DEAR NATALIE: One of my professors wants to sleep with me. I am a graduate student.  There has been a lot of upheaval in my department. The department head was fired over the summer. I had been getting advice from one of the professors who has been in the department a long time. I thought he was going to mentor me but now he has been making it clear he wants a different kind of relationship with me. I feel foolish that I didn’t realize this was going to happen. He is married to another professor so it’s extra awkward. I heard rumors about him being involved with other graduate students but didn’t believe it at first. I don’t want to ruin my reputation. I heard he might be moving full-time to another department next year. I thought I would get a break while we are on lockdown, but now I get texts from him. I guess he thinks they are flirty and sends offers for video meetings. Should I say something outright to him and others to indicate I am not not the kind of person who would sleep with a professor? Should I just avoid him and hope he moves to a different department, although it’s closely associated with ours? It won’t do any good to report him. It’s hard to prove and I don’t want to make any friction for my future. — NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL

DEAR NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL: This is a broken record that I wish we could smash into a million pieces. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I have known in my life who have dealt with a similar situation, whether it be their boss, their professor or someone in their community who has power and leverage over them. That is the key word to all of this: Power. This is your classic power differential. You can do a few things to deal with this, it just depends on how confrontational you want to be. First of all, any texts and emails that he has sent you, save them and print them out as insurance. If they are “flirty” enough to warrant you feeling concerned, they are worth having just in case you need to produce them. I completely understand why you don’t want to confront him because you are worried that it could hurt you, but if you don’t say anything, this may continue to escalate, unfortunately. I would try to “gently” confront this. I absolutely hate giving you advice like this, by the way, because in my fantasy world, you could just straight out say “BACK OFF OR I’M TELLING YOUR WIFE AND THE DEAN.” We both know that the world doesn’t work that way because...well...patriarchy. If he has made it that clear that he wants a different type of relationship, I would just say, “I don’t think it’s appropriate to have this conversation because I am not interested in a relationship like that with you. You are my professor. Please respect my boundaries as a person and as a student.” If he doesn’t get the hint and continues to send inappropriate messages, or if he becomes aggressive or threatening in any way, I would take all of the correspondences that you have had with him and show someone that you trust in the department. I wish I could tell you if you do nothing that this will go away, but most likely, he will take any response from you as an invitation to keep trying. This is how predators work. He may try to wear you down, intimidate you or offer you help if you have a “relationship” with him. All of this is disgusting. I know you don’t want to make waves, and do what your gut tells you, but based on what you are telling me, this may not stop until he is forced to stop. So, try a soft approach first, but be prepared to get someone else involved that you feel will support you if you need to take it further up the food chain. You should never have to feel this way in an academic setting, or in any setting, for that matter. It isn’t fair that you have to put yourself out there to make it stop. I applaud your courage in writing to me. I applaud your resolve to stand up for yourself. I just hope years from now other people in your position do not have to deal with this because we decide as a society that this behavior is no longer acceptable or tolerated on any level.

DEAR NATALIE:  I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child. Now that I am a young adult, I sometimes go to their house to help with housework, and occasionally spend the night there. I've been at home for the past month due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but I make sure to call them every few days. They have been taking the crisis seriously but they seem bored. Now my grandmother wants me to visit for a weekend. It has been two weeks since I have been in a store. However, I live with family members who go shopping frequently and occasionally go into their office or see friends. Although none of us are sick, I do not want to be near my grandparents--both in their 80s--for fear of spreading the virus to them. I've suggested I do some yard work for them and talk from a distance while outdoors, but they would still like me to spend a night or two. I assume they are getting lonely. How can I help my grandparents accept that I cannot visit them until the crisis subsides, especially since we do not know when that will be? — GOOD GRANDSON

DEAR GOOD GRANDSON: First, let me say that I think what you do for your grandparents is so loving. The visits, the help, and the support you give them is clearly not going unnoticed. They just miss you and I can see why. However, you are doing the right thing in social distancing from them right now. It is for their own protection and it shows your love for them. People can be asymptomatic and still spread the virus. Since there isn’t a lot of testing available, it is impossible to know if you have the virus unless you show symptoms and are given a test. I know it is really hard for them not to be with you. I really like the idea of you talking to them from the outdoors so that they can still see you and feel connected. I would stand your ground on this one, even though grandparents can be really good at guilt trips! I would also remind them that you are doing this because you care so much about their wellbeing. Explain to them as best you can the reasoning behind social distancing. Let them know that you can’t wait to spend the weekend together, but only when it is safe to do so. In the meantime, do they have a computer and access to the internet? Perhaps you can try to teach them how to Google Chat or Zoom? They may really enjoy that and feel more connected when they can see your face. I would continue going to help them with yard work and talk to them from a safe distance if that helps with their loneliness. I would also bring treats, like homemade cookies or flowers once in a while, too, so they know you are thinking of them. This is so hard on everyone, but what is worse is the idea of your loved one being sick and not being able to visit them in the hospital. We all have to find our strength and resilience deep inside of us right now. Your grandparents have lived through a lot. Remind them of that. Remind them of how you pull strength from them and how now you give them strength to make it through. This moment is temporary, but your love for each other is forever. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t put pressure on people to video chat during a work meeting. People are feeling the weight of this experience right now and may be depressed while social distancing. If they don’t want to put on “real” clothes or appear on camera during meetings, who cares? We all have to showcase a little more compassion for one another right now, and providing space for people to experience this in different ways may be just the thing to help them reduce their anxiety in these unprecedented times.

