DEAR NATALIE: My husband tells me I should “expand my social media horizons” because I only friend people who are like-minded politically. I tried to explain to him that I just don’t want to see anyone’s crap on my feed that will irritate me and that I use social media to connect with friends. He told me that I am being “small minded.” And no, my husband and I do not agree on anything politically. Do you agree with him or with me? — STAY OFF MY FEED

DEAR STAY OFF MY FEED: I can see your perspective. You want to use your time online to connect with friends. This is what many people use social for. Your husband believes that social media should be used as a way to learn about new ideas and examine your own. If this was a few years ago, I would say just enjoy social media for what it is. But now, because of the social justice movements happening, the questioning of value systems, the information being shared about Covid-19, I don’t think it is responsible for me to support you living in an online bubble. We have gotten to a place of such divisiveness in this country in part because we have created little worlds for ourselves. Enjoy your time online with friends. No one is trying to take that from you. But in the meantime, maybe just follow some people who think differently than you or have different experiences. Who knows? You may learn something new. If not about them, perhaps about yourself and how you react to and engage with the world around you. 

DEAR NATALIE: My mother is in her mid 40s.  She has been dating this guy who is eight years younger than her, and he wants to have a baby with her. My brother and I are in our twenties and we can’t believe she is even entertaining the idea of having another baby. Should I tell her that I think this is a stupid idea? I know she has empty nest syndrome, but come on! — ALL GROWN UP

DEAR ALL GROWN UP: I don’t really think it is your place to tell her if she should have another baby. Instead, maybe you should ask yourself why this is bothering you so much? If your mom is still able to have one and wants to have one, why shouldn’t she? How would you feel if you had a daughter and she told you what you should do with your body? I wonder if there is another reason you aren’t comfortable with her doing this. Do you worry that she will have this “second life” and brush you aside? It’s OK if you feel a little jealous about the idea. Sit with whatever you are feeling and examine it before you say something to your mother that could hurt her or that you will regret. Plenty of women are having children later in life and that doesn’t make it a “stupid” idea. You should sit down with her and have a real conversation about the possibility of having a new sibling in your life. Ask her what her hopes are for the relationship and future. She would appreciate a heart-to-heart with you, and it may allow you both to open up. Look at this as a new opportunity to get closer. Your mother may need you more than ever. Try to think of the fun it could be to have a much younger sibling that you can shower with love and attention.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE:I left my husband for another man last year and I now realize that I made a huge mistake. My husband and I had been married for 21 years and things had been rocky for a while. Between the two kids, our careers, and meddling families, we drifted apart...and I found comfort in a co-worker named “Tim”. Well, Tim convinced me that I should leave my husband and move in with him. So, I did. Our kids are 18 and 20 and I felt that now was my time to experience romance and passion in my life. But, after living with Tim, I realized how good my life was. I want it back. The problem is my husband is devastated that I left him and I don’t know if he will take me back. We aren’t technically divorced yet, just separated. We had one phone conversation about it and he told me, “You made your bed.” What should I do? — GRASS AIN’T GREENER

DEAR GRASS AIN’T GREENER: Does Tim know that you want to leave him to go back to your husband? Does your husband even want you back? As much as it may hurt, we have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you are unhappy with Tim, then you should leave him. But be prepared that your husband may never want you back. Maybe being alone for a while is best so that you can really figure out who you are and what you want out of the rest of your life. Are you prepared to live alone without either of them? What caused this sudden remorse over your marriage? It sounds like a lot of these decisions were made impulsively. I would sit with these questions and reflect before you make any more decisions surrounding your marriage. You may want to try therapy and dissect what caused you to leave. Was it really about Tim? Or was it the “passion and romance” that you wanted to feel from your husband? I would really dig into that. If you do want your husband back, how can he trust you? It may take work to rebuild any foundation at all and that’s only if he is willing. The hope in all of this is that he didn’t file for divorce yet. Perhaps that is a sign that there could be some love for you still. Remember, though, your husband is under no obligation to take you back and you can’t expect him to do so. You betrayed that trust and your vows. Be prepared for a long road.

DEAR NATALIE: I have a 17-year-old daughter and I recently found birth control pills in her purse. I haven’t told her that I know, but I am really hurt that she is having sex behind my back. I know she has a boyfriend, and I always liked him, but now I’m not so sure. During Covid-19, he has been someone that we allowed her to continue seeing since his family is very responsible like ours about wearing masks and social distancing. Well clearly, they aren’t distancing from one another. We always talked about abstinence in my house. I am worried for her and feel as though I should bring this up and let her know that I know her secret. What are your thoughts? I am worried that she is heading down the wrong path. — WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Teenagers have sex. This is just something we all need to accept and recognize as fact. Not all, of course, but many. The good news is that she is being responsible about it by proactively going on the pill. She probably didn’t feel comfortable having that conversation with you because (naturally!) teens don’t always want to talk to their parents about sex. Since the conversation in your home revolved around abstinence, she probably assumed you would judge her. Are you judging her? “Going down the wrong road” is a strong statement and I would refrain from using that when you discuss sex with her because it implies shame. Whatever shame you have around sex, please don’t project it onto her. Instead, think about why you said that and what it is about sex that makes you feel that way? It can be hard to watch our children grow into adults. It can be hard when they choose a different path and we can’t control them. It can be challenging to accept them where they are as they are. But your job as a mother is to arm her with knowledge and confidence in herself so that she can enter the world feeling empowered to live life on her own terms and make healthy decisions. It is much more important that she learns about consent. Focus on what you can say to her that creates an environment for discussion. Do not attack her. Do not demean her. Do not treat her as though she has done something wrong. Admit that you found her pills and be prepared for her to be angry that you were in her purse. You didn’t mention why you looked in her purse. Did she ask you to bring her something from it or did you invade her privacy? Be careful with how you bring up the subject. She may not even be having sex yet. Perhaps she went to get pills for other reasons, like relieving menstrual cramps or acne. Maybe she’s thinking about having sex and wanted to be prepared. Approach her with love. There’s really no room for anything else.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I recently got married and living together has been harder than I thought that it would be. He is very type-A and likes everything to be clutter-free. He can’t stand it when I leave my clothes on the floor, and he doesn’t understand how I can leave dishes in the sink. It is really starting to get on my nerves, especially since Covid-19 hit and we’ve both been working from home. I find myself leaving my clothes around on purpose just to annoy him. I don’t want to be like this, but it feels like living with my dad! Help! — NOT A SLOB

DEAR NOT A SLOB: Ah, yes. The move-in. The little things that we find charming about one another before we live together become the things that start to annoy us as time goes by. Compound that with not having space from one another due to a global pandemic and you may start to wonder if divorce is around the corner. But fear not! 

Begin by stop being so passive aggressive. Leaving your clothing around to annoy him will only exacerbate your frustration with one another. It’s not only childish, but it is disrespectful. You have to learn how to compromise. By leaving clothes around when you know it bothers him says two things: 1. You don’t actively listen. 2. You don’t care about his feelings. All you need to do is put your clothes in a laundry basket at the end of the day. Dishes in the sink are a whole other source of contention between people. The fact that you are both at home a lot more means that you are likely generating a lot of dishes throughout the week. It can be exhausting to look at a sink full of dirty dishes and just not feel like dealing with them. And that’s OK. Work on a system where you come to an agreement on who does the dishes on which days. When it is your day, just do them. These little things seem so trivial, but they can really create major resentments down the road. Running a home is more than just being in love and eating dinner together. It really comes down to understanding each other’s needs, understanding each other’s perspectives, and both working towards finding a balance where he isn’t nagging you and you stop feeling like you are living with your dad. Good luck!

DEAR NATALIE:  Do you think that it is wrong for your boyfriend to be on social media and tell other girls that he broke up with you, but then he says it's just for fun? We haven’t been able to see each other as much as we would like because of Covid-19. But when we are together, I find texts from other women. Do you think he is cheating? What should I do? — INTERNET CHEAT

DEAR INTERNET CHEAT:  This is a situation where you must listen to your intuition. The fact that you have emailed me clearly suggests that you may know the answer to this in your gut. Covid-19 has been hard on a lot of people’s relationships, but that doesn’t give him a pass for lying to you. Regardless of whether or not he is meeting with these other women, the boundaries you have set have been crossed by his behavior. You have two choices. You can either try to work through this and find a way forward or you dump him. If this were me, I would really hesitate continuing the relationship because he has already shown you who he is. We need people in our lives who uplift us and support us, especially during the tough times. The fact that he was so ready to engage with other women indicates that he doesn’t respect you or the relationship. No one can make this decision for you, but think hard about settling for anyone who is so callous towards you. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Right now, starting an e-introduction with “How are you?” may be too much of a loaded question for people at this moment. Instead: “I’m just sending a little note hoping you are well…” might take the pressure off and allow you to segue into your email in a way that is thoughtful but not triggering.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci