life

Stand Up to Controlling Husband

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 6th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been married for about three months, and he is insisting that I get rid of my personal Facebook account, get rid of my personal email account and get rid of my Instagram. He wants us to have "joint" accounts because we are married, and he thinks that individual accounts are "not what married people do." I am all for sharing, but I have had this email account for years, and I enjoy connecting with my friends on Facebook. I use Instagram primarily for work (I am a fashion blogger part time), so I don't understand the issue with it. Is it wrong to have your own accounts when you are married? How do I talk him out of this nonsense? -- HUBBY OUT OF CONTROL

DEAR HUBBY OUT OF CONTROL: Sounds to me like someone has some issues with trust and respect. While I understand that people get paranoid about social media and the idea of their partner cheating, trying to control their activity online isn't a good look. There's nothing sexy about a controlling partner, and his behavior may end up driving a wedge between you. Sit him down and say, "While I understand your feelings about having joint accounts, I have always had these accounts and the world has not ended. Instead of jumping to conclusions, why don't we compromise and get a joint account while I keep my other accounts that I use for work and socializing with friends?" If he balks at that and still demands that you give up personal accounts, just stand firm. In fact, if he starts down this path, keep note of these behaviors. Usually controlling behaviors escalate over time. Does he act this way in other aspects of your relationship? Be wary about giving up any ounce of independence that makes you feel uncomfortable and remind him that you are your own person. He married you to be a partner, not a subordinate, and if you don't set those ground rules now, the relationship could become incredibly unbalanced and unhealthy in years to come.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Boyfriend Isn’t Ready to Propose

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 3rd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I recently turned 31 years old and have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. I have hinted that I want to get married and start a family, but Christmas came and went (I thought he was going to propose then.) Then, Valentine's Day came and went, and then my birthday came and went. Still no ring. How can I get him to commit? My girlfriends told me that I should give him an ultimatum. What do you think? -- RING PLEASE

DEAR RING PLEASE: I'm not a big fan of ultimatums and here's why. Unless you are 100 percent going to follow through with the threat of leaving him if he doesn't put a ring on it by a certain time, he may call your bluff, see what you do, and then react accordingly. So, don't promise to leave unless you mean it. Otherwise, he knows he can basically do whatever he pleases and you won't stand up for yourself. 

On the other hand, I have to ask, why are you chasing someone who doesn't want to get married right now? Is he focused on his career? Well, maybe he wants to wait until he can give you the ring he thinks you deserve. Is he oblivious to your needs? Well, then he isn't hearing you, and that trait may never change. (Do you want to put up with that?) Is he purposely ignoring your requests because he doesn't want to marry you at all? 

You have to figure out what the motive is that keeps him from proposing. At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you want to be married or be with him (because they may not be the same thing). So, if marriage is your goal, find a guy who wants that life, too. If not, you will be banging your head against the wall and probably start resenting him.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Help for New Girlfriend Talking About Suicide

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 29th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: For a little over a month, I have been seeing a woman whom I find highly desirable and with whom I am quite enamored. She has confided a great deal in me in a short period of time, which I have let her know I appreciate. But one line of her candor was something I was not prepared to hear and did not want to hear: how she plans to end her life when she hits rock bottom, which she implies will be due to financial reasons. She seems to want to reassure me that this will not be "tomorrow" but "in 20 years" (when she will still be a relatively young woman). She even has a plan for how she will commit suicide, referencing the movie "Thelma and Louise," which ends with a car being driven into the Grand Canyon. 

I made it clear after the first time that this was upsetting to hear, yet she elected to tell me about it a second time. Why is she telling me this, I wonder. Is it simply to get a reaction out of me? What does one do with this information? I believe that if I suggested that she contact some type of crisis counselor, that she would pooh-pooh the idea and resent that I mentioned it. -- CONFUSED AND WORRIED

DEAR CONFUSED AND WORRIED: Discussing suicide is nothing to take lightly, but it sounds as though she is telling you this in a fantastical sort of way, almost as though it is a glamorous way to exit stage left, and not necessarily something she would actually try to do. 

The good thing is that she is discussing it with you. It means that while she is processing it as a viable option, the fact that she wants your opinion and insight leads me to think that she doesn't actually want to kill herself. When people want to do it, they do it. When people want someone to talk them out of it, they attempt it or discuss it, giving others the opportunity to step in. 

So step in. You are involved, unfortunately. I know you say that she would pooh-pooh the idea of a crisis center, but if someone is discussing suicide so openly and frankly with you, you have a moral obligation to let someone know. I would contact a local crisis center and say exactly what you have told me. 

Because she isn't threatening to harm herself immediately, counselors can't act on committing her, but they may be able to recommend outpatient therapy for her. Strongly encourage her to go. If she balks, she may just be engaging in attention-seeking behavior, which may have you looking for the exit soon enough. 

Give yourself boundaries. It's OK to say, "I really care about you, but unless you are going to therapy, I'd rather not discuss your plans for hurting yourself, no matter how far in the future it may be." Be careful, though. She may use this as a way to shut down, so be gentle in your approach. Unfortunately, there are a lot of sad, lonely people out there, and while they may be lovable and wonderful (even if they don't realize it), you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. 

NOTE: Anyone thinking about suicide should contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Actions speak louder than words. Follow-through is the key to being a good networker. If you say you are going to email, call, text or whatever, make sure you do it within 24 hours to show that you are serious about making positive connections with people you are interested in. They will take note of your professionalism. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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