life

Ask Natalie: My husband is out of work because of COVID-19, and it's causing a strain on our marriage; Broke up but still quarantined together?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 8th, 2020

DEAR NATALIE:  My husband and I have been self-quarantining due to coronavirus concerns, but it is really starting to grate on me. I feel like he is hovering over me all day long. He’s becoming a bit of a nag, too. If the dishes are in the sink, he complains that he’s the only one doing them. Meanwhile, he’s in the service industry and out of work and I am able to work from home, keeping us afloat, so it’s frustrating to me that he just doesn’t do more around the house. Can you help me, please, so I don’t commit murder while stuck in this house? — SEND HELP

DEAR SEND HELP: Try to look at this from all angles. He’s out of work, most likely depressed, frustrated and angry. You are still working and now the sole provider, which may make him feel emasculated or useless. I am not condoning him nagging you or lying around the house, but his emotional state is probably all over the place, so try to show a little bit of compassion. Living in close quarters under stress can be challenging for even the healthiest relationships. Cut him and yourself some slack while setting up boundaries. If there is a specific place you can work where he knows this is your “work” space, let him know what you need. Say something like this: “I love you. I know you are having a really difficult time. We both are struggling with this new dynamic. But I don’t want us to take it out on each other. From (pick a time frame/s) I need this to be considered my work space. If you can support me in that by working on other projects around our home or cleaning up, it would really make a difference to the energy here. I appreciate all that you are doing for our home, and I’m also contributing, so it’s a team effort.”

Let him respond. He may not have realized that his bad mood was rubbing off on you. Maybe he needs his eyes opened to the fact that you aren’t just hanging out all day, and that both of your contributions are important to creating a safe, functional household. Find some time at the end of the day when you put away the electronics and just be together. Play a board game, do a puzzle, light some candles, whatever is needed for a mood shift. The stress is getting to everyone right now, but don’t let COVID-19 wreck your relationship, too.

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I recently broke up. We had a month or so left on our lease, and then everything hit with COVID-19. We aren’t in a position right now to terminate the lease and move out because we are both currently out of work. She is stressed out and so am I. It was awkward already, but now realizing we may be stuck with each other a while longer is starting to take its toll. On the other hand, we did hook up the other night, mostly out of boredom, but now she’s talking about maybe getting back together. I don’t know what I should do. I still love her, but we did break up for a reason. (Actually, several). What should I do? —STUCK TOGETHER

DEAR STUCK TOGETHER: Relationships are hard to end when you don’t have to see each other, let alone when you are still living together. I feel for both of you!

Boredom can bring people together, and it sounds as though there is still love (or at least lust) between you. This is as good a time as any to really see if there is still something worth fighting for. If she’s interested in possibly continuing the relationship and there’s a part of you that is open to it, I say work through it. We’ve got plenty of time on our hands, after all. But if you really feel as though this is over, stop sleeping with her. Sleep on the couch, in a different room if you have to, whatever it takes. If you keep hooking up, regardless of the reason, you are going to send mixed messages, which will only make this more difficult. Set clear boundaries. Talk about your feelings. Discuss what you can both live with in this awkward time. And remember, even if you don’t stay together, to be kind to each other. These are strange times, and you will both need all the positive energy that you can muster.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Networking #IRL is clearly out of the question, so use this time to network online. Instagram and LinkedIn are great resources for meeting people that you can share your work with and ideas with. Who knows who you may e-meet?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nataliebencivenga@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter at @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

COVID-19Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Is COVID-19 worsening your anxiety? Is it possible to find love in the time of social distancing?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 1st, 2020

DEAR NATALIE:My anxiety has kicked into high gear over the coronavirus. I live alone and am a very social person. I am not doing well with being inside all day long, although I know how lucky I am to be able to work from home. Is there anything you can recommend to help combat my anxiety? I watch Netflix, read books and call my friends, but nothing is really helping. I just feel incredibly stressed and depressed. — ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

DEAR ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER: You are not alone in feeling this way. There are many people who have anxiety and it is only heightened when experiencing prolonged isolation. It can be scary to be lost in your thoughts, especially if they become obsessive. Here are some ideas for combating anxiety other than the ways you have already tried:

• Mindful movement. Whether this means streaming a yoga class, trying a meditation app or simply taking a walk in solitude in nature, moving your body can help alleviate stress and release endorphins.

• Journaling. It can really help to reduce tensions once you get your thoughts on paper and out of your head.

• Reduce your caffeine intake. If you are a coffee lover, you may not even realize caffeine could be raising your anxiety levels. Try cutting it down or out and see how you feel after a few days.

• Make a list of local businesses or charities to support. If you can spare $5 or $10 donations, send them what you can. Doing something for someone else can often help get us out of our own heads and feel productive.

• Try a new recipe using food already in your pantry or fridge. Not a cook? This is a perfect time to learn. YouTube is full of how-to recipes and there are a ton of food channels that can provide inspiration. Love to cook? Let your creativity be sparked and come up with a yummy dish that you can enjoy while watching something that makes you laugh. Share the recipe online with your friends and family.

The most important thing: Keep reaching out to friends or family. FaceTime or Skype if you have the capability, or at least pick up the phone to connect. Humans are social creatures and to self-isolate is unnatural for many of us. But you are doing the right thing in helping prevent the spread of COVID-19. The sooner we all get on board, the sooner we can put this behind us and give our friends and families real-life hugs again.

DEAR NATALIE:  What are your thoughts about online dating right now during the coronavirus? My friends think I am absolutely crazy for wanting to date, but I feel like this could be a great time to meet someone, as everyone is being pushed online. — FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE

DEAR FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE:This question made me laugh because it got me to thinking about the new “Love is Blind” reality dating show on Netflix — single people were put in a situation where they went on dates but couldn’t see each other until one of them proposed marriage. Makes for great reality television, but I’m not so sure about real-life relationships. Online dating could be a fun way to pass the time. You can’t meet in person until things calm down, so long phone conversations or social media chats may force you to get to know them without actually seeing them. Who knows? Maybe you will find the love of your life and regale your grandkids with how you found love during a great time of social isolation. Sounds pretty romantic to me!

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Networking moves online right now, so stay in tune with what is happening with friends and colleagues through media apps and video chats. It’s a great time to update your resume and make a list of people you want to connect with once it is safe to be social in the real world!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

COVID-19Mental HealthLove & Dating
life

My friend likes to kiss my husband on the lips… My husband loves to compliment other women except for me.

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 25th, 2020

DEAR NATALIE: One of my “social” friends has this really annoying habit. Whenever she is around my husband, she makes it a point to greet him with a kiss on the lips. My other friends said they think it is weird. My poor husband looked incredibly uncomfortable the last time she did this. And it isn’t just to him — she kisses all the wives’ husbands on the lips. Am I crazy or is this not a normal way to greet someone else’s man? How do I get her to stop? And especially now with the coronavirus running rampant, this seems really gross and irresponsible. 

— TIGHT-LIPPED

DEAR TIGHT-LIPPED: Why anyone would think it was appropriate to kiss any acquaintance on the mouth is beyond me, especially when the whole world is on edge over COVID-19. Explain to your husband that this makes you feel uncomfortable. See how he reacts. If he doesn’t seem bothered by it, maybe mention that it’s just unsanitary.

If he also feels uncomfortable, come up with a solution together the next time she attempts to plant one on him. Maybe he should take a step back and extend his hand. In general, people should be more aware of their personal space. You don’t know who has a compromised immune system or who might be susceptible to the coronavirus. Get a game plan together not just for her, but in general. What are your boundaries? What are his? How can you find a middle ground where you both feel validated and respected?

DEAR NATALIE: I was recently out with my husband and a very attractive woman approached us at a networking event for his job. She was flirty with him and he was very complimentary of her and told her “how great she looked” at least three times. It was eye-rolling to say the least. I’m not concerned about him cheating, but he did annoy me in that he never compliments how I look. So, I brought that up to him and we ended up in a huge fight with him calling me “insecure.” Is it so wrong to want my husband to tell me that I’m attractive, too? He has no problem telling other women, apparently. Any advice? —AREN’T I ATTRACTIVE?

DEAR AREN’T I ATTRACTIVE: Not cool. Not only was it unnecessary to compliment this other woman, but to do it in front of you and then offer you nothing is one of two things: 1) Passive-aggressive. 2) Ignorant. Which one is he? In any case, you told him exactly how you felt and then he deflected, turned it around on you and then called you a name. Not sure how he thinks this is going to make you feel better about the situation. I would broach the subject one more time, now that tempers have hopefully cooled off.

Start with an “I” statement. Don’t make it at all about the other woman or he may just call you names again. Say something like, “I was thinking more about our disagreement the other night and I think what is really upsetting me is that sometimes I don’t feel valued. It really hurt my feelings that I was called insecure simply by expressing myself and we didn’t actually discuss why I may have been feeling that way. I don’t want to fight. I love you. I would like to understand why it is hard for you to say nice things to me, especially when you know it would make me feel good about myself.” Most likely, he just wasn’t thinking and then became defensive because he was embarrassed by his behavior. This isn’t an excuse, but possibly an insight into his reaction. Hopefully, in the future, he will think before he speaks and recognize that we all need our lover to support us and, yes, tell us we look pretty from time to time.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Consider keeping a healthy distance in the current climate. Instead of shaking hands, give a little wave. People will understand. If you feel even a little under the weather, don’t push yourself to be in a large group of people. Protect yourself and others by laying low until you feel better again. Networking is a great way to connect, and in this time, you just have to get a little more creative with your greetings!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • An Uprising in Kansas
  • More New Moms Struggling -- and Seeking Help
  • A Tale of Two 10-Year-Olds
  • Promising Study on Rectal Cancer Has Narrow Scope
  • Eating Microwave Popcorn Increases the Level of PFAS in Body
  • Sinusitis Shares Symptoms With Many Other Conditions
  • Make the Most of a Hopeful Season With Festive Home Looks
  • Designing a Holiday Tabletop for a Season Like No Other
  • Light It Up: New Designs Brighten Home Decor
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2022 Andrews McMeel Universal