life

Dog Visitation After Breakup

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 13th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I have recently broken up, but we share a home together. We bought the home a few years back (we've been together almost seven years), and now we are fighting over everything, including our two dogs. She says she deserves both of them because they were hers originally, but I have known them since they were puppies and feel as though I have every right to see them. She is really holding fast to this and doesn't want to compromise. While the relationship is definitely over for us, it isn't fair that I won't be able to see our dogs. Is there any way I can convince her to share time with them? -- IT’S A DOG’S LIFE

DEAR IT’S A DOG’S LIFE: Sounds as if this is turning into more of a battle of wills than anything else. If this is really about the dogs and not your ego (and I say this because I don't know the circumstances around the breakup), sit her down and say: "I know we are going our separate ways, but there was a lot of time and love here. I don't want to dishonor our past by disregarding how we used to feel. I know you are upset with me, but I know we will both heal over time. Eventually, we may even be able to be friendly. I really care about the dogs, and I still care about you. Is there any way we can work something out so that we can both spend time with them?" Too much mush? Good. Bring her defenses down by going in softly, sweetly and defer to her. At the end of the day, it isn't about the dogs really. It's about how you want to move forward from one another. She may not realize that having help with the dogs could be a nice thing! It may not happen right away, but over time, she may soften. Just tread softly for now and hope for the best. (And maybe give her something she wants if she will give you time with the dogs.) Hey, a little bribery goes a long way when it comes to breakups! 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Want to get people to open up when you first meet them? Ask them about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, and the more you listen, the more you can gather information and find out what can be useful and helpful to them to help build a better rapport.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

She’d Rather Skip the Church Services

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 10th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I don't celebrate (a particular religious holiday), but my fiance's family invited me to their church services. Is it rude to say no? I don't have any desire to go to church, and I don't plan on it in the future after we are married. Any thoughts? -- NOT MY THING

DEAR NOT MY THING: I'm all for keeping the peace with the in-laws, but spirituality is a personal thing. Don't feel pressured to attend services with them, especially because you aren't going to be attending them in the future. Be very polite about it, and thank them for the invitation, but let them know that you do not attend church. But, because sugar helps the medicine go down, invite them to brunch after church and bring a pretty potted plant or some small gift for your mother-in-law as a symbol of good will moving forward. 

It's good to set boundaries early on rather than trying to backpedal in the future. It's interesting that they are unaware that you don't attend church, considering how far along you are in your relationship. Are they aware you won't likely be married in a church either? Better bring some smelling salts! I sense a faint coming on! 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Moved in with boyfriend to save money and now he is acting controlling? Friend got a job promotion and accused you of being jealous?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 8th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend has asked me to move in with him a few months ago. We are splitting the rent on the house that he lives in, but we are already butting heads. He wants to know where I am all the time now, something that he never did when we lived apart. I work two jobs and I am really busy. We used to mostly see each other on the weekends, but now that we live together, he wants to spend time together every night. I need my space. If I am being completely honest, I miss having ‘alone’ time. I moved in with him because I love him, but also to save money and pay down some of my student loans. I don’t know if I made the right decision. Any advice? --FEELING AWKWARD

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: Moving in with someone can be a really big transition, and it sounds like you both just need a little time to adjust. He needs to recognize that just because you live together, doesn’t mean you are able to spend all of your time together. But on your side of things, you may have to adjust your schedule a bit so you can try and spend a little quality time together during the week, even if it is just one night where you carve out extra time. However, if you do explain your schedule more clearly, and you do try and make a little more time for him, and he still acts controlling, be aware of that. His controlling behavior plus your desire to save money by living together may be a bad combination. If you continue to experience this side of him, and you explain to him that it isn’t acceptable, but he continues to act this way, you may need to find new housing. Lack of affordable housing is why some people stay in bad relationships. They can’t afford to leave. I hope that while you are saving money and paying down your student loans, you put a few months’ worth of funds aside for yourself, just in case you need to find new housing quickly.

DEAR NATALIE:Recently, My best friend got a job promotion and I’ve been stuck in the same rut with work for almost ten years now. I have been trying to move up in the company, but it’s been difficult. She is a great person and I am happy for her, but the other day she told me that I was acting distant and jealous. She also tried giving me advice on my career path, which really annoyed me. I rolled my eyes, and this was when she made the comments on jealousy. We are in totally different fields, so it was a little ridiculous that she would lecture me. She has been texting me, but I’ve been ignoring her texts her a few days. I just needed a break. But now things are awkward. Any advice as to how to fix this? I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her, but it’s just frustrating to be in different places. --ANNOYED

DEAR ANNOYED: You are allowed to be annoyed. She’s probably feeling a little self-righteous and smug at the moment and you just couldn’t handle it. That’s okay. Eye rolls happen to the best of us! But now, it sounds as though the moment of annoyance is on the verge of turning into something bigger, so it is important that you clear the air before it gets weird. Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes, you are in the same place, and other times, you are in different worlds. But real friends always find their way back to one another. I would just send her a text back and ask her to meet up for coffee. Then, just talk it out. This is just a tiny little blip on the friendship radar. Don’t let it get worse. Silence makes things harder, not easier, over time. Just tell her that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings when you seemed annoyed, but that you don’t need her career advice, just her friendship. Sometimes, people think that they are being helpful, but in actuality, they are making things worse. Don’t sweat the pettiness. Life is too short. Go back to being friends and having fun. We all need support and love more than anything.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: If you are nervous about networking, show up early to the event. There will be less people there, and you can make a few connections more easily in smaller groups. It’s a win-win!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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