DEAR NATALIE:I left my husband for another man last year and I now realize that I made a huge mistake. My husband and I had been married for 21 years and things had been rocky for a while. Between the two kids, our careers, and meddling families, we drifted apart...and I found comfort in a co-worker named “Tim”. Well, Tim convinced me that I should leave my husband and move in with him. So, I did. Our kids are 18 and 20 and I felt that now was my time to experience romance and passion in my life. But, after living with Tim, I realized how good my life was. I want it back. The problem is my husband is devastated that I left him and I don’t know if he will take me back. We aren’t technically divorced yet, just separated. We had one phone conversation about it and he told me, “You made your bed.” What should I do? — GRASS AIN’T GREENER

DEAR GRASS AIN’T GREENER: Does Tim know that you want to leave him to go back to your husband? Does your husband even want you back? As much as it may hurt, we have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you are unhappy with Tim, then you should leave him. But be prepared that your husband may never want you back. Maybe being alone for a while is best so that you can really figure out who you are and what you want out of the rest of your life. Are you prepared to live alone without either of them? What caused this sudden remorse over your marriage? It sounds like a lot of these decisions were made impulsively. I would sit with these questions and reflect before you make any more decisions surrounding your marriage. You may want to try therapy and dissect what caused you to leave. Was it really about Tim? Or was it the “passion and romance” that you wanted to feel from your husband? I would really dig into that. If you do want your husband back, how can he trust you? It may take work to rebuild any foundation at all and that’s only if he is willing. The hope in all of this is that he didn’t file for divorce yet. Perhaps that is a sign that there could be some love for you still. Remember, though, your husband is under no obligation to take you back and you can’t expect him to do so. You betrayed that trust and your vows. Be prepared for a long road.

DEAR NATALIE: I have a 17-year-old daughter and I recently found birth control pills in her purse. I haven’t told her that I know, but I am really hurt that she is having sex behind my back. I know she has a boyfriend, and I always liked him, but now I’m not so sure. During Covid-19, he has been someone that we allowed her to continue seeing since his family is very responsible like ours about wearing masks and social distancing. Well clearly, they aren’t distancing from one another. We always talked about abstinence in my house. I am worried for her and feel as though I should bring this up and let her know that I know her secret. What are your thoughts? I am worried that she is heading down the wrong path. — WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Teenagers have sex. This is just something we all need to accept and recognize as fact. Not all, of course, but many. The good news is that she is being responsible about it by proactively going on the pill. She probably didn’t feel comfortable having that conversation with you because (naturally!) teens don’t always want to talk to their parents about sex. Since the conversation in your home revolved around abstinence, she probably assumed you would judge her. Are you judging her? “Going down the wrong road” is a strong statement and I would refrain from using that when you discuss sex with her because it implies shame. Whatever shame you have around sex, please don’t project it onto her. Instead, think about why you said that and what it is about sex that makes you feel that way? It can be hard to watch our children grow into adults. It can be hard when they choose a different path and we can’t control them. It can be challenging to accept them where they are as they are. But your job as a mother is to arm her with knowledge and confidence in herself so that she can enter the world feeling empowered to live life on her own terms and make healthy decisions. It is much more important that she learns about consent. Focus on what you can say to her that creates an environment for discussion. Do not attack her. Do not demean her. Do not treat her as though she has done something wrong. Admit that you found her pills and be prepared for her to be angry that you were in her purse. You didn’t mention why you looked in her purse. Did she ask you to bring her something from it or did you invade her privacy? Be careful with how you bring up the subject. She may not even be having sex yet. Perhaps she went to get pills for other reasons, like relieving menstrual cramps or acne. Maybe she’s thinking about having sex and wanted to be prepared. Approach her with love. There’s really no room for anything else.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I recently got married and living together has been harder than I thought that it would be. He is very type-A and likes everything to be clutter-free. He can’t stand it when I leave my clothes on the floor, and he doesn’t understand how I can leave dishes in the sink. It is really starting to get on my nerves, especially since Covid-19 hit and we’ve both been working from home. I find myself leaving my clothes around on purpose just to annoy him. I don’t want to be like this, but it feels like living with my dad! Help! — NOT A SLOB

DEAR NOT A SLOB: Ah, yes. The move-in. The little things that we find charming about one another before we live together become the things that start to annoy us as time goes by. Compound that with not having space from one another due to a global pandemic and you may start to wonder if divorce is around the corner. But fear not! 

Begin by stop being so passive aggressive. Leaving your clothing around to annoy him will only exacerbate your frustration with one another. It’s not only childish, but it is disrespectful. You have to learn how to compromise. By leaving clothes around when you know it bothers him says two things: 1. You don’t actively listen. 2. You don’t care about his feelings. All you need to do is put your clothes in a laundry basket at the end of the day. Dishes in the sink are a whole other source of contention between people. The fact that you are both at home a lot more means that you are likely generating a lot of dishes throughout the week. It can be exhausting to look at a sink full of dirty dishes and just not feel like dealing with them. And that’s OK. Work on a system where you come to an agreement on who does the dishes on which days. When it is your day, just do them. These little things seem so trivial, but they can really create major resentments down the road. Running a home is more than just being in love and eating dinner together. It really comes down to understanding each other’s needs, understanding each other’s perspectives, and both working towards finding a balance where he isn’t nagging you and you stop feeling like you are living with your dad. Good luck!

DEAR NATALIE:  Do you think that it is wrong for your boyfriend to be on social media and tell other girls that he broke up with you, but then he says it's just for fun? We haven’t been able to see each other as much as we would like because of Covid-19. But when we are together, I find texts from other women. Do you think he is cheating? What should I do? — INTERNET CHEAT

DEAR INTERNET CHEAT:  This is a situation where you must listen to your intuition. The fact that you have emailed me clearly suggests that you may know the answer to this in your gut. Covid-19 has been hard on a lot of people’s relationships, but that doesn’t give him a pass for lying to you. Regardless of whether or not he is meeting with these other women, the boundaries you have set have been crossed by his behavior. You have two choices. You can either try to work through this and find a way forward or you dump him. If this were me, I would really hesitate continuing the relationship because he has already shown you who he is. We need people in our lives who uplift us and support us, especially during the tough times. The fact that he was so ready to engage with other women indicates that he doesn’t respect you or the relationship. No one can make this decision for you, but think hard about settling for anyone who is so callous towards you. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Right now, starting an e-introduction with “How are you?” may be too much of a loaded question for people at this moment. Instead: “I’m just sending a little note hoping you are well…” might take the pressure off and allow you to segue into your email in a way that is thoughtful but not triggering.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: How do I explain to my family, who are Trump supporters, that Black Lives Matter does not exclude white people from anything? They repeatedly say, “all lives matter,” in response, which ends up snowballing into a big fight. I am the lone liberal in the family and often feel ostracized from conversations. Any suggestions on how to talk to them without starting an argument? I love my family, but this is becoming increasingly challenging. --TRYING HARD

DEAR TRYING HARD: Let me first start by acknowledging the importance of calling out the importance of having conversations with families surrounding race. Nothing can be done to shape the larger narrative more so than starting at home. I have heard a few ways in which to explain to people confused by the statement that “Black lives matter.” Here is how I look at it and explain it to friends or people who don’t understand. Imagine you are at a cafe. Everyone sits down to eat and everyone gets a plate of food except Jim. Jim says, “Hey where’s my plate? Doesn’t my plate matter?” Other people at the table say, “Jim, all plates matter.” Jim pauses, looks at everyone else eating while he sits there without a plate. “But my plate matters, too.” People roll their eyes and say, “We know Jim. All plates matter.” But at this moment, it’s Jim’s plate (or lack thereof) matters because he’s calling attention to not having a plate of food like everyone else. Another story I read that a pastor shared, if your family is religious, was about Jesus and his flock. He had one hundred sheep and one went missing. He went to look for that one sheep. People could say, “well all sheep matter,” but in that instance, the one sheep that was missing mattered and needed his attention. The truth of this boils down to the fact that white people have historically been centered in all narratives. So, when hearing “Black Lives Matter,” the reaction is defensive because they aren’t centered in that moment, which really underscores the point. If only they could recognize that their discomfort is a privilege because they have never had to feel the effects of such marginalization because of the color of their skin. But you can’t make them do the work or want to do the work. I applaud you in your efforts and I hope you continue to try to have these tough conversations with them and anyone else that speaks to the idea of “all lives matter.” That isn’t up for debate. But what is up for debate is why do some lives seem to matter more? That is the question that will take a lot of soul searching.  

DEAR NATALIE: My family comes from a long line of law enforcement. I am very concerned that with all of this nonsense surrounding “defunding police” that people will turn on my husband, who does his job well and without prejudice. He is white but doesn't see color. I don’t know how to engage my friends in conversations around police because they don’t understand what it is like to live with an officer. I worry about his safety every day. I worry about my son’s safety because he is also an officer. Listening to them talk about possibly eliminating their jobs or shrinking units makes me very angry. People have no idea how much they do. How do I discuss this issue with others, knowing so many are so closed off to understanding this perspective? — BLUE LIVES MATTER TOO

DEAR BLUE LIVES MATTER TOO: I need to first underscore the notion that there are “blue lives.” Being a police officer is a job. When your husband or son take off their uniforms, they are white men. Black people cannot change the color of their skin. This is not a fair comparison. I also want to note that “not seeing color” robs people of their full humanity. This isn’t about being blind to people’s experiences. It is dehumanizing when we speak that way and I challenge you to reflect on that. I can understand your fear of your son or husband. But I respectfully request you to think about how Black or brown families must feel talking to their children about race, about policing and police brutality. How does this impact their neighborhoods, lives and experiences? When people discuss defunding police, what they really are talking about is reallocating and providing more resources to communities to reduce the need for police. If this does impact their jobs, I wonder if there will be other ways for them to support communities. This is heavy. It’s deep. It’s layered. I do not wish to diminish your anxiety. It is valid. I just hope that you can recognize the constant anxiety and fear that communities feel surrounding this topic and why there needs to be conversations around rethinking and reshaping our police forces. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: I encourage you to pace yourselves. Social media can create anxiety, and right now with everything going on in the world, it can be overwhelming to be online. Take time out every day to put your phone down or close your computer and do something else. Read. Take a walk. Watch a funny show. Exercise. Mediate. Reconnect with yourself. Remember, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci