DEAR NATALIE: How do I explain to my family, who are Trump supporters, that Black Lives Matter does not exclude white people from anything? They repeatedly say, “all lives matter,” in response, which ends up snowballing into a big fight. I am the lone liberal in the family and often feel ostracized from conversations. Any suggestions on how to talk to them without starting an argument? I love my family, but this is becoming increasingly challenging. --TRYING HARD

DEAR TRYING HARD: Let me first start by acknowledging the importance of calling out the importance of having conversations with families surrounding race. Nothing can be done to shape the larger narrative more so than starting at home. I have heard a few ways in which to explain to people confused by the statement that “Black lives matter.” Here is how I look at it and explain it to friends or people who don’t understand. Imagine you are at a cafe. Everyone sits down to eat and everyone gets a plate of food except Jim. Jim says, “Hey where’s my plate? Doesn’t my plate matter?” Other people at the table say, “Jim, all plates matter.” Jim pauses, looks at everyone else eating while he sits there without a plate. “But my plate matters, too.” People roll their eyes and say, “We know Jim. All plates matter.” But at this moment, it’s Jim’s plate (or lack thereof) matters because he’s calling attention to not having a plate of food like everyone else. Another story I read that a pastor shared, if your family is religious, was about Jesus and his flock. He had one hundred sheep and one went missing. He went to look for that one sheep. People could say, “well all sheep matter,” but in that instance, the one sheep that was missing mattered and needed his attention. The truth of this boils down to the fact that white people have historically been centered in all narratives. So, when hearing “Black Lives Matter,” the reaction is defensive because they aren’t centered in that moment, which really underscores the point. If only they could recognize that their discomfort is a privilege because they have never had to feel the effects of such marginalization because of the color of their skin. But you can’t make them do the work or want to do the work. I applaud you in your efforts and I hope you continue to try to have these tough conversations with them and anyone else that speaks to the idea of “all lives matter.” That isn’t up for debate. But what is up for debate is why do some lives seem to matter more? That is the question that will take a lot of soul searching.  

DEAR NATALIE: My family comes from a long line of law enforcement. I am very concerned that with all of this nonsense surrounding “defunding police” that people will turn on my husband, who does his job well and without prejudice. He is white but doesn't see color. I don’t know how to engage my friends in conversations around police because they don’t understand what it is like to live with an officer. I worry about his safety every day. I worry about my son’s safety because he is also an officer. Listening to them talk about possibly eliminating their jobs or shrinking units makes me very angry. People have no idea how much they do. How do I discuss this issue with others, knowing so many are so closed off to understanding this perspective? — BLUE LIVES MATTER TOO

DEAR BLUE LIVES MATTER TOO: I need to first underscore the notion that there are “blue lives.” Being a police officer is a job. When your husband or son take off their uniforms, they are white men. Black people cannot change the color of their skin. This is not a fair comparison. I also want to note that “not seeing color” robs people of their full humanity. This isn’t about being blind to people’s experiences. It is dehumanizing when we speak that way and I challenge you to reflect on that. I can understand your fear of your son or husband. But I respectfully request you to think about how Black or brown families must feel talking to their children about race, about policing and police brutality. How does this impact their neighborhoods, lives and experiences? When people discuss defunding police, what they really are talking about is reallocating and providing more resources to communities to reduce the need for police. If this does impact their jobs, I wonder if there will be other ways for them to support communities. This is heavy. It’s deep. It’s layered. I do not wish to diminish your anxiety. It is valid. I just hope that you can recognize the constant anxiety and fear that communities feel surrounding this topic and why there needs to be conversations around rethinking and reshaping our police forces. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: I encourage you to pace yourselves. Social media can create anxiety, and right now with everything going on in the world, it can be overwhelming to be online. Take time out every day to put your phone down or close your computer and do something else. Read. Take a walk. Watch a funny show. Exercise. Mediate. Reconnect with yourself. Remember, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

DEAR NATALIE: I know we are in the midst of so many issues right now, but my best friend’s dad recently died of Covid-19 and they couldn’t have a funeral for him. I live out of town and obviously couldn’t travel during the pandemic to be with her. She is really angry with me, saying that I “should have been there” but there were a lot of factors as to why I couldn’t go. I’ve tried explaining this to her and she just gets really mad. Last time we talked, she hung up on me. I don’t know what to do. I love her. Any suggestions as to how to mend this fence?

— GRIEVING FOR MY FRIEND

DEAR GRIEVING FOR MY FRIEND: I feel so sad for both of you in this situation. My heart breaks for your friend that lost her father. What a horrible time for her. Not being able to go through the rituals of grieving are clearly weighing heavily on her. Unfortunately, sometimes when we are angry and hurt, we lash out at people we love. She probably on some level felt that you were a “safe” place for her to unload her pain. I’m in no way trying to diminish how that made you feel, but she clearly isn’t herself right now and the pain she is experiencing is overflowing into other relationships in her life. Instead of internalizing what she said to you, try recognizing where it is coming from. While it may have upset her that you couldn’t be by her side, we are still in the middle of a pandemic--one that claimed the life of someone she loved very deeply. Her response to you didn’t stem from logic, it stemmed from heartache and pain. Let her sit with that for a minute. Give her space. Instead of calling her right now, just send her text messages saying things like: “I love you.” “I am here.” “I acknowledge your pain and tremendous loss.” My Dad died last May and people have a tendency to say things that can make you feel worse. They don’t mean to, but sometimes validation is all that you are looking for. In a week or two, try calling her again. She may still be upset, but perhaps more willing to hear you. I do believe she will come around. Just let her know you aren’t going anywhere. And then let it be.  

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Have a social media platform? Use it right now to spread awareness and information on topics that can help communities in need. You can still be “on brand” and support your friends and neighbors. They are not mutually exclusive.

DEAR NATALIE: I live in a “green” zone and I can’t get anyone to go out with me. I keep telling my friends that the bars and restaurants are back open, but no one seems to want to go out and it’s really annoying. What can I do to convince my friends that it’s safe to have some fun again? — GREEN LIGHT

DEAR GREEN LIGHT: Counties can turn “green,” but until people feel comfortable going out, you can’t expect it to be like a light switch. There is a hesitation to resume “business as usual” for many reasons. There is no cure for Covid-19. There is no vaccine. There are no treatments. There isn’t sufficient testing. There hasn’t been a strong national protocol put in place so alleviate people’s stress. You combine that with an economic collapse and some of your friends may not have the funds to “party.” Now that a second-wave civil rights movement is upon us, their attention and energy may be directed towards that. Perhaps they feel like partying is frivolous or inappropriate right now. All of these things could be just some of the reasons floating through their minds that they are afraid to tell you. But you need to hear them. Recognize that we are in no way out of the woods when it comes to the pandemic. As counties move into “green” phases there could be a second wave of cases of Covid-19, as well. Try to take a moment to recognize and understand that this is bigger than you or me. If you want to support restaurants right now, order takeout if no one is willing to go to the restaurant with you. Sit outside together and eat. Shop online to support your local boutiques. You can still do the things you want to do to help keep local economies going, but do them responsibly. We all have a small role to play in preventing the unnecessary spread of this virus. While I understand your desire to get out there and have fun, you can’t hold it against people who aren’t feeling that enthusiastic. Instead, try meeting people where they are and with a bit of compassion.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I have a friend getting married in August and she is hellbent on a “normal” wedding. Me and my other friend are the only bridesmaids. WE both have young kids and are worried about even participating. She said the venue is assuring her that they are not worried. They are going to be “lax” on the social distancing rules, too. We tried to talk her into postponing it but she doesn’t want to hear it. She’s “over” this and doesn’t think Covid-19 is a big deal anymore. This is the larger issue. What do we do? — SAY I DON’T

DEAR SAY I DON’T: There is no “normal” to go back to. Until there is a vaccine or treatment, Covid-19 isn’t going to just disappear. So, we need to be sensible, understanding and be willing to put things on hold for the greater good. From what I’ve been hearing from some of my friends in the event industry, it doesn’t sound like a wedding right now would even be fun. No dancing, sitting staggered at tables, limited bars, wearing masks… you get the idea. People may not want to come to a wedding if they take care of elderly parents for fear of spreading it to them. They may not want to come if they are immunocompromised or live with someone who is. They may not have the money to spend on wedding gifts because of the economic weight being placed on so many, and they may not have the money to travel to the event, either. Some are depressed, anxious or reticent to even be in public with others right now. She may want to have a wedding but what kind of wedding will it really be? I would stick to your convictions on this one. If you don’t feel comfortable going, I would just tell her that you are not going to go. She could also just have a very small ceremony and then throw a larger party next summer. But, the truth is, you can’t control what she decides to do. You can only make a decision that is right for the health and wellbeing of you and your family.  

DEAR NATALIE: The news has been horrifying to say the least. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I feel the weight of everything on me. Between constant coverage of Covid-19 and now all of the police brutality, I’m not sure how to handle it. I want to help, but I feel paralyzed. Do you have any suggestions for the sensory overload? — ANXIOUS ALL DAY

DEAR ANXIOUS ALL DAY: Sometimes, our anxiety is the result of feeling helpless. It’s like we have all this energy bottled up with no place to go. The best thing you can do is be a part of solutions. Research and donate to funds that support equity in your community. Share those resources with others. Make masks for community members. Bake cookies or bring flowers to elderly neighbors and friends. Volunteer to help with voter registration. Do whatever feels right to take the energy and make it constructive.  You are also allowed to take a break from social media and the news. It is OK to find a space for rest in the midst of everything. Reach out for mental health support if you are finding that things are just too overwhelming for you. There is no shame in asking for help. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: As communities enter “yellow” and “green” phases, don’t feel pressured into meeting people in person. You have every right to set boundaries that work for you in the middle of this pandemic. If you feel more comfortable on Zoom or a phone call, let your contacts know that. Most likely, they’ll be relieved that you brought it up first.