DEAR NATALIE: I gave my friends a lot of passes during the last election. But at this point, I’m having a hard time with a few of them and their clearly racist viewpoints. Talking about “America first” or “those people” is really starting to grind on me. I feel a lot of guilt because I have been trying to educate myself to learn more about Black issues, in particular. I think some of my friends are finding me to be a bit much these days. I just feel like I’m getting to a point where I don’t know where to go with some of these relationships. One of the women in my life has been a friend of mine for 20 years. We have gone through so much together, but because of her racist views, I am feeling this disconnect. I don’t know how to bridge it. I never really noticed it before I started educating myself. She says that I’m being a “snowflake” about all this “political correctness.” Recently, she invited me to her son’s birthday party. She hasn’t been observing social distancing or wearing masks as she should be, and so I am very hesitant to be around her. But if I don’t go, I feel like this could be the end of our friendship. What do I do? — FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART

DEAR FRIENDSHIP FALLING APART: There is no rule that says that just because you have been friends for a long time means that you will always be friends. Relationships ebb and flow because people change. You are both at different points in your lives than when you met 20 years ago. It seems like you are embracing very different value systems now at this stage of your lives. There’s a difference between being friends with someone who doesn’t like the same things as you--like movie genres, for example--and friends who are committed to upholding systems that are literally killing people. Do not feel guilty that your self-education has made you more empathic to other people’s struggles. If she decides to read or listen or seek out new experiences that deepen her connection to the greater humanity, that’s great. Keep in mind, you don’t have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Setting boundaries will give you back your sense of personal agency in the relationship. If she can’t practice social distancing or wear a mask or recognize that now may not be the best time for a party, that’s on her. Let her walk that road a little more alone and see what happens. Maybe she needs to feel the consequences of her own choices, too. Human rights are just not up for debate like rom-coms.

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé is obsessed with me getting older. I’m 32, he’s 39. He is constantly dropping hints that maybe I should try Botox or some other non-invasive procedure to make my skin look “younger”. Now granted, he is a plastic surgeon, so I know this is what he does all day, but it is starting to make me feel really insecure and unhappy. We have had arguments about this, and I just don’t know what to do? Also, because of Covid-19, I’m barely leaving our house because I work from home. Not wearing make-up has been really liberating for me. It makes me kind of sad that he just doesn’t like me physically enough as I am. Should I do these treatments like he recommends to save the relationship? It really is that bad. — ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES

DEAR ANTI-AGING NIGHTMARES: Society puts enough pressure on women, in particular, to look a certain way and our lovers are supposed to be the ones in our lives who lift us up, not tear us down. What your fiance is doing is symptomatic of the patriarchal system that harms everyone.  He may also be obsessed with the aging process because he is approaching the big 4-0 and may be projecting his own internalized insecurities about getting older onto you. If you had approached him and wanted his opinion about what treatments you could do, that would be one thing. But the fact that he keeps bringing up this issue shows that he is a very superficial person. Is this someone you want to spend your life with? If you want to try Botox, that’s fine. If you want to never touch your face, that’s fine too. It’s about what you want, how you want to feel, and if he is manipulating you into thinking you need to look or be a certain way to appease his own ego, I would reconsider the relationship. If he can’t stop criticizing your appearance at 32, how will he accept you at 52? Or 72? You have to look in the mirror everyday and feel good about you, and having your partner judging you is no way to live. Call it out. This is 2020. People are speaking out more about body inclusivity, about aging with self-compassion, about radical self love. I recommend you read, “The Body Is Not An Apology,” by Sonya Renee Taylor. Tell him that his words are harmful, hurtful and not the words of someone who loves you.  Life is way too short to be bullied and pushed around by someone that is supposed to be your lover. His behavior is anything but loving and, my darling, you deserve so much better for yourself.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I have a longtime friend, “Jane,” who has been very open about her mental health issues and I have always listened and supported her and her progress.  She’s always working on boundaries to promote a higher level of happiness for herself.  We have been friends for over 20 years and have been there for each other for all major life events. My problem is that over the years she is occasionally sharp with me and sometimes says things that hurt me.  She never apologizes, and always has some reason, like stress at home, etc.  We are part of a group of about five other friends who are all close. My other friends have noticed these incidences over the years.  One friend even suggested that she’s more comfortable with me and therefore feels she can be more direct or assertive with me.  When these occurrences have happened, they really hurt.  I’m a believer in apologizing and working things out, and in this instance, I have to always internally forgive her and move on even though it bothers me.  She doesn’t ever act this way around our other friends, and they all give her a pass when it happens to me because of her mental health struggles.  I guess I have been giving her a pass because of them, too. Recently, she blasted me in a group text essentially because I made a very innocent joke about fingernail polish after she brought the subject up.  She took it personally, and while it wasn’t meant to be a personal attack in the least, she said I “shamed” her.  She used to joke about these things before, but now it seems as though she is flexing new boundaries on subject matter that no one was aware of.  My friends texted me separately to say how sorry they were that she responded to me so harshly.  I was very embarrassed. I have traveled the world with her, sent her care packages when she’s been sad, shown up for important things, and done everything I can to be the best friend I can to her.  Now I haven’t said anything in the group text for two weeks and she’s carrying on as if nothing happened. It really hurts.  I want to respect her boundaries but it’s starting to feel like she has so many she is humorless and has walled herself in. I want to keep all of my friendships but this is getting really hard to do.  I hate putting anyone in an awkward place with my predicament as well. What should I do? — HURT TOO OFTEN DEAR HURT TOO OFTEN: I’m hearing a lot about her needs, her mental health, her perspective. What I am not really hearing about is you. You are allowed to also have boundaries. You are allowed to forgive her as well as a step back from her. Mental health issues do not give people the right to be mean and then not apologize. Her unkind behavior is not to be excused by her mental health. Just because you are close to her does not give her the right to dump all over you whenever she feels like it and then expect you to just suck it up. It sounds to me like you and your friends are a little bit afraid of her and that’s why no one stands up to her. They don’t want to be on the receiving end of her wrath. You are allowed to extricate yourself from this toxic friendship while still being there for her. You are allowed to say to her the next time she is mean to you: “That hurt my feelings and I need you to acknowledge it and apologize for it if we are going to continue as friends.” Friends hurt each other from time to time. It happens. But without repairing the damage, resentment builds over time. If you don’t want to become bitter about your relationship, I suggest you start standing up for your own needs. You are also allowed to have relationships with your other friends independent of her or the group. It doesn’t always have to be about her and it shouldn’t be. Relationships are a two-way street and if she can’t acknowledge that, I guess the question remains: What is your friendship really about?

