DEAR NATALIE: My husband recently forgot my birthday, and it was a big one. I turned 40 and was expecting something out of the ordinary. I thought maybe he would plan a getaway for us, a dinner party, or at the very least flowers and a card. I got nothing. I am so hurt by him. When I told him that I was upset, he just shrugged and said, “What do you want me to do?” It really upset me. I shouldn’t have to ask for something for my birthday and I shouldn’t have to plan it. I have been so mad and we haven’t talked about it since. It’s been really awkward in our house — I can tell he’s walking on eggshells around me, but he hasn’t made any effort otherwise. Is it on me to break the ice? I feel like he should be apologizing. If he doesn’t say he’s sorry, how can I let go of this?

-- BIRTHDAY BLUES

DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: It shouldn’t be on you to break the ice, but considering he seems pretty dense, you may have to do it. The fact that he forgot your 40th birthday, was not remorseful about it and made no attempt to fix the situation is a relationship red flag. If you don’t care about your partner’s feelings or acknowledge important milestones, how can you grow together? I would say this: “I was hurt when you forgot my birthday. More than anything, I was upset you didn’t seem to care that you forgot. Can you explain to me why you reacted so flippantly? I want to be with someone who respects me and loves me, and I am not feeling that way right now in this relationship. I’m having a hard time moving past this.” Notice that I made the language specific and focused on your feelings. If you say things like “you always…” or “you never…,” it could lead him to deflect and become defensive. Keep it specific to how you felt and provide real space for that conversation to unfold. Maybe he’s embarrassed by his behavior. Maybe he’s annoyed with himself. I hope he is. I hope that he recognizes how he hurt you. But I also hope he is willing to repair the relationship by acknowledging your feelings, apologizing and doing something to make up for it. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we handle fixing the relationship that matters.

DEAR NATALIE: My wife has a busy life and a hectic work schedule. We have two small children and she works full-time as a lawyer. I am also a lawyer, but she always seems to have more to do than me. Whenever we are home from work, there’s homework to do, dinner to make and clothes to put away. I keep telling her it’ll get done, but then she becomes exasperated with me. “Who’s going to do it?” she says. I have offered to get a cleaning service or a part-time nanny to help her, but she says that there are better things to spend money on. At the end of the day, she’s exhausted and really irritable toward me. I want to do something to make her feel better, like a vacation, but I’m worried she will say that we don’t have time for it. What can I do to make her happier? I don’t want this to hurt our relationship. -- FRUSTRATED HUSBAND

DEAR FRUSTRATED HUSBAND: I want you to look up the term “emotional labor.” I want you to study what you just wrote to me. Reflect. Recognize your role in all of this. Your wife is doing the same job as you, but when she comes home, her role as house manager kicks in and your work appears done. She has every right to be irritable and exasperated — she feels like everything at home is falling on her shoulders. Instead of offering to hire a cleaning service, fold the laundry when you see it in the dryer. (You do know where your dryer is, right?) Instead of asking what you can do to “help,” take a proactive role as a partner: See what needs to be done and just do it. Also, don’t expect a pat on the back for doing dishes, vacuuming, getting the kids ready for bed or cooking a meal. Show that you care instead of asking her why she’s stressed. A vacation is only a band-aid.  Equity should be in the home as well as the workplace. The real work begins when you show up for your household like you do at your job. Both of you will be less stressed when you share the load.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Wearing a name tag at a networking event? Add something fun to yours, like what your specialty is at work, or better yet, your favorite hobby, flavor of ice cream or something that might make someone take a second look, smile and start up a conversation!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My friend and I recently visited a small ethnic restaurant. The restaurant owner himself took our order: a large appetizer platter we intended to share. My friend asked if she could also get a small soup since only a regular sized bowl was listed on the menu. He said "yes." I clearly stated I was not interested in anything additional. Shortly he returned with two bowls of soup and placed one of them in front of me. I reminded him that I had declined any soup. At that point, he sat down at our table, moved my soup in front of himself, and ate the entire bowl. When we received the bill, he had charged us the full menu price. I thought this was highly objectionable behavior for a restaurateur. I usually am not uncomfortable speaking out if I am not pleased with restaurant service, but my friend urged me not to say anything. Not wanting to ruin our night, I kept my mouth shut. What are your thoughts, Natalie? How would you have handled this situation?-- UNAPPETIZING

DEAR UNAPPETIZING: I would have definitely said something. Your friend might be one of those “let’s not rock the boat” types, but that’s how you end up getting walked on and paying the price for it. His bizarre behavior is what concerns me more than the extra soup, to be honest. The fact that he sat at your table, ate soup you didn’t ask for, and then charged you for the soup that he ate is unacceptable. This isn’t how a restaurant owner should act. Maybe there was a miscommunication about the soup, but the fact that he  sat at your table to eat it is incredibly awkward, strange and inappropriate. I definitely would have told him that I was not paying for the soup. I also would have told him that we didn’t feel comfortable with him interrupting our meal by sitting with us and eating food we didn’t order. Moving forward, I would post a review about your experience on a restaurant feedback site and never dine there again.

DEAR NATALIE: I’m dating someone new and things are going great except in the food department. I am a meat eater. I love meat, I eat meat, I hunt meat, it’s my thing. My new partner is vegan and gluten-free. Going out to dinner has been quite a challenge. He came over the other night and we got into an actual fight about where we should eat. I feel as though he is judgmental about food and he feels as though I’m inflexible. I don’t want this to cause a rift between us, but honestly, the thought of cooking dinner for him makes me break out in a cold sweat. Is there any way through this without one of us ending up on the chopping block?  -- LET’S “MEAT” IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR LET’S “MEAT” IN THE MIDDLE: The word “compromise” comes to mind here. The truth is your diet is more flexible than his. If he doesn’t eat gluten, dairy and meat, respecting that is key. You both will have to research restaurants where there are foods for him. You eat meat, but you can eat vegetables and grains and other items, so your choices will always be more varied wherever you dine. If you have to sacrifice eating meat once in a while when you go out to dinner, is that so bad? Now, when you eat in, he should be more proactive in cooking for you and to make foods that you can both enjoy. If he doesn’t want to cook meat for ethical or health reasons, you can always do that part on a separate skillet and then incorporate it into whatever dish you are eating together. Veganism is a lifestyle for many people. It isn’t just about animals or health, but it can be about the environment and the way you look at the world. Being with a hunter who enjoys meat may really be a struggle for him. You may feel judged because he is trying to figure out how to date someone whose beliefs are so different from his own. Both of you can work on being more flexible by reading literature outside of your personal belief systems, discussing ideas and, more importantly, trying new foods together. Have you ever made a gluten-free, vegan dish? You may love it! Think of something that you really enjoy and then find a way to do a version of that so he can try it as well. There is a way to “meat” in the middle, so to speak, but it will all be based on mutual trust and understanding. Take baby steps forward, communicate your feelings and keep an open mind.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Be aware of your body language. Are you slouched and looking uninterested? Have your arms crossed or appear agitated? People react to your physicality before they decide to approach you, so remember: Smile, engage in conversation and keep your body language open and positive!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years and we are crazy about each other. I definitely see wedding bells in our future. Recently, he was offered a fantastic opportunity in another city. He said I should move with him and we can get a place together. I agreed and was excited until I talked to my friends. They were like, “Why would you move without a commitment (i.e., a ring)?” and “why would you give up everything for him?” I was shocked by their reaction and now I have two questions: Should I move to a new city and live with him without a ring? And should I be mad at my friends? I don’t think they are being supportive, but I don’t know what to do now. I’m utterly confused. 

-- MOVE FOR LOVE?

DEAR MOVE FOR LOVE: Follow your gut. You were excited about this until your friends clouded your initial reaction. You have to ask yourself: “Is this what I want? Do I want to move? Do I want to try and see where this relationship can go?” If you can believe it can go the distance, then take a leap of faith. But first you should ask him where he thinks this relationship is going. Tell him that you want to move, but it is a big jump and he needs to be aware of what you are sacrificing. If you expect an engagement soon, tell him. Gauge his response and reaction. If he’s on the same page, I say go big or go home. But reassess if he doesn’t seem interested in an engagement or feels moving in is the next step without marriage in the cards. What do you want? You can be wildly in love with someone and it still may not work out — you must have the same vision of the future. Reflect on what you want and need. As for your friends, don’t judge them too harshly. They have your best interest at heart, hopefully, and are probably asking you the tough questions to make sure you’ve fully considered the future. Plus — and they may never admit this to you — they may not want you to move because they’ll miss you. Humans are complicated creatures.

DEAR NATALIE: My father and I haven’t spoken in a long time and he is engaged to be married. I’ve never met the woman he is marrying, but he sent me an invite in the mail. When I was coming out years ago, he didn’t accept it and we grew apart. Now that I am happily married to a wonderful guy, I find myself wanting to reconnect with my father. We want to start a family soon and I would like for our future children to meet him. I think this invitation is his olive branch, but my husband says I shouldn’t get my hopes up for a reconciliation. I do expect an apology before I go to the wedding. Do you think I should call him?  -- FEELING FATHERLESS

DEAR FEELING FATHERLESS: I’m so sorry that your father didn’t accept you when you came out to him. Rejection from a family member can hurt so much and run so deep. I agree that this invite is an olive branch. He may be ashamed of his behavior when he turned you away instead of embracing and loving you for who you are. Maybe he realized what he did was wrong, but he can’t find the words to tell you. However, this does not replace an apology. You deserve one, you need one and I don’t know how you could move forward without one. There needs to be a call before you see him again. This RSVP gives you the perfect excuse. Tell him that you need to talk before you agree to attend the wedding. Hopefully, this will propel him into apologizing immediately. It may not. Either way, you deserve to tell him how you feel and how he hurt you when he shunned you. In a perfect world, he would call you to make amends, but sometimes people need us to meet them where they are. Take this situation as an invitation to perhaps heal. You don’t have to forget what he did to you, but hopefully there is a way to forgive and begin again.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t interrupt. Remember, the point of networking is to learn about the other person, so give them an opportunity to speak. You don’t have to dominate the conversation to seem interested in what they are saying. Allow them space to share.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)