DEAR NATALIE: Hi, my mother-in-law keeps buying my toddler cheap toys and any other thing that doesn't cost a lot of money. We have told her many times in the past

that our little boy does not need anything. Furthermore, the problem is that the toys she buys for him break quite easily so we end up throwing them out usually after a day or two. My mother-in-law does not have a lot of money, so we have told her to just save it. We try to buy our son healthy foods, as well. My mother-in-law claims to only buy

the best, however, she doesn't read the ingredients of what she buys. She gives our son these snacks, after we have asked her not to, just because they don't cost a lot and they claim to be good for you. I feed my son, he never goes hungry, but every time she comes over, she brings him these snacks. I don't know what to do because she just

doesn't listen when we tell her not to get him stuff. She really just needs to keep her money. — NO CHEAP GIFTS PLEASE

DEAR NO CHEAP GIFTS PLEASE: I don’t think confronting your mother-in-law at this point is going to do any good. She clearly feels as though this is how she shows

her love for her grandson. I would simply thank her for the gifts and give them away if you do not want them in the house. It isn’t worth damaging your relationship with her,

especially since this clearly makes her feel of use. You could also redirect her efforts and say something like, “Instead of buying him snacks, why not come over and bake

cookies with us? I bought all the ingredients, just come join the fun.” Try including her in other aspects of his life, or tell her things that you would like for him, like books to read together. This way, she can still be a part of the nurturing process without wasting her money on things that you do not want your son to have. Family dynamics are always tricky, so please try to show her some patience and grace. If you can help to guide her gently, that may be what keeps your relationship flowing in a healthy direction.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Keep in mind that if you are utilizing Zoom for virtual meetings, people can read your personal comments along the side of the screen after the meeting is over, even if the conversation did not include them. If you don’t want to share it with the group, better to text offline than risk saying something you may regret.

DEAR NATALIE: What do you do when your partner’s parents are against you buying a house together before you are engaged? —OUR CHOICE

DEAR OUR CHOICE: Unless your partner’s parents are paying for your home, I don’t really see how it is any of their business. You are adults, and if you choose to live together and invest in a space before you are married, that is up to you. Now, the question is, why are they against this? If it is for religious reasons, there may not be a way to reason with them. But, if it’s more logistical, in the sense that they don’t want either of you making a big financial commitment unless you commit to one another in other ways, I can see their perspective. It may be old school, but that is a legitimate reason to be concerned from their perspective. At the end of the day, though, it doesn’t really matter what they think. If you are planning on getting married at some point or know that this is your life partner, you may want to at least sit down with them and smooth this over so that you can have a happy life together without the side eye from the in-laws cramping your style.

DEAR NATALIE:  My husband and I have been self-quarantining due to coronavirus concerns, but it is really starting to grate on me. I feel like he is hovering over me all day long. He’s becoming a bit of a nag, too. If the dishes are in the sink, he complains that he’s the only one doing them. Meanwhile, he’s in the service industry and out of work and I am able to work from home, keeping us afloat, so it’s frustrating to me that he just doesn’t do more around the house. Can you help me, please, so I don’t commit murder while stuck in this house? — SEND HELP

DEAR SEND HELP: Try to look at this from all angles. He’s out of work, most likely depressed, frustrated and angry. You are still working and now the sole provider, which may make him feel emasculated or useless. I am not condoning him nagging you or lying around the house, but his emotional state is probably all over the place, so try to show a little bit of compassion. Living in close quarters under stress can be challenging for even the healthiest relationships. Cut him and yourself some slack while setting up boundaries. If there is a specific place you can work where he knows this is your “work” space, let him know what you need. Say something like this: “I love you. I know you are having a really difficult time. We both are struggling with this new dynamic. But I don’t want us to take it out on each other. From (pick a time frame/s) I need this to be considered my work space. If you can support me in that by working on other projects around our home or cleaning up, it would really make a difference to the energy here. I appreciate all that you are doing for our home, and I’m also contributing, so it’s a team effort.”

Let him respond. He may not have realized that his bad mood was rubbing off on you. Maybe he needs his eyes opened to the fact that you aren’t just hanging out all day, and that both of your contributions are important to creating a safe, functional household. Find some time at the end of the day when you put away the electronics and just be together. Play a board game, do a puzzle, light some candles, whatever is needed for a mood shift. The stress is getting to everyone right now, but don’t let COVID-19 wreck your relationship, too.

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I recently broke up. We had a month or so left on our lease, and then everything hit with COVID-19. We aren’t in a position right now to terminate the lease and move out because we are both currently out of work. She is stressed out and so am I. It was awkward already, but now realizing we may be stuck with each other a while longer is starting to take its toll. On the other hand, we did hook up the other night, mostly out of boredom, but now she’s talking about maybe getting back together. I don’t know what I should do. I still love her, but we did break up for a reason. (Actually, several). What should I do? —STUCK TOGETHER

DEAR STUCK TOGETHER: Relationships are hard to end when you don’t have to see each other, let alone when you are still living together. I feel for both of you!

Boredom can bring people together, and it sounds as though there is still love (or at least lust) between you. This is as good a time as any to really see if there is still something worth fighting for. If she’s interested in possibly continuing the relationship and there’s a part of you that is open to it, I say work through it. We’ve got plenty of time on our hands, after all. But if you really feel as though this is over, stop sleeping with her. Sleep on the couch, in a different room if you have to, whatever it takes. If you keep hooking up, regardless of the reason, you are going to send mixed messages, which will only make this more difficult. Set clear boundaries. Talk about your feelings. Discuss what you can both live with in this awkward time. And remember, even if you don’t stay together, to be kind to each other. These are strange times, and you will both need all the positive energy that you can muster.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Networking #IRL is clearly out of the question, so use this time to network online. Instagram and LinkedIn are great resources for meeting people that you can share your work with and ideas with. Who knows who you may e-meet?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nataliebencivenga@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter at @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)