorney. I would also tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live during this time. We have no idea how careful his new partner is being while out in the community, and we have no idea who the two of them have also been around during this time. Amidst all of this stress and sadness, I hope you can take a moment to yourself to reflect on what it is you want moving forward. Of course you feel betrayed. Of course you feel as though you can’t trust again. These are totally normal reactions to what has happened. I would take this time to reevaluate what you want moving forward. When you are ready, therapy may help you put the pieces back together as you find a new normal. I know it’s hard to hear, but letting him go may be the best thing that could happen to you. Maybe he did you a favor. Who wants to be with someone so callous, cold and selfish, anyway? Find support around you and move forward with your head high. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I am a single father and recently met someone online that I really like. She is also a single mother and our daughters are around the same age. Hers is 13, mine is 11. She’s been really wanting to have the girls get together. My daughter has a lot of anxiety right now, and the idea of being around someone she doesn’t know is making her more anxious because of Covid-19. My ex-wife doesn’t want her to be exposed to any new kids, either, but my girlfriend thinks it is time they meet. What do you think? With school starting up again--theoretically--in a few weeks, I really don’t see what it matters if she meets one more kid. Plus, we are all taking precautions. Thoughts? — COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING

DEAR COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING: Take things slowly. You said that you “recently met” someone online. Why do your kids need to meet yet, anyway? Even in “normal” circumstances, I always encourage people with children to take their time introducing them to new partners. Kids get attached. They watch every move you make when it comes to relationships and they internalize the good, the bad and everything in between. It seems to me that your new girlfriend is trying to rush the timeline. Maybe she is expecting you to commit quickly to her. Listen to the person that this will impact the most: Your daughter. She has already voiced her hesitation. Why put more anxiety on her than you need to at this point? Let her decide the pace and support her sense of personal agency to make decisions that impact her own body. She doesn’t owe your girlfriend anything. When she feels ready, and if your relationship is on solid ground, then make an introduction. It is also important that you take your ex-wife’s opinion on this matter seriously, too. This impacts your whole family and with Covid-19 rippling through communities, it is so wrong to err on the side of caution?

DEAR NATALIE: I gave my friends a lot of passes during the last election. But at this point, I’m having a hard time with a few of them and their clearly racist viewpoints. Talking about “America first” or “those people” is really starting to grind on me. I feel a lot of guilt because I have been trying to educate myself to learn more about Black issues, in particular. I think some of my friends are finding me to be a bit much these days. I just feel like I’m getting to a point where I don’t know where to go with some of these relationships. One of the women in my life has been a friend of mine for 20 years. We have gone through so much together, but because of her racist views, I am feeling this disconnect. I don’t know how to bridge it. I never really noticed it before I started educating myself. She says that I’m being a “snowflake” about all this “political correctness.” Recently, she invited me to her son’s birthday party. She hasn’t been observing social distancing or wearing masks as she should be, and so I am very hesitant to be around her. But if I don’t go, I feel like this could be the end of our friendship. What do I do? — FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART

DEAR FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART: There is no rule that says that just because you have been friends for a long time means that you will always be friends. Relationships ebb and flow because people change. You are both at different points in your lives than when you met 20 years ago. It seems like you are embracing very different value systems now at this stage of your lives. There’s a difference between being friends with someone who doesn’t like the same things as you--like movie genres, for example--and friends who are committed to upholding systems that are literally killing people. Do not feel guilty that your self-education has made you more empathic to other people’s struggles. If she decides to read or listen or seek out new experiences that deepen her connection to the greater humanity, that’s great. Keep in mind, you don’t have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Setting boundaries will give you back your sense of personal agency in the relationship. If she can’t practice social distancing or wear a mask or recognize that now may not be the best time for a party, that’s on her. Let her walk that road a little more alone and see what happens. Maybe she needs to feel the consequences of her own choices, too. Human rights are just not up for debate like rom-coms.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé is obsessed with me getting older. I’m 32, he’s 39. He is constantly dropping hints that maybe I should try Botox or some other non-invasive procedure to make my skin look “younger”. Now granted, he is a plastic surgeon, so I know this is what he does all day, but it is starting to make me feel really insecure and unhappy. We have had arguments about this, and I just don’t know what to do? Also, because of Covid-19, I’m barely leaving our house because I work from home. Not wearing make-up has been really liberating for me. It makes me kind of sad that he just doesn’t like me physically enough as I am. Should I do these treatments like he recommends to save the relationship? It really is that bad. — ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES

DEAR ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES: Society puts enough pressure on women, in particular, to look a certain way and our lovers are supposed to be the ones in our lives who lift us up, not tear us down. What your fiance is doing is symptomatic of the patriarchal system that harms everyone.  He may also be obsessed with the aging process because he is approaching the big 4-0 and may be projecting his own internalized insecurities about getting older onto you. If you had approached him and wanted his opinion about what treatments you could do, that would be one thing. But the fact that he keeps bringing up this issue shows that he is a very superficial person. Is this someone you want to spend your life with? If you want to try Botox, that’s fine. If you want to never touch your face, that’s fine too. It’s about what you want, how you want to feel, and if he is manipulating you into thinking you need to look or be a certain way to appease his own ego, I would reconsider the relationship. If he can’t stop criticizing your appearance at 32, how will he accept you at 52? Or 72? You have to look in the mirror everyday and feel good about you, and having your partner judging you is no way to live. Call it out. This is 2020. People are speaking out more about body inclusivity, about aging with self-compassion, about radical self love. I recommend you read, “The Body Is Not An Apology,” by Sonya Renee Taylor. Tell him that his words are harmful, hurtful and not the words of someone who loves you.  Life is way too short to be bullied and pushed around by someone that is supposed to be your lover. His behavior is anything but loving and, my darling, you deserve so much better for yourself.

