life

Busy Schedules Hurting Romance

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 5th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I have been dating this woman for a few months now, and while we have a great time together, we don't really see each other as often as I would like, and it is hard to build a relationship through text messaging. How do I explain to her that while I know she has a busy schedule (she is a surgeon, and I work in finance), I really want to make sure that we make time for each other if we are going to grow as a couple? -- DATING A DOC

DEAR DATING A DOC: It can be challenging to date someone with a hectic schedule, especially when you, yourself, are very busy. It sounds as if you really care about her and your relationship or you wouldn't be stressing over this. Try a little "meta-communicating" to help things move forward. "Wait, what's that?" So glad you asked. It's communicating about your communication. Sound a little weird? It actually can help anyone's relationships improve. The next time you are together, talk to her about how the communication between the two of you could be better. Explain to her that while texting can get you through the day, it is important that you connect with each other in meaningful, substantial ways. Whether that's a 10-minute phone call at the end of the day or early in the morning, or whether that means no phones when you're together at dinner, there are ways to improve how you spend your time.

She may just say, "Look, this is my life. I'm busy. I have a crazy job. Take it or leave it." In that case, you may ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship, and why you're putting yourself in one with someone who seems emotionally unavailable as well as hard to reach. You may realize that maybe her lifestyle and yours just aren't a good fit. Relationships are so much more than just being in love (or lust), and you need to have the same vision of the future to have any hope of it lasting. However, if she acknowledges that her schedule is insane and would also like to spend more time together, find out now. If you are on the same page, get on a schedule for communicating regularly through the day and make solid plans to see each other at least twice a week. Sounds lame, but trust me, it will benefit you in the long run and help you stay close even when you are miles away.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Want to redesign your engagement ring like Meghan Markle? Friend sent you a text about you accidentally?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 3rd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I recently saw that Meghan Markle redesigned her engagement ring. I have been wanting to do the same. My husband and I have been married for about 6 months and I really do not like the ring. He designed it himself, but it’s just not my style. I am thinking that it might be OK to just redesign it since the wedding is over. What do you think? When I approached him about this, he was really upset. I don’t know why. It’s just jewelry. I’m the one who has to wear it. Thoughts? —REDO THE RING

DEAR REDO THE RING: I have really mixed feelings about this situation. I thought it was really tacky that Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, redesigned her ring so soon after the royal wedding. I know she is trying to cultivate an image of a giving and friendly person, but the ring issue only made her look materialistic and shallow. Now, clearly, you are not in the exact same position. People you don’t know aren’t judging you from a distance with no clue as to the greater context of the situation. And while I understand that you don’t like your engagement ring, there is something to be said about the sentimentality of your husband creating this for you. He proposed to you with this ring. He put effort into creating it and hoped that you would love it as much as he did. Clearly, he missed the mark. And it’s true, you are the one that has to wear it everyday. But before you redesign it completely, try to think about what it represents to you. Ask your husband to be a part of the redesign, which may make him feel a little less salty about this whole situation. Perhaps you should try and keep one or two elements of the ring that you actually do like, whether it’s the size of the band or the amount of stones he used to create it. But, after it is recreated, do something to bless this new ring, find a way to honor it now. You want that ring to carry with you only good energy and lots of love, so make an affirmation acknowledging that love shifts and changes and grows. As long as you and your husband grow together, the world is full of wonderful possibilities.

           

           

DEAR NATALIE:  My “friend” accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else. It wasn’t a nice text, either. It was about me. I felt really taken aback by it and hurt. Now she isn’t texting me back when I asked her to explain herself. Is this how she wants our relationship to end? — TEXT MESS UP

DEAR TEXT MESS UP: The only thing you can really do is wait this one out. Clearly, your friend is embarrassed. She probably sent the text in a heated moment, didn’t pay much attention to who received it, and is currently breathing into a paper bag in a fit of panic. This is literally the worst nightmare via text message. Since you already responded to the text, see how long it takes her to apologize. She needs to apologize sooner rather than later. But sit back on this one. If she doesn’t respond, then you really know how little this relationship meant to her. At that point, don’t put any effort into mending something that she isn’t willing to work on. If she does respond, hear her out. She should apologize first, then explain herself. Maybe there was something that you did do to upset her but she didn’t know how to talk to you about it. Regardless, talking badly behind your back would make anyone reevaluate the relationships, but see what she has to say, first, before deciding the fate of this friendship.

           

           

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: If the word “networking” scares you, think of it as “relationship building,” instead. Don’t get too in your head about it. Just get out there and make some new friends!

           

           

Need advice? Send questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com. Follow Natalie on Twitter @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci.

life

What to Do About a Bad Gift-Giver

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 1st, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: We have a family member who is fairly well off, yet her gifts are so cheap -- I'm talking dollar store items. Is there any way to approach this subject? Even giving gift ideas does not help. Every holiday is always a disappointment because of this. Any suggestions? -- BAD GIFT-GIVER

DEAR BAD GIFT-GIVER: The operative word here is "gift." We live in a world where everything is at people's fingertips and if you really want something badly, save up for it and buy it. There is no way to approach this topic because it would be rude to say to her, "Hey, moneybags, why are you holding out on us with your cheap gifts?" Gift giving is an art of sorts, and some people are naturally better at it than others. (I personally love to give gifts but always put them in gift bags, because wrapping gifts is another art form, but I digress.)

Be grateful that she is thinking of you at all during the holidays. If it really drives you nuts to open up her less-than-stellar gifts, stop exchanging with her and do something together instead. Go to a nice brunch during the holidays, check out the symphony or take a walk through Phipps.

Keep in mind that the spirit of the holidays is about giving, not receiving, so next year you could ask her to make a donation to your favorite charity instead of giving you a gift you clearly don't want.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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