life

Boyfriend Sounds Too Controlling

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 14th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I've been seeing this guy for several months. We are serious and are talking about moving in together. However, every time I stay over, it is very clear to me that there are spaces that are "off limits" to me. Certain things like his office space or his gym space he said I really have no reason to be in, anyway, so what is the big deal if it's an off-limits space? I asked him if I would have my own space then to make it fair, but he isn't willing to give up either of his personal spaces for me to have one (for instance, turning his gym into a home office for me or just sharing the office he already has with me).

I am really perplexed and not sure how to handle this. I want to move the relationship forward, but I feel as if he is hiding something. Any thoughts? -- NO LIMITS PLEASE

DEAR NO LIMITS PLEASE: I do not like the sound of this situation at all. My first thought -- is he cheating? It is very odd that he is dictating to you where you would be able to be in your own home. What do you mean that you couldn't go in his office? What is this, a bad Lifetime movie?

In a space where you coexist, there should be no limits. This is not 1810. You do not have to deal with this utter nonsense.

Reconsider this relationship. I doubt that this is the only thing that he is controlling over. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? He might as well put a sign on his door that says "Keep Out." And if that's the case, you might wear one of those signs around your body for a while ... catch my drift? Next!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Married Man Is Attracted to Colleague

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 10th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I am a married man with children. While my wife and I have been married for many years, our relationship was not always good, and we fought a lot. However, through counseling, we were able to work through it, and I have never cheated on my wife, even when things were rocky between us. My wife and I have a good romantic life, we get along well and are best friends. Our lives are not perfect, but in general we live a good life.

But I have become increasingly attracted to a single female co-worker. It is more than just physical; I have strong feelings for her. We are friends. I have tried everything I know to bury my feelings for her. I mostly avoid her when I can. My co-worker is not more attractive than my wife, but she has other qualities. I have tried everything to get away from her (even attempting to switch jobs), but nothing works. I feel that telling my co-worker about my feelings would be a mistake, because chances are it would make things very, very awkward at work and probably hurt my career. Also, I don't want to tell my wife because it would just hurt her.

I don't know what to do. -- DROWNING

DEAR DROWNING: Like the idea of forbidden fruit, wanting what we don't have always seems sweeter. You already know this is a bad idea and that expressing your emotions to either party will only make the situation worse. Instead of pining for what you can't have, why not tend to your own marriage and try dating your wife again? Sometimes, we take the people we love for granted, assuming that they will always be there. But what if tomorrow she wasn't there when you got up in the morning?

My advice (and I can't take credit for this, my partner said this to me once) is to mythologize your wife. Put her on a pedestal. Turn her into Aphrodite, into Venus, into a goddess that you can adore. Take a moment to transfer that energy you are putting on your co-worker and give it to her instead.

Maybe you are going through an emotional crisis, unsure of where to take your life. If you have a solid foundation with your wife, talk to her about your fears, your dreams, your desires. Be present together and remember why you fell in love. Sometimes, it takes a distraction for us to realize what really matters. And what really matters is the woman next to you day in and day out.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: You aren't going to get along with everyone you meet, but that shouldn't prevent you from reaching out to people with differences to try to find common ground. You may be able to forge friendly relationships and leverage those connections later on. Remember, you get more bees with honey than vinegar!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Deal-breaker First Date

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | June 7th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I went out on a date with a woman I met online. I haven't been on a first date in a while. She and I are both in our early 30s. Before dessert had even arrived she started talking about how she wants to have children and if I don't want children there really wasn't any reason to continue the date. I was so taken aback that I told her, "No, actually I don't want kids," (which isn't exactly true, but she caught me off guard and I was weirded out by it), and she basically ended the date. The sad part is, she was really funny and cute - or so I thought. I guess my question is, are all women over 30 baby crazy? Should I be prepared for an interrogation every time I go out? -- BABY ON THE BRAIN

DEAR BABY ON THE BRAIN: I can assure you that not all women over the age of 30 are baby crazy. In fact, I know plenty of women who have very little interest in having children. But, the only way you will find out which woman is right for you is to keep dating. I know it can seem overwhelming, but relationships take time to grow and build. In fact, this woman did you a favor by being so upfront about her feelings. She wants a partner who wants kids, and you hesitated, so she bolted. While it made for an awkward conversation with the waiter when he or she came by and saw you sitting there alone, dazed and confused, it works out in the long run because she didn't waste your time. Moving forward, I doubt you will experience that kind of directness (for better or worse) with women, but don't get discouraged. As I read on the inside of a bottle cap once, "There is a lid for every pot."

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Arianna Huffington said it best: "Collaboration is the new competition." No one is an island in the new business landscape, and if you want to increase your visibility, collaborate with like-minded people in complementary industries to help rally the audiences you have together to expand your reach (and potential sales). 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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