DEAR NATALIE: I have a longtime friend, “Jane,” who has been very open about her mental health issues and I have always listened and supported her and her progress.  She’s always working on boundaries to promote a higher level of happiness for herself.  We have been friends for over 20 years and have been there for each other for all major life events. My problem is that over the years she is occasionally sharp with me and sometimes says things that hurt me.  She never apologizes, and always has some reason, like stress at home, etc.  We are part of a group of about five other friends who are all close. My other friends have noticed these incidences over the years.  One friend even suggested that she’s more comfortable with me and therefore feels she can be more direct or assertive with me.  When these occurrences have happened, they really hurt.  I’m a believer in apologizing and working things out, and in this instance, I have to always internally forgive her and move on even though it bothers me.  She doesn’t ever act this way around our other friends, and they all give her a pass when it happens to me because of her mental health struggles.  I guess I have been giving her a pass because of them, too. Recently, she blasted me in a group text essentially because I made a very innocent joke about fingernail polish after she brought the subject up.  She took it personally, and while it wasn’t meant to be a personal attack in the least, she said I “shamed” her.  She used to joke about these things before, but now it seems as though she is flexing new boundaries on subject matter that no one was aware of.  My friends texted me separately to say how sorry they were that she responded to me so harshly.  I was very embarrassed. I have traveled the world with her, sent her care packages when she’s been sad, shown up for important things, and done everything I can to be the best friend I can to her.  Now I haven’t said anything in the group text for two weeks and she’s carrying on as if nothing happened. It really hurts.  I want to respect her boundaries but it’s starting to feel like she has so many she is humorless and has walled herself in. I want to keep all of my friendships but this is getting really hard to do.  I hate putting anyone in an awkward place with my predicament as well. What should I do? — HURT TOO OFTEN DEAR HURT TOO OFTEN: I’m hearing a lot about her needs, her mental health, her perspective. What I am not really hearing about is you. You are allowed to also have boundaries. You are allowed to forgive her as well as a step back from her. Mental health issues do not give people the right to be mean and then not apologize. Her unkind behavior is not to be excused by her mental health. Just because you are close to her does not give her the right to dump all over you whenever she feels like it and then expect you to just suck it up. It sounds to me like you and your friends are a little bit afraid of her and that’s why no one stands up to her. They don’t want to be on the receiving end of her wrath. You are allowed to extricate yourself from this toxic friendship while still being there for her. You are allowed to say to her the next time she is mean to you: “That hurt my feelings and I need you to acknowledge it and apologize for it if we are going to continue as friends.” Friends hurt each other from time to time. It happens. But without repairing the damage, resentment builds over time. If you don’t want to become bitter about your relationship, I suggest you start standing up for your own needs. You are also allowed to have relationships with your other friends independent of her or the group. It doesn’t always have to be about her and it shouldn’t be. Relationships are a two-way street and if she can’t acknowledge that, I guess the question remains: What is your friendship really about?

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has the worst taste in men. Every time she meets a guy, she throws herself head first into a relationship that is usually doomed from the start. Well, the other day, she met another “Mr. Perfect” online--who happens to be “separated” from his wife...yeah, right--and she wanted my opinion. I told her I thought it was going to be another dating disaster and now she is pissed off. What was I supposed to say? I can’t take her craziness! — WAS I WRONG THOUGH

DEAR WAS I WRONG THOUGH: We can all reach that point of no return with our friends where there is only so much you can take. Here she is, entering yet another relationship that definitely seems doomed from the start...because, who are we kidding? Married people rarely leave their spouses, and yet she wants you to coddle her and lie to her about how she is making a terrific choice. Instead, you laid it out for her and told her the truth.

 Unfortunately, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wants a relationship enabler. But what she really needs is a reality check. If she really wanted to fall in love and settle down with “The One”, it’s usually best to start with someone who isn’t already “The One” to somebody else.

But here you are. And the truth is, after you said it once, there’s no point in hammering her about this situation. She knows how you feel. Call her. Apologize for the way you stated your opinion. Explain to her that you love her and want the best for her and that you were just shocked by her news. Let her know that you are there for her, and you just want her to be happy. If she is still cold or angry with you, let her be. Give her some time. Sounds like she is a needy person and will come back around to you quicker than you will expect. She may even accept your apology and want your advice and counsel. Maybe. You can be her friend, but you aren’t her therapist. Your job is to be supportive, not to be a proverbial punching bag. It may be best to take a step back from her for a while and just let everything cool down so that you can continue to support her in a way that is healthy and constructive for you both.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci