DEAR NATALIE: Why do men yell and harass women on dating sites? I get that it's frustrating to message someone and not get a response. But why can't they just shrug it off? I ended a subscription to a site. They kept my profile up and let men message me so they could tell me I have messages but not let me see them or their profile unless I renew. Women may not see those messages. When I started using the sites, I answered back to be polite but learned very quickly not to do that if I wasn't interested. So many men harassed me that I had to report them and block them. Some men even do that if you don't answer in a timely manner. Why do they do this? — FED UP

DEAR FED UP: Why can’t they shrug it off? Because they believe you are there in that space solely for their entertainment. The idea that a woman wouldn’t respond to them, no matter how they engage, is too upsetting for their fragile egos. So, they lash out like children having temper tantrums when no one pays attention to them. The internet has allowed the worst of people to appear because they do not have to look anyone in the eye. They can feel brave and powerful behind the keyboard which compensates for the lack of control and power they may feel in reality. It’s often misdirected anger. Anyone that treats you with disrespect should be blocked. You owe them nothing. You don’t owe a response, a smile or an acknowledgement. This does not give them the right to belittle or attack you and speaks volumes of the toxic culture in which this behavior thrives in. I find the best way to deal with this is pay them no attention at all. Do not feed into it. Do not engage with it. Let it wither and die out on its own. Anyone who is respectful and has a sense of decency would just move on, anyway.  

DEAR NATALIE: I know this will sound crazy, but I’m really worried about things going back to “normal.” I’ve become very comfortable in my house, with working from home and ordering in food. My mom says that I have to get ready to start “living again” and that staying inside all day, every day isn’t healthy for me. But I feel my anxiety creeping up on me every time I think about life outside. I know she’s right, but I’m having a hard time adjusting knowing that so many people aren’t following protocol or wearing masks. Any suggestions?— ANXIOUS A LOT

DEAR ANXIOUS A LOT: I have been hearing this more and more from people who are feeling very comforted by their space and don’t want to engage with the outside world. I am not here to tell you what to do with your life, but I will say that your mother may have some wisdom worth listening to. What is your life going to be if you hide away? In truth, our worlds shrink or expand in proportion to our willingness to engage. On the other hand, I completely understand your fears and anxieties. They are rooted in reality, but we also cannot allow fear to control our lives. If we do, we go from living to just existing. Instead, try to take little baby steps to begin reengaging with the outside world. Wear a mask or face covering and just go for a walk outside. Maybe it’s just around the block. Maybe it’s just to the corner and back. But take a moment to step in the sunshine and take a deep breath of courage. Then, perhaps in a week or so, you decide to go a little further. Maybe you even think about trying to go to a store. You don’t have to go inside the grocery store, but maybe you just walk to the outside and see what’s going on. Notice the precautions people are taking to make it a safer experience. Reduce the time you spend watching or the news if it causes further anxiety. Have your mom tell you the important things that you need to know. Find activities outside that you can do on your own, like reading a book in the park. Listening to music on your headphones while you sit on a bench. Try finding ways to experience the outside world without fully engaging. Over time, you may notice that your feelings of anxiety start to subside when you recognize that the monster in our heads is often much worse than in reality. But if you don’t seem to feel any better, please reach out to a mental healthcare professional for a telemedicine support session. There is no reason to be crippled emotionally for the rest of your life and you don’t have to live that way. Life is waiting for you, just reach out. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Did you know you can turn on “gallery view” in the top right so that you can see everyone’s feed at once in the same size? It’s less distracting this way and makes engaging in conversations feel less intimidating.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I know everyone is handling being isolated from each other because of the coronavirus in their own ways, but I am getting really fed up with my neighbors. They keep having these “unmasked” parties and it’s really frustrating to watch people being so irresponsible. What the problem really boils down to is that my daughter, who is nine, and their daughters who are 10 and 12, often played together. Now that this has all happened, we’ve told our daughter she isn’t allowed to go over to their house and my neighbors are somehow “offended.” Without causing a war, how do I get them to understand that what they are doing is wrong and potentially dangerous?— IGNORANT NEIGHBORS

DEAR IGNORANT NEIGHBORS: I couldn’t help but laugh at a meme I saw recently that remarked how we all have to miss recess because one kid couldn’t follow directions. Well, your neighbors are that kid. And while ignorance may be the road they choose to walk, you certainly don’t need to follow. Short of calling the cops to break up their parties, there really isn’t much else that you can do to get them to stop. So, instead of worrying about their poor choices, just focus on your own space. If you are able to stay at home, then do so. If you have to work outside the home but can come directly home, then do that. Limit your exposure to public spaces and remember to always wear a mask or face covering when you leave the house. I think some people are confusing “inconvenienced” with “oppressed.” When it comes to your daughter, I would just be honest with her. You don’t have to scare her or get too deep into the science, but make it clear that it isn’t safe for her to be around her friends right now. Explain to her that their parents aren’t being as responsible with their health as you would like.Until things improve, it’s better just to FaceTime or Zoom with them. This is really hard on kids. We are expecting a lot from them. Please be gentle with yourself and with your daughter. Your neighbors deserve some empathy, too. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but I believe people lash out like this to cover up their own fears. They are projecting their anxieties by rebelling against directives that can save their lives and others’ lives, too. While it’s nonsensical, it isn’t surprising. Just do your part, be a good example for your daughter.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has been MIA during this whole lockdown because of the coronavirus. She doesn’t want to FaceTime or really talk much at all. She said everything is giving her “anxiety.”  I’ve tried to be sympathetic, but her lack of communication is really starting to drive a wedge between us. I know we are all very stressed out, but hiding from the world isn’t making it better. She works from home, so I don’t really understand what she is so anxious about. She needs to pull it together or I don’t know how she expects her friendships to stay intact. Any advice on how to help her “snap out of it?”— GET A GRIP

DEAR GET A GRIP: Instead of fixating so much on your friend, ask yourself why you are so frustrated with her. Is it because she isn’t reacting the way that you want her to? Is it because you feel as though she isn’t as “strong” as you? What is your frustration rooted in? My guess is that it is grounded in a lack of control. You can’t control this situation or this virus, so instead, you want to control everyone’s reaction to it. Well, you can’t. Your friend may also feel out of control, but she has turned it inward. If she doesn’t want to Zoom or FaceTime, it’s OK. Perhaps she isn’t feeling like herself. She might be depressed and isn’t up for interacting on social platforms. Maybe getting dressed is too much right now. People who already live with anxiety and depression may be feeling things extra hard, so be gentle. Instead, reach out to her via text and just ask her how she is. She may feel more comfortable texting but not talking. Meet her where she is, not where you expect her to be. Show a little more compassion towards yourself and towards her. You may be surprised how it changes the dynamic.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: This week, take the pressure off of (virtual!) networking and instead, focus on what brings you peace. Maybe it’s time to pick up a book, take a Zoom yoga class or practice meditation. Whatever makes you feel centered during this time will only energize and prepare you for the future.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I am a woman. I hold a bachelor’s degree. Previously, my company tried to force me into accepting a position for 73% of the compensation they had been paying a man without a degree after they had expanded the responsibilities related to the role. I was asking for roughly 85% of what a similar role pays for in a company our size in our area, but I was mocked for asking for a comparable salary. I was able to refuse to accept it at that time, and we had some honest communication about unrealistic expectations and fairness. Now they are using the Covid-19 events as the reason they are moving away from previous practices of posting positions and accepting bids, to unilaterally moving team members wherever they want them with no discussion.  As I understand it, refusing the new position is the equivalent of quitting.  I am looking for another job, but this is a terrible time to find one.  I will have to accept their new approach for now.  What can I do to encourage them to treat me fairly? Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. — EXPECTED EQUAL PAY

DEAR EXPECTED EQUAL PAY: I really applaud you in advocating for yourself when you realized that you were being undervalued. Unfortunately, as we know, white women make around 77 cents to the dollar that men make for doing the same job, and if you are Black, Hispanic or Native American, the numbers are closer to 56 cents per dollar. So what can we do? You already have tried talking with them, and if going to Human Resources (HR) doesn’t sound palatable, the only thing you can do is take the position and continue to look for work. It is disturbing to me that companies would use Covid-19 as a way to exploit workers further, but it doesn’t surprise me. Ask if you can discuss your performance and what action steps you can take to increase your pay. This is yet another example of why unions are so important. HR is there to protect the company, while unions protect workers. I hope because of this situation, more workers can find ways to organize and recognize their collective power. 

DEAR NATALIE: I had been dating a really fantastic woman before Covid-19 hit and it’s been several weeks since we have seen each other. We were sleeping together before this situation, and I suggested on the phone the other night that we should send each other pics or do something online/over the phone to keep things engaging. She really hated the idea and told me I was “pervy” for suggesting it. Now things are really awkward. I just thought it would be fun since everything is so difficult right now. How do I get this relationship back on track? If she doesn’t want to do it, that’s fine, but her reaction seems extreme. Any thoughts? — NOT A PERV

DEAR NOT A PERV: These are weird times, so try cutting her some slack on this one. Maybe she isn’t comfortable being on video right now for several reasons, or maybe she just has no interest in sending anyone intimate photos for fear that they could be used against her or shown to other people. Maybe she is just a private person. There are so many reasons that someone would not want to engage in any kind of virtual intimacy, especially now. While calling you “pervy” was rude, I wouldn’t take it to heart. She may have felt vulnerable and just became defensive. But, sex is a part of relationships, and I can understand your need to want to connect in that way. I would call her and tell her that you didn’t mean to cause any tension, you were just looking for other ways to feel closer to her. Maybe she has some suggestions or ideas to keep the heat at a simmer until you can be together again. This is so hard on everyone's relationships and perhaps now instead of dating, think about “courting” each other with romantic texts, cards in the mail, or surprise gifts left on the doorstep. If those suggestions from a hopeless romantic like me make your eyes roll, find other ways to show your interest. When you are able to be together in person, take it slow. She may need time to acclimate to the idea of seeing you in real life. Everyone needs an extra dose of patience right now. Hopefully you can find your way back to one another by remembering what you liked about each other in the first place. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: When in a Zoom meeting, keep yourself muted unless you are asked to join the conversation or need to interject. Then, instead of looking for the unmute button, simply hit the space bar to share your thoughts. Keeping yourself muted helps cut down on background noise, children crying, dogs barking… you get the idea.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci