life

You Must Tell Your Daughter No

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 17th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 19. He invited her to go away with him and his family in August to their summer home. His mother assured me that she will be supervised, but I just don't know how to feel about it. My gut is telling me "no," but I don't want to upset my daughter and make her feel as though I don't trust her. Any thoughts? -- CONFLICTED MOM

DEAR CONFLICTED MOM: Your job as a mother is to upset your daughter. It's part of the fun of being a parent to a teenager. She comes up with a scheme and you foil it. In all seriousness though, sending your daughter away with her older boyfriend is like putting a hungry man in front of a buffet and telling him not to eat. The truth is, sneaking around is half the fun, and if left to their own devices, they are going to hook up. (Not that they probably aren't already, but this is just asking for it to happen ... come on. We were all 17 once.) Tell her no. First, she is underage. Second, you don't know what his parents are like on vacation, and third, he's a hormonal teenager. Yes, there will be tears, tantrums and probably some nasty words, but put your foot down on this one. When she is 18, she can do as she pleases but until then, be the mom she needs (and not necessarily wants) in this moment.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Did someone go out of their way to help you with something or help you to make a connection, land a job or improve your resume? Send them a handwritten thank-you note. The art of being nice never goes out of style and people remember gestures that remind them of their humanity.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Boyfriend Sounds Too Controlling

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 14th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I've been seeing this guy for several months. We are serious and are talking about moving in together. However, every time I stay over, it is very clear to me that there are spaces that are "off limits" to me. Certain things like his office space or his gym space he said I really have no reason to be in, anyway, so what is the big deal if it's an off-limits space? I asked him if I would have my own space then to make it fair, but he isn't willing to give up either of his personal spaces for me to have one (for instance, turning his gym into a home office for me or just sharing the office he already has with me).

I am really perplexed and not sure how to handle this. I want to move the relationship forward, but I feel as if he is hiding something. Any thoughts? -- NO LIMITS PLEASE

DEAR NO LIMITS PLEASE: I do not like the sound of this situation at all. My first thought -- is he cheating? It is very odd that he is dictating to you where you would be able to be in your own home. What do you mean that you couldn't go in his office? What is this, a bad Lifetime movie?

In a space where you coexist, there should be no limits. This is not 1810. You do not have to deal with this utter nonsense.

Reconsider this relationship. I doubt that this is the only thing that he is controlling over. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? He might as well put a sign on his door that says "Keep Out." And if that's the case, you might wear one of those signs around your body for a while ... catch my drift? Next!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Married Man Is Attracted to Colleague

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 10th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I am a married man with children. While my wife and I have been married for many years, our relationship was not always good, and we fought a lot. However, through counseling, we were able to work through it, and I have never cheated on my wife, even when things were rocky between us. My wife and I have a good romantic life, we get along well and are best friends. Our lives are not perfect, but in general we live a good life.

But I have become increasingly attracted to a single female co-worker. It is more than just physical; I have strong feelings for her. We are friends. I have tried everything I know to bury my feelings for her. I mostly avoid her when I can. My co-worker is not more attractive than my wife, but she has other qualities. I have tried everything to get away from her (even attempting to switch jobs), but nothing works. I feel that telling my co-worker about my feelings would be a mistake, because chances are it would make things very, very awkward at work and probably hurt my career. Also, I don't want to tell my wife because it would just hurt her.

I don't know what to do. -- DROWNING

DEAR DROWNING: Like the idea of forbidden fruit, wanting what we don't have always seems sweeter. You already know this is a bad idea and that expressing your emotions to either party will only make the situation worse. Instead of pining for what you can't have, why not tend to your own marriage and try dating your wife again? Sometimes, we take the people we love for granted, assuming that they will always be there. But what if tomorrow she wasn't there when you got up in the morning?

My advice (and I can't take credit for this, my partner said this to me once) is to mythologize your wife. Put her on a pedestal. Turn her into Aphrodite, into Venus, into a goddess that you can adore. Take a moment to transfer that energy you are putting on your co-worker and give it to her instead.

Maybe you are going through an emotional crisis, unsure of where to take your life. If you have a solid foundation with your wife, talk to her about your fears, your dreams, your desires. Be present together and remember why you fell in love. Sometimes, it takes a distraction for us to realize what really matters. And what really matters is the woman next to you day in and day out.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: You aren't going to get along with everyone you meet, but that shouldn't prevent you from reaching out to people with differences to try to find common ground. You may be able to forge friendly relationships and leverage those connections later on. Remember, you get more bees with honey than vinegar!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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