DEAR NATALIE: I feel blessed (as does my spouse) to have met and married after many years of dating duds. We are both mature and established in our careers. My spouse had a tendency to allow his few friends to take advantage of him, financially, however. He discusses it often but only with me. So fast forward to me using his friends for their expertise (only once for each), and they do the same to me. The friends are attorneys and one is in finance. I am in the health care profession. To give you an example: The accountant offered to handle a financial issue for me but would not discuss his fee. I had a quote from another accountant, but my husband’s friend said that he would do the work for less due to my husband’s and his friendship. However, he billed me at the end for more than twice what the other accountant quoted me, and he threatened to affect my credit if I did not pay. My husband agrees that he was wrong but seems powerless to confront any of them when these types of things happen. So now I look like the nut job wife that this poor guy married because I was upset.I am not going to leave him; this does not define us. But it has cost me financially, and I want to put my foot down. I am aware that he had these friends for years, and no friendship is perfect. But I am really struggling with how they disrespect both myself and my husband. Do I make amends and sweep all of their blatant infractions under the proverbial rug for him or stand on my own? — DON’T MESS WITH MY MONEY

DEAR DON’T MESS WITH MY MONEY: I can’t help but think of the phrase: ‘Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,’ which seems to ring true here. You know now that these guys can’t be trusted. It’s one thing for your husband to want to be friends with these shady guys, but that doesn’t mean that you have to go along with this nonsense. Clearly, your husband is a follower, not a leader. So, you need to be the alpha here and take control of this situation. I would tell your husband under no circumstances are you ever doing business with any of these guys again. You aren’t offering any of your professional support or services to any of them, and frankly, you want nothing to do with them. If he wants to go out with them once in a while, that’s his choice, but make it very clear that you think these guys are bad news. You cannot control who your husband is hanging out with, but you can step in when it comes to the finances. I would make it clear that doing any business with them is a terrible idea, and you won’t support any of those decisions in the future. At the end of the day, you are his wife. These guys are just his friends. He needs to recognize that. Don’t back down if you see him making bad decisions. Remind him that you are only concerned for him and love him. You want what is in his best interest and someone better because these guys definitely do not.

DEAR NATALIE: My longtime partner and I have just split up, and we share a dog. Technically, he bought the dog before we met, but I have basically taken on all the responsibilities with the dog and take care of it much more than he does. In fact, he doesn’t even really seem to care much about her. It’s just now that we have broken up, he wants to keep her just to hurt me. I offered to take her with me when I moved out, but he said no. I worry that he neglects her and doesn’t care for her like I do. I asked him if I could come and visit the dog, and he just rolled his eyes at me. He said, “You are so weak, and this is why everyone walks all over you. It’s just a dog. Get your own.” My heart is broken. Not over the loss of our relationship but over losing Daisy. She is so sweet and deserves better than him ignoring her all day. How can I get her back? — DUTIFUL DOG DAD MISSES DAISY

DEAR DUTIFUL DOG DAD MISSES DAISY: I’m so sorry that your ex is being selfish. He clearly is doing this to hurt you, and unfortunately, he is also hurting an innocent animal in the process. But, I wouldn’t continue to push. Let it die down for a while. He may realize that he actually doesn’t want to take care of the dog and may be willing to give her to you in a few months once emotions have settled. In the meantime, you should think about fostering another dog that could use a safe and loving home. All that love has to go somewhere. You might as well honor Daisy by sharing your space with another sweet pup!

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” your mom probably said. She was right. Especially at networking events, don’t eat the appetizers until you are done networking. No one wants to talk to people with their mouths full or with garlic breath.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: I am a 36-year-old man in love with an amazing woman. We’ve known each other since high school and have held each other up through the roughest times in our lives — my divorce and depression, her ill father and abusive ex-boyfriend. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s great with my kids to the point that I could imagine her as the perfect stepmom to them. A few weeks ago, I took a chance and expressed my feelings for her. She rejected me, then acted as if nothing had happened. She continued texting me regularly and tagging me on social media as though she expected nothing to change. I asked her to stop contacting me, but that made her irrationally angry. She says I’m throwing away a 20-year friendship, but she is the one throwing it away. She says she “misses” her “best friend,” but I have plenty of friends. What I need is a romantic partner. I feel as though she is trying to have things both ways, keeping me around as long as it suits her but never too close. How do I get her to get off the fence and make up her mind? To either decide that she wants to be with me properly or to decide that she doesn’t and let me go on my way without her complicating things? -- LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME

DEAR LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME: You know what you need to do. In a way, you already did it and found her answer. When you told her your feelings and she rebuffed you, ignored you and then proceeded to act as though nothing had happened, that really said it all. Move on from her. Cut off communication with her and recognize that perhaps she was a crutch to you when you needed one, but now what you need is someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been trying to deal with my husband’s infidelity for a while now. He had been having an affair a few years back, but when I confronted him, he stopped. Recently, we decided to sell our house and separate to see if living apart would be the solution. I found out that he has a girlfriend who has been staying at his new place. I am livid. It was his idea to get separate spaces saying that “he needed time to think” and instead he’s just with another woman. What should I do? We have two college-aged children and they are sick and tired of seeing us like this. My children think that we should divorce once and for all but I still have my hesitations about that. I don’t like the idea of being divorced. What do you think is the best route forward?  — DIVORCE OR STAY

