life

Boyfriend lives with sister and she is against your relationship? Proposed marriage and now regretting it?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 24th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I am in my mid 70s and my significant other is in his early 80s. We are both widowed and have been dating for a few years now. Everything was great. We enjoy most of the same things and always seem to have a good time together. He has sisters and brothers and mostly I get along just fine with them. They are just happy that he is happy again. However, he has one sister who came upon hard times. Since he is comfortable financially and has a big home, he invited her to live with him for free. The problem is, she totally dislikes me. It has gotten to the point that if he wants to call me he has to go out to the garage. I used to visit him occasionally at his home, but I can no longer go there unless I ride past the house to see if her car is there or not. She is not even civil to me. I've told him to talk to her in a nice manner about it and suggest that since I mean a lot to him — his words — and make him happy, she should at least be cordial toward me. He says he did talk to her but nothing has changed. She has told him he could do better than me. A few times he has been extremely upset and said he just can't take it anymore from her, but he still he allows it. I don’t know what to do . Am I missing something? Please help. — SAD GIRLFRIEND

DEAR SAD GIRLFRIEND: It is always sad when family comes in the middle of things for no reason. She should be happy if her brother is happy. The only other thing you can do is make it clear to your boyfriend one more time that this is really upsetting you. But don’t expect much. Family is complicated, and he clearly feels compelled to support his sister by bringing her into his home. It sounds to me that she may have some deeper issues going on and is projecting them on to you. If she is unhappy with her own life, maybe she doesn’t want her brother to be happy, either. I feel bad for him that he feels as though he can’t stand up for himself against this woman that he has taken in out of the goodness of his heart. In any case, plan dates that are outside of the home, or meet up at your space if that is possible. It isn’t a perfect situation, but at least for the time being, it’s a Band-aid.

           

           

DEAR NATALIE: I recently got engaged and now realize it was a mistake. I don’t think that I am in love with my fiancé or if I ever was. I felt really pressured by her family to propose, and now I think I want out. Any suggestions? I’m afraid to bring up wanting the ring back, too, which I know she’s going to flip out about. What should I do and when?  — TAKING IT BACK

DEAR TAKING IT BACK: End things sooner than later. If you really did feel pressured into proposing and you’re now regretting this whole situation, you need to tell her. Yes, she is most likely going to freak out. Yes, she probably won’t want to give you the ring back. Yes, she may try to keep it out of spite. You have to decide how much money and sleep you are willing to lose over this. Also meditate on why you allowed someone to push you into proposing in the first place. Are you a people-pleaser? Do you love her but just aren’t ready to get married? Are you going through some other internal struggle but don’t know how to address it? Whatever the situation is, once you end the engagement, you need to take some time for yourself and regroup. Let her down gently, too, and put the blame on yourself. Say something like: “This is such a hard thing to do because I care about you so much, but I rushed this engagement. I realize that I am not ready to get married and need to be on my own for a while.” It won’t be pretty, but you’re doing her a favor by ending things before they go any further. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them.

           

           

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Never treat people as though they are “unimportant.” Sure, there will always be a few VIPs floating around a networking event, but everyone else has value and insight as well. Nurture all connections with the same level of respect and interest.

           

           

Need advice? Send questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com. Follow Natalie on Twitter @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci.

life

Advice for Freelancer Asking for Raise

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 22nd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I have been freelancing for this company for a while and have really helped them revamp their online business to the point where they are making almost double the money they were when I came on board. I'm a single mother and in dire financial straits. I couldn't even afford a new tire recently when mine went flat on my way home from work and feel as though I am entitled to a raise and an offer for a full-time position because of the improvements I've made. But I'm terrified to broach the subject. Any thoughts on how I should go about this? Or should I just not say anything at all? -- UNDERPAID

DEAR UNDERPAID: This is the classic issue women often have when negotiating for a better position, or when looking for a new job. I've read in different studies that women are so afraid that they aren't qualified, they don't apply because they don't believe they would get the job. Then, on the other side of things, you have men who apply for positions even when not qualified. (And they sometimes get the job!) So, what's a girl to do? Take a leap of faith. I have often gone after things that may have been perceived as just out of reach and achieved them because I believed I could do it. I always say to myself, "I will figure this out. If the right opportunity comes along, I will say yes and I will make it work." Call it blind faith, call it stupidity, call it courage, whatever it is, part of success is sometimes thinking less and jumping more. A little risk is good and if you know that you have the ability to adapt, to think on your feet and to learn quickly, you can take almost any opportunity presented and run with it. So, apply for the job, see where the chips fall, but don't count yourself out. If you aren't your own best advocate, you can't expect anyone else to help you. Just go for it!

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Never underestimate the power of the follow-up note. Sending a handwritten thank-you note following a job interview can go a long way. It will reiterate your interest, show that you care and will take the time for things that matter, and put you in the forefront of their minds.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Relatives Didn’t Give Wedding Gifts

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 19th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: On the subject of wedding thank-you's, how do you deal with guests not even giving a gift at all? Our daughter just got married, and we hosted a lovely reception. Numerous relatives (and their plus-ones) traveled in from out of town. They even stayed at our home for a long weekend of celebration. When the bride and groom opened their gifts, only two couples out of the group of 12 gave a gift. Not a thing from the others, not even a card! This summer, they came to this new bride's shower and gave gifts.

In the past, this group of cousins has come to other weddings, graduation parties, etc., without gifts. One family member asked after one of the weddings (in case the gift had gotten lost or stolen), and they showed up the next day with a gift. They are not destitute, nor are they social misfits. Should we bring it up or just write them off for the next family event? -- FAMILY MATTERS

DEAR FAMILY MATTERS: I have to say, I love the "Oh, did your gift get stolen?" and then poof! Magically a gift arrives.

A lot of this is cultural, I believe. Some families teach their children to take gifts when going to someone's home, for a big celebration and to always write a thank-you note, etc. Some families, on the other hand, don't make these niceties a part of their daily lives.

So, what can you really do? It seems petty to me to not invite people just because they don't bring a gift. If you really like them, you may have to look beyond this. On the other hand, if you do decide to write them off and not invite them to family events and they call you asking why -- well, you may have to have a very awkward conversation. Practice it with someone, and if it feels petty when you say it out loud, just invite them. Better to have everyone together than exclude a few because they have poor manners. (Besides, you can always feel superior inside, which is a fun game relatives love to do with one another.)

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Speak your truth. If you want something, whether it is a promotion, a new job or new opportunities, they come to those who openly talk about them. The first step to anything is putting out feelers to your network. You've been building relationships. Now tap into them!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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