DEAR NATALIE: I am a married man with children. My wife and I have been married for many years, but our relationship had rough patches and we fought a lot. However, through counseling, we were able to work through it. I have never cheated on my wife, even when things were rocky between us. We have a good sex life, we get along much better now and we are best friends. Our lives are not perfect, but in general, things are good. But I have a problem. I have become increasingly attracted to a single female co-worker of mine. It is more than just a physical attraction. My co-worker is not more attractive than my wife, but she has other qualities. I am developing strong feelings for her. We are friends. I have tried everything I know how to bury my feelings. I mostly avoid her at work, but nothing seems to help. I think telling my co-worker about my feelings would be a mistake because it would make things uncomfortable at work and probably hurt my career or hers. Also, I don’t want to hurt my wife. I don’t know what to do. — DROWNING

DEAR DROWNING: Before you decide to make any rash decisions, look at this situation as rationally as possible. You need to question where your feelings for this woman originate. It seems like you enjoy a challenge within your relationships. Your marriage was rocky, but you fought for your relationship and wanted things to work out. You didn’t stray and stayed the course. You clearly want your wife and love her. But now that the stress of wanting your relationship to work are somewhat behind you because the relationship is in a better place you are bored and perhaps in need of a new challenge.

Enter the female co-worker.

Maybe it started as an innocent crush on a pretty colleague. Then you started building your desire and you projecting ideals onto her. She is just a person. She only has as much power over you as you give her. Then you start thinking to yourself that if you could do it all over again, you could have a better relationship with this woman than you ever had with your wife. Desire increases. Chasing after the unknown, chasing after someone you can’t have, chasing after your own regrets — all of these things will only lead to frustration and a “drowning” feeling, as you put it.

Do you really want to risk everything you have worked so hard for, everything you have built over the years, everything you struggled to keep together, for a woman you don’t really know and who may not even feel the same way?

Let’s say you tell your wife about these feelings. How would she react? She would be devastated, hurt, angry, frustrated, and she may even leave you. Then, if you approach your co-worker and tell her that you left your wife for her, she may be scared or upset, particularly if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. You could be viewed as someone who is sexually harassing a colleague.

Learn to live with your feelings for this woman at work. Stop giving her so much power. It is perfectly natural to find other women attractive, but when you get stuck in your head the way, you are only going to stress yourself out. We always want what we can’t have. Redirect your energies to your wife. Find new ways to have fun together. Remember why you married her in the first place.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t spend too much time with one person at a networking event. Work the room. It is OK to end a conversation by saying, “I don’t want to hold you up and I know we both want to mingle, but I really enjoyed our conversation.” Then ask for a business card and follow up at a later date.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My husband seems to think it is OK to run red lights. There have been five instances in the last week where he gunned it through red lights as they changed from yellow. He goes through periods like this where his driving is very aggressive. He coaches a girls' sport in the summer and his driving after games is terrible. If there is a loss, he takes it out in his driving and on other drivers. When I protest, he tells me to shut up. I am at the end of my rope and don’t even want to go anywhere with him. I can say something, but it is going to make it worse. I just want some pointers so I don't end up divorced over this. -- PASSIVE PASSENGER

DEAR PASSIVE PASSENGER: This doesn’t sound like a driving problem, this sounds like a anger management issue that he is channeling through his driving. Look, we all have our moments. We yell at a driver in front of us when we are really frustrated about work. We gun through a light because we are running late and feeling entitled. We take our aggression, anxiety and frustration out on the road and the people on it because it is safe. Everyone is in their cars. We can yell and never see someone again. We feel empowered in our anger in these moments. And where does it get us? Heart rate goes up, feelings intensify, and we rarely get where we are going any faster.

I would have this conversation with your husband again but not in the car. Do not do this when you are both in the vehicle and he is more likely to verbally accost you. Being told to shut up is disrespectful and unnecessary. I would wait until he is in a calmer head space and bring this up, focusing on how his yelling made you feel.

You could say something like this: “I want to talk about how your driving is impacting me and everyone around us. Telling me to ‘shut up’ the other day was hurtful and has been weighing on me. I love you, and I’m worried that you are angry about something other than driving. Can we talk about what is really bothering you?”

If he refuses to discuss it, tell him you aren’t going to be in the car while he’s driving until he opens up, and he isn’t going to be driving with your kids, either. It sounds harsh, but he is putting other people in danger, not just himself. Stick to your principles and wait. He may come around. If he does decide to tell you what is going on, just listen. Do not interject. Allow him to express himself, then work towards a solution together. You are on the same team, not adversaries and he needs to know that when he is hurting, you both are.

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: I was really disappointed by this year’s Valentine’s Day gift from my husband. You know what he got me? Nothing. He got me nothing. Yes, we’ve been married for more than 20 years, but why should that matter? He said we “don’t need to celebrate these things at this point.” I was really upset and now he’s annoyed with me for being upset. It ruined our whole weekend. I told him he could just be “spontaneously romantic” and then he laughed. Any help in getting the romance back? I am feeling depressed about it all. -- WOOED OUT

DEAR WOOED OUT: I can’t even begin to tell you how many women I have met who have asked me about the death of romance in relationships. It comes down to feeling appreciated — the little niceties of life can go a long way. A bouquet of flowers, a box of candy, a love note, these things have endured because of how they make us feel: wanted, loved and noticed. When you remove them or their equivalent, it is easy to feel resentful or hurt.

Some people don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day for their own reasons, and that is fine. Not everyone buys into this holiday, especially after researching the actual origins of it. (Take five to Google it — it’s quite a story!) I encourage those people to find other reasons to leave love notes, bring home flowers or do the dishes. I encourage everyone in all relationships, whether romantic or platonic, to show appreciation and love for the people in your lives. Bring this up to your husband, but don’t frame it by saying what he did wrong; talk about how it made you feel to be ignored on that particular day. Tell him you need reminders that he loves you every once in a while. You would like to be wooed! There shouldn’t be an expiration date on romantic gestures. He may not turn into Casanova overnight, but maybe he just needs a push in the right direction.

DEAR NATALIE: I gave my girlfriend a really expensive necklace for Valentine’s Day and the first words out of her mouth were: “Ew, I hate rubies. Are these fake?” They certainly weren’t and I told her that. She wants to return it and get something else, but I had the piece custom-made and so it isn’t that simple. I was taken aback, as she has always admired jewelry with rubies in them, which is why I went in that direction. She hasn’t thanked me at all for the gesture. My friends are telling me that she is ungrateful and I should dump her, but I really care about her and don’t want to end things over a necklace. Any thoughts? -- OFFENDED BY JEWELRY

DEAR OFFENDED BY JEWELRY: I agree with your friends on this one — find someone who appreciates what you can provide. The fact that her first reaction was to insult you does not bode well for your relationship. You took time to think about what she would like. You went out and didn’t just purchase her an extravagant gift, you customized it. Even if she didn’t love it, the first reaction speaks volumes about her. The universe provides subtle and not-so-subtle hints about the people in our lives. It doesn’t get any clearer than this. She most likely is someone who is never satisfied and always finds faults in others.

Reconsider why you are with her. Are you always trying to please others? Do you handle criticism better than compliments? Do you like to be with people who challenge you to the point that every relationship is a struggle? Focus on yourself and your dynamic with others. My guess is that you are hard on yourself and seek out others who are going to be hard on you, too. Listen to your gut on this one. I think you wrote me this letter because deep down you know you don’t want to be treated this way. I’m giving you permission to walk away — run if you can.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week:  If you identify as an introvert, maybe large networking gatherings aren’t for you. Instead, choose smaller events, invite a few people out for lunch or coffee, and focus on the quality of connections over quantity. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My husband recently forgot my birthday, and it was a big one. I turned 40 and was expecting something out of the ordinary. I thought maybe he would plan a getaway for us, a dinner party, or at the very least flowers and a card. I got nothing. I am so hurt by him. When I told him that I was upset, he just shrugged and said, “What do you want me to do?” It really upset me. I shouldn’t have to ask for something for my birthday and I shouldn’t have to plan it. I have been so mad and we haven’t talked about it since. It’s been really awkward in our house — I can tell he’s walking on eggshells around me, but he hasn’t made any effort otherwise. Is it on me to break the ice? I feel like he should be apologizing. If he doesn’t say he’s sorry, how can I let go of this?

-- BIRTHDAY BLUES

DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: It shouldn’t be on you to break the ice, but considering he seems pretty dense, you may have to do it. The fact that he forgot your 40th birthday, was not remorseful about it and made no attempt to fix the situation is a relationship red flag. If you don’t care about your partner’s feelings or acknowledge important milestones, how can you grow together? I would say this: “I was hurt when you forgot my birthday. More than anything, I was upset you didn’t seem to care that you forgot. Can you explain to me why you reacted so flippantly? I want to be with someone who respects me and loves me, and I am not feeling that way right now in this relationship. I’m having a hard time moving past this.” Notice that I made the language specific and focused on your feelings. If you say things like “you always…” or “you never…,” it could lead him to deflect and become defensive. Keep it specific to how you felt and provide real space for that conversation to unfold. Maybe he’s embarrassed by his behavior. Maybe he’s annoyed with himself. I hope he is. I hope that he recognizes how he hurt you. But I also hope he is willing to repair the relationship by acknowledging your feelings, apologizing and doing something to make up for it. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we handle fixing the relationship that matters.

DEAR NATALIE: My wife has a busy life and a hectic work schedule. We have two small children and she works full-time as a lawyer. I am also a lawyer, but she always seems to have more to do than me. Whenever we are home from work, there’s homework to do, dinner to make and clothes to put away. I keep telling her it’ll get done, but then she becomes exasperated with me. “Who’s going to do it?” she says. I have offered to get a cleaning service or a part-time nanny to help her, but she says that there are better things to spend money on. At the end of the day, she’s exhausted and really irritable toward me. I want to do something to make her feel better, like a vacation, but I’m worried she will say that we don’t have time for it. What can I do to make her happier? I don’t want this to hurt our relationship. -- FRUSTRATED HUSBAND

DEAR FRUSTRATED HUSBAND: I want you to look up the term “emotional labor.” I want you to study what you just wrote to me. Reflect. Recognize your role in all of this. Your wife is doing the same job as you, but when she comes home, her role as house manager kicks in and your work appears done. She has every right to be irritable and exasperated — she feels like everything at home is falling on her shoulders. Instead of offering to hire a cleaning service, fold the laundry when you see it in the dryer. (You do know where your dryer is, right?) Instead of asking what you can do to “help,” take a proactive role as a partner: See what needs to be done and just do it. Also, don’t expect a pat on the back for doing dishes, vacuuming, getting the kids ready for bed or cooking a meal. Show that you care instead of asking her why she’s stressed. A vacation is only a band-aid.  Equity should be in the home as well as the workplace. The real work begins when you show up for your household like you do at your job. Both of you will be less stressed when you share the load.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Wearing a name tag at a networking event? Add something fun to yours, like what your specialty is at work, or better yet, your favorite hobby, flavor of ice cream or something that might make someone take a second look, smile and start up a conversation!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)