DEAR DIVORCE OR STAY: Leave him. Think of the example you are setting for your children. What does it say to them to have them see your husband to continually disrespect you in this way? They are watching everything that you do, and if they see this behavior, they could be likely to mimic it in their own relationships down the road. If nothing else, please start seeking counseling to help you deal with some of the deeply rooted issues that are preventing you from moving forward in your life. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Redirect your energy to things that make you feel good about yourself. This drama is for the birds.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: When you are at a networking event, take care not to overindulge in alcohol. Sometimes we reach for a drink when we are nervous, but make sure you keep your wits about you. You only want people to have a good impression of you, not a sloppy one.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé wants to “share” with another couple. She’s considerably younger than me, so I understand that we may be in different places in our lives, but the idea of being with another woman does nothing for me. I am in love with her and I’m a one-woman-kind-of-guy. I tried to explain that I wasn’t interested, but she got upset about it. We are supposed to get married next month. I’m 46 and she’s 29. Do you think she’s just having cold feet or do you think she’s been cheating on me? I am not sure what to do. I love her and don’t want to lose her. -- NO SHARING

DEAR NO SHARING: While these conversations can be uncomfortable, I applaud you both for speaking up as to what you need and want from each other, but marriage is a huge commitment and if she is having any doubts, better to pump the breaks now and work this out, then to jump into it and end up divorced by this time next year. I have no idea if she’s cheating, but the fact that she is willing to discuss what she wants is a good sign, because at least it means she does care about your perspective and thoughts on the situation. Part of this is an age thing, too, you are right. She hasn’t had as many life experiences as you have, and maybe she is nervous about the idea of being with the same person for the rest of her life. Whatever is going on needs to be sorted out sooner than later. Is she able to give up the idea of “sharing” in order to marry you? Is she willing to do that? Are you willing to let her have experiences outside of your relationship to appease her? What are your deal breakers and what are hers? I recommend you both write them down and see if there is any intersection or ability to compromise. If there is, great. If there isn’t, you may want to reconsider walking down the aisle and save yourselves both a lot of heartache in the process.

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I just celebrated our 30 year anniversary, but in 2016, I found out about an affair that my wife was having. I suspected there had been something going on for a couple of years but every time I asked my wife she denied it and said that she and our neighbor were just friends. I found cell phones three different times. The first one was a cell phone from a co-worker in the bottom of her purse. She said it was for work in case he needed to get a hold of her. I didn’t believe it and she got rid of the phone. Then she started going to play racquetball with our neighbor who is single. I was traveling a lot and she was encouraging me to travel. I got suspicious in January 2014 when she began preparing a meal on a Sunday and I was traveling and asked who it was for and she said a homeless family. I left and when I tried to contact her by cell phone she didn’t respond for two hours. I asked her to send me a picture of the people she made the meal for and she sent me a picture of the stove top with the food on it. When I asked her to send me a picture of the people she began yelling at me. I then found another cell phone on Mother’s Day 2014 when she left it in her dresser drawer with messages to our neighbor on it. She again said they were just friends and got rid of the phone. This kind of behavior had been on-going for three years. She joined the club to play racquetball with this guy and pretty soon it was four times a week. The guy moved out of the neighborhood but nearby. We separated for five months (fourth separation in three years). She came back but she is still being very private about a lot of things. I have asked her to go to counseling but she said it didn’t work for us the last time. I told her it didn’t work because she wasn’t ready to quit the affair and be honest. This has caused me to drink more heavily and in September 2017 I got a DWI. I am pretty much through all the court stuff now but will be on probation for 4 years. I have been sober for 13 weeks and go to AA on Monday nights. My wife drank until recently but has told me she can keep it under control. She doesn’t want to stop drinking. Our kids don’t think she can but she refuses to get help. There are still signs I believe she is still having an affair. I recently found $250 hidden behind some clothes and she continues to drink and then apologize about many things. I have found out more from her friends about other affairs she denies. My brothers and friends ask me why I continue to try to keep this going. I honestly don’t have a good answer but I want to find a support group to help me. Any help will be appreciated. — FEELING HOPELESS ABOUT MARRIAGE

DEAR FEELING HOPELESS ABOUT MARRIAGE: You need to separate. Even if you aren’t ready to divorce her, living in the same house with her is hurting you. The drinking, the lying, the cheating, no wonder you feel defeated and hopeless. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Separate and continue therapy alone and work on yourself. When you have been with someone who has treated you so poorly for so long, it can be hard to imagine what a life without that person feels like. There’s a freedom in that, but also fear of the unknown, too. There are so many trust issues here, so many layers to unpack, and nothing can be built on a foundation of sand. If she isn't able to be monogamous and that is the expectation you have, you can't continue to live like this. Divorce, move forward, find some peace. She clearly has her own demons to contend with and being in this marriage together is toxic. I know it can be hard to let go, but the longer you continue down this path, I worry for what your future may bring. Take some time apart, focus on yourself and when you get the courage to file for divorce, do it. Your health and happiness are worth more than this toxic woman. Set yourself free by setting both of you free.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Instead of asking someone the dreaded “What do you do?” question, try this instead: “Working on anything interesting?” That opens the door to learn more about them professionally, but avoids the trap of getting a resume-like answer.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)