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has the worst taste in men. Every time she meets a guy, she throws herself head first into a relationship that is usually doomed from the start. Well, the other day, she met another “Mr. Perfect” online--who happens to be “separated” from his wife...yeah, right--and she wanted my opinion. I told her I thought it was going to be another dating disaster and now she is pissed off. What was I supposed to say? I can’t take her craziness! — WAS I WRONG THOUGH

DEAR WAS I WRONG THOUGH: We can all reach that point of no return with our friends where there is only so much you can take. Here she is, entering yet another relationship that definitely seems doomed from the start...because, who are we kidding? Married people rarely leave their spouses, and yet she wants you to coddle her and lie to her about how she is making a terrific choice. Instead, you laid it out for her and told her the truth.

 Unfortunately, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wants a relationship enabler. But what she really needs is a reality check. If she really wanted to fall in love and settle down with “The One”, it’s usually best to start with someone who isn’t already “The One” to somebody else.

But here you are. And the truth is, after you said it once, there’s no point in hammering her about this situation. She knows how you feel. Call her. Apologize for the way you stated your opinion. Explain to her that you love her and want the best for her and that you were just shocked by her news. Let her know that you are there for her, and you just want her to be happy. If she is still cold or angry with you, let her be. Give her some time. Sounds like she is a needy person and will come back around to you quicker than you will expect. She may even accept your apology and want your advice and counsel. Maybe. You can be her friend, but you aren’t her therapist. Your job is to be supportive, not to be a proverbial punching bag. It may be best to take a step back from her for a while and just let everything cool down so that you can continue to support her in a way that is healthy and constructive for you both.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My question is about career advancement in the era of Covid-19. Job interviews are being conducted online and with that comes a new set of challenges for prospective employees. I've recently been encountering pre-screen interviews that require applicants to record on-the-spot responses to questions in an allotted period of time in order to successfully advance to an interview with an actual company rep. Do you have any advice on the best approach to a two-minute "elevator pitch" response to the "tell us about yourself" question in 120 seconds that might make the best impression on a hiring manager? — READY FOR EMPLOYMENT

DEAR READY FOR EMPLOYMENT: I would tackle this in two ways. First I would focus on your presentation of self. People want to work with people that they like. In these unusual times, you aren’t able to give them the best sense of your personality over a video, so make sure you practice in front of a mirror--or better yet--record yourself on your phone to see how you look and act on camera. Are you fidgeting? Tripping over your words? Are your shoulders hunched? Did you smile at all? Depending on the nature of the company will decide how conservative or friendly you may want to be on film, but I would take a look at all the little things that you do. You want to work towards looking comfortable, engaged, confident and authentic. Shoulders back, smile, dress in bold solid colors. Blue is always a good choice. Simple hair and makeup. After you feel as though your body language reads confident and friendly, focus on what you want to say. Two minutes is actually longer than you think. Write down three important points that you want to make about yourself and your background. Work on it. Record it. Practice it. Pretend you are interviewing yourself. What three questions would you want answered if you were the boss? Go from there. The more you work on your pitch, the easier it will be. Practice it on your friends or family or anyone else that is willing to listen. If you get the job, congratulations! But, if you don’t, ask the interviewer for feedback so that when you try again for another company, you have some concrete critiques to utilize and propel you forward. 

DEAR NATALIE: How do you ask your friends to wear masks when you go out together? I haven’t agreed to see anyone during this whole COVID-19 situation because I’m too uncomfortable to bring up the conversation around masks. I feel embarrassed that I am taking this so seriously and my other friends don’t seem to be. I want to be with them, but I’m also concerned for the safety of my family and myself. How can I approach this without feeling so awkward? — MASK ON

DEAR MASK ON: I have been reading a lot of differing opinions on the “best” way to talk to  people about wearing masks. I have come to this conclusion: Do not shame people or attack them. It doesn’t work. Our emotional bodies react defensively to that approach and from what I have been reading, it can actually make them double-down. Instead, focus on yourself. Approach them with “I” statements. For example, “I would love to see you. Would you like to meet out in a park for a walk? I will be wearing a mask and I would really appreciate it if you would wear one, too. It’s safer for all of us and would give me serious peace of mind.” If they are your friends, I don’t really see what they could say to reject that. If they say, “I don’t have a mask,” offer to bring them one. If they say, “it’s my right to not wear one,” try something like, “I acknowledge what you are saying, but I hope you will respect me and our friendship. It’s really important to me that we both wear them when we are together. If you don’t want to, let’s just Zoom, instead.” This way, you can still engage, but you are setting clear boundaries and expectations of what your needs are in person. I understand why you might feel embarrassed to ask. I know it is an awkward conversation because many people are not taking this pandemic seriously. But it is your right to put the health and safety of your family and your community ahead of those who won’t wear masks. Stay strong, be firm and remember if they really are your friends, they will treat you with respect and understanding, too. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci