DEAR NATALIE: I am a 40-something whose first marriage ended in divorce. I have three children with my ex-wife. After the divorce, I just about left everything to my ex — house and everything in it — so that my children’s lives would remain as normal as possible. Since then, my ex packed up and moved out of state. It has taken me close to eight years to rebuild my life, especially since I pay a healthy child support. I finally own a house again and have been able to put a little money back on my 401K. I’m finally not living paycheck to paycheck. I also met a wonderful woman over two years ago who I adore, and we are engaged. I have never been someone to care for someone else’s stuff and have worked hard for what I have, but I have a dilemma. My fiancée doesn't have much, but she has saved up some money for buying a new house. We live in my current home, but she still wants to move to a different town and buy a house together. We don't plan to have any children together. Having gone through a divorce and losing a lot, I admit that I am afraid of losing everything again. Am I out of line to ask for a prenuptial agreement? 

We briefly talked about it once before we got engaged, but the conversation needs to happen again soon and I am not sure how to bring it up. I also want her to know that I am not interested in what she has and would like for her to feel that whatever she brings into the marriage, she keeps in case of a split. I adore and love her. I know that the fear comes from my past and that I am not getting any younger. If I have any chance to ever retire, I can't take any step backward financially. We are a great couple together and I don't want to give her the wrong impression.-- MR. TORN

DEAR MR. TORN: You shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about wanting to protect your financial future. You have been through it and it is understandable that you’re nervous. Approach the topic gently — it seems as though she is already aware of your past financial struggles, and communication is key.  Yes, love is the most powerful force in the world, I believe that to be true. Yes, it can overcome anything. But, that doesn’t mean you have to lose your head when you are in love. Be honest and say to her what you wrote to me. This isn’t about your relationship uncertainty; this is about learning from the past. Sit down together with a mediator and hash out what you could both live with should the marriage not work out as planned. Think about your prenup as relationship insurance and nothing more. Hopefully, you will never need it, but if you do, at least you put something in place while you were both in love and kind to one another.

DEAR NATALIE:  I had a bad falling out with a good friend a few years ago. We haven’t spoken since. It was over money, but looking back, it was really petty. She owed me a few hundred dollars and it turned into a passive aggressive situation. We stopped talking and I never got the money. She wasn’t on social media for a long time, but I recently noticed she was back on Instagram. Part of me wants to reach out, but the other part feels like she was the one in the wrong and she should apologize to me. What do you think? I miss her and I would like to reconnect. I don’t expect to be paid back but I’m willing to let it go if she acknowledges it. -- MONEY PROBLEMS

DEAR MONEY PROBLEMS: Money and friends don’t mix well. It’s always a good idea to keep this in mind when loaning money to a friend: 1) Can I afford to lose this money? 2) I’ll treat this as a gift to them. If they pay me back, wonderful. If they don’t, I won’t set myself up to become angry and resentful. 3) If you can’t commit to one and two, don’t loan anyone money. Period. I’m sure it did become awkward over time, expecting her to repay you and then never getting any money back. Maybe she forgot, maybe she couldn’t pay it back and felt embarrassed, maybe she misunderstood the situation. Whatever the case, I’m sorry it led to the demise of your friendship. Now that you are in a different place, can you move forward and put this in the past? How important to you is that apology? I wouldn’t reach out unless you are certain you can move on from this, because it’s clear you’re still not over it. I don’t blame you. From your perspective, it’s hard to have respect for someone that you see as perhaps ungrateful or unaware of how she treated you. Maybe she will apologize and you can both move forward. There’s only one way to find out. Go for it and see where the chips fall.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Follow through with your words. If you commit to an event, go. If you promise to call and set up a meeting, do it. People will judge you by your actions and will reciprocate based on their own experience firsthand.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were totally traumatized by our abusive mother growing up. It really impacted us both differently. I have sought therapy and moved away from the city where we grew up. I don’t really talk to my mother often because when I do, it becomes heated really quickly, with both of us saying hurtful things. My brother, on the other hand, has stayed close to my mother and resents me for leaving. He even took her side on more than one occasion. It is astounding to me that after all the abuse we experienced as kids that he can be around her. It has really put a strain on our relationship, too. I love my brother so much and want to have him in my life, especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child this spring. But how can I move forward if he won’t acknowledge what she did to us? -- WANTS HER BROTHER BACK

DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.

DEAR NATALIE:  My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and I recently moved in with him. He is a good person, overall, but there is one major issue that concerns me: He sometimes doesn’t come home when he says he is going to and has stumbled into our place at 5 or 6 a.m. I can always smell beer on him, like he’s been out drinking all night. I’ve even had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, which really stresses me out. I am not much of a drinker, and when we go out, I usually drive or we take an Uber. But I am also not a babysitter. I really love him and don’t want us to fall apart because of this, but whenever I bring it up, he calls me names and tells me to stop “harassing” him. He becomes so defensive I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Any suggestions? -- NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY

DEAR NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY: He’s becoming defensive and deflecting his behavior because deep-down, whether he is conscious of it or not, he knows his behavior is hurting your relationship. This drinking is clearly becoming a problem. The fact that he is coming home late, that you have had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, and that he lies to you about when he is coming home is all problematic. If he has a dependency on alcohol, and it sounds as though he might, this issue isn’t just going away. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and set boundaries. I also want you to view the word “love” as a verb. His actions are not loving when he berates you. You don’t have to accept that behavior. The next time you challenge him on how much he is drinking and he verbally accosts you, I would say this: “It’s hurts me and our relationship when you belittle me every time I try to address something out of concern and love. If you don’t work on yourself, I don’t know how we can move forward in our relationship. I love you, but I won’t allow anyone to verbally abuse me. I am here to support you, but I also deserve respect.” Relationships can survive substance abuse if everyone involved is willing to do their part. But if he isn’t yet willing to acknowledge that his drinking hurts your relationship, you may have to reevaluate. Remember, if he is indeed dealing with substance abuse issues, that addiction is a disease and everyone experiencing addiction need compassion. But you’re right — you aren’t his babysitter. Things most likely won’t get better on their own unless he gets help. At the very least, I would seek counseling for yourself so you can deal with the situation constructively. Don’t stay with anyone just because you love them. Love isn’t enough. You need mutual trust and respect, too.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Know your crowd. Different networking or philanthropic events draw different audiences, so keep that in mind as you navigate the scene and chat with people. You want to meet people where they are, share your story and, most importantly, ask open-ended questions so they will share theirs.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship. But recently, he has been really weird about his phone. Every time I come around, he grabs it and pretends like he was looking at something important. It’s starting to make me paranoid. Then, when he was in the shower, I took his phone to look on it (I know, that’s bad, but I was really suspicious) and he changed his password. We always had each other’s passwords so now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s cheating on me? -- PHONE ALERT

DEAR PHONE ALERT: This must be a relatively new behavior since it has taken you by surprise. You could play this two ways. You could come out directly and just ask him what is going on. You could say something like, “I know this is going to sound weird, but you’ve been really possessive about your phone lately. I am not trying to jump to conclusions, but I am wondering why?” Or you could take a slightly “sneakier” approach and say something like, “I forgot your password to your phone, what is it again?” If he gets defensive, especially when he hadn’t been defensive about it in the past, a red flag would go up for me. But, if he says something like, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, work (or something) has been crazy lately and I’ve been dealing with a lot on my plate…,” then maybe it’s nothing. At the end of the day, follow your instincts but remain calm until you have enough information to know what’s best to do for you.

DEAR NATALIE:  I witnessed my sister, Clara, being really hard on her daughter, Olive, recently over food. My niece is on the “chubby” side, but who cares? She’s a sweet, healthy and smart 11-year-old kid. She went to have a few Christmas cookies at my house and my sister told her she needed to “quit indulging.” My niece looked really sad and put them back, but later I saw her sneak a few upstairs. I didn’t say anything but it has really been bothering me. I don’t know if my sister is honestly aware that she body-shamed her daughter. My sister is really beautiful and very particular about her appearance. She’s very disciplined about food and cooks really healthy meals for her family. What’s the harm in a few cookies? Should I say anything? I just don’t want my niece to grow up equating her worth to her waist size like so many of us do. -- NOT SO SWEET

DEAR NOT SO SWEET: Eleven-year-olds shouldn’t be fat shamed. Period. Ever. End of conversation. Your sister did so unknowingly because I am sure she has internalized her own issues of food and need for perfection in her mind. Restricting what/how much her daughter can and cannot eat, may lead to the behavior that you witnessed, which is sneaking food. This could turn into disordered eating and possibly bigger issues as she gets older. Your niece is approaching puberty. It’s a time where many young people feel awkward, emotionally fragile, confused, uncomfortable in their bodies, and insecure. I truly believe every parent is doing the best they can with what they have. Your sister probably thinks she is being helpful to her daughter. Maybe say something like, “Hey, I noticed the other day that Olive went for a few of those awesome cookies and you told her to stop indulging. I’m just concerned that phrases like that may make her feel weird about eating in front of you. I know you love her more than anything, but I’ve been doing some reading and thought I would share some of the new ways to approach things like this for the future because I know you would never want Olive to feel badly about her body or herself …” There is a lot of helpful literature out there on this topic and I suggest you do a little reading before you approach your sister. Hopefully, once she realizes that her words really matter, she may think twice before shaming cookies out of her daughter’s hands again.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Even if you are nervous about going to a networking event, try to arrive on time or even early. There will be fewer people to contend with, which means making connections will be easier.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)