life

Moved in with boyfriend to save money and now he is acting controlling? Friend got a job promotion and accused you of being jealous?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 8th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend has asked me to move in with him a few months ago. We are splitting the rent on the house that he lives in, but we are already butting heads. He wants to know where I am all the time now, something that he never did when we lived apart. I work two jobs and I am really busy. We used to mostly see each other on the weekends, but now that we live together, he wants to spend time together every night. I need my space. If I am being completely honest, I miss having ‘alone’ time. I moved in with him because I love him, but also to save money and pay down some of my student loans. I don’t know if I made the right decision. Any advice? --FEELING AWKWARD

DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: Moving in with someone can be a really big transition, and it sounds like you both just need a little time to adjust. He needs to recognize that just because you live together, doesn’t mean you are able to spend all of your time together. But on your side of things, you may have to adjust your schedule a bit so you can try and spend a little quality time together during the week, even if it is just one night where you carve out extra time. However, if you do explain your schedule more clearly, and you do try and make a little more time for him, and he still acts controlling, be aware of that. His controlling behavior plus your desire to save money by living together may be a bad combination. If you continue to experience this side of him, and you explain to him that it isn’t acceptable, but he continues to act this way, you may need to find new housing. Lack of affordable housing is why some people stay in bad relationships. They can’t afford to leave. I hope that while you are saving money and paying down your student loans, you put a few months’ worth of funds aside for yourself, just in case you need to find new housing quickly.

DEAR NATALIE:Recently, My best friend got a job promotion and I’ve been stuck in the same rut with work for almost ten years now. I have been trying to move up in the company, but it’s been difficult. She is a great person and I am happy for her, but the other day she told me that I was acting distant and jealous. She also tried giving me advice on my career path, which really annoyed me. I rolled my eyes, and this was when she made the comments on jealousy. We are in totally different fields, so it was a little ridiculous that she would lecture me. She has been texting me, but I’ve been ignoring her texts her a few days. I just needed a break. But now things are awkward. Any advice as to how to fix this? I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her, but it’s just frustrating to be in different places. --ANNOYED

DEAR ANNOYED: You are allowed to be annoyed. She’s probably feeling a little self-righteous and smug at the moment and you just couldn’t handle it. That’s okay. Eye rolls happen to the best of us! But now, it sounds as though the moment of annoyance is on the verge of turning into something bigger, so it is important that you clear the air before it gets weird. Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes, you are in the same place, and other times, you are in different worlds. But real friends always find their way back to one another. I would just send her a text back and ask her to meet up for coffee. Then, just talk it out. This is just a tiny little blip on the friendship radar. Don’t let it get worse. Silence makes things harder, not easier, over time. Just tell her that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings when you seemed annoyed, but that you don’t need her career advice, just her friendship. Sometimes, people think that they are being helpful, but in actuality, they are making things worse. Don’t sweat the pettiness. Life is too short. Go back to being friends and having fun. We all need support and love more than anything.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: If you are nervous about networking, show up early to the event. There will be less people there, and you can make a few connections more easily in smaller groups. It’s a win-win!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Stand Up to Controlling Husband

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 6th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been married for about three months, and he is insisting that I get rid of my personal Facebook account, get rid of my personal email account and get rid of my Instagram. He wants us to have "joint" accounts because we are married, and he thinks that individual accounts are "not what married people do." I am all for sharing, but I have had this email account for years, and I enjoy connecting with my friends on Facebook. I use Instagram primarily for work (I am a fashion blogger part time), so I don't understand the issue with it. Is it wrong to have your own accounts when you are married? How do I talk him out of this nonsense? -- HUBBY OUT OF CONTROL

DEAR HUBBY OUT OF CONTROL: Sounds to me like someone has some issues with trust and respect. While I understand that people get paranoid about social media and the idea of their partner cheating, trying to control their activity online isn't a good look. There's nothing sexy about a controlling partner, and his behavior may end up driving a wedge between you. Sit him down and say, "While I understand your feelings about having joint accounts, I have always had these accounts and the world has not ended. Instead of jumping to conclusions, why don't we compromise and get a joint account while I keep my other accounts that I use for work and socializing with friends?" If he balks at that and still demands that you give up personal accounts, just stand firm. In fact, if he starts down this path, keep note of these behaviors. Usually controlling behaviors escalate over time. Does he act this way in other aspects of your relationship? Be wary about giving up any ounce of independence that makes you feel uncomfortable and remind him that you are your own person. He married you to be a partner, not a subordinate, and if you don't set those ground rules now, the relationship could become incredibly unbalanced and unhealthy in years to come.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Boyfriend Isn’t Ready to Propose

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 3rd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I recently turned 31 years old and have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. I have hinted that I want to get married and start a family, but Christmas came and went (I thought he was going to propose then.) Then, Valentine's Day came and went, and then my birthday came and went. Still no ring. How can I get him to commit? My girlfriends told me that I should give him an ultimatum. What do you think? -- RING PLEASE

DEAR RING PLEASE: I'm not a big fan of ultimatums and here's why. Unless you are 100 percent going to follow through with the threat of leaving him if he doesn't put a ring on it by a certain time, he may call your bluff, see what you do, and then react accordingly. So, don't promise to leave unless you mean it. Otherwise, he knows he can basically do whatever he pleases and you won't stand up for yourself. 

On the other hand, I have to ask, why are you chasing someone who doesn't want to get married right now? Is he focused on his career? Well, maybe he wants to wait until he can give you the ring he thinks you deserve. Is he oblivious to your needs? Well, then he isn't hearing you, and that trait may never change. (Do you want to put up with that?) Is he purposely ignoring your requests because he doesn't want to marry you at all? 

You have to figure out what the motive is that keeps him from proposing. At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you want to be married or be with him (because they may not be the same thing). So, if marriage is your goal, find a guy who wants that life, too. If not, you will be banging your head against the wall and probably start resenting him.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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