life

Help for New Girlfriend Talking About Suicide

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 29th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: For a little over a month, I have been seeing a woman whom I find highly desirable and with whom I am quite enamored. She has confided a great deal in me in a short period of time, which I have let her know I appreciate. But one line of her candor was something I was not prepared to hear and did not want to hear: how she plans to end her life when she hits rock bottom, which she implies will be due to financial reasons. She seems to want to reassure me that this will not be "tomorrow" but "in 20 years" (when she will still be a relatively young woman). She even has a plan for how she will commit suicide, referencing the movie "Thelma and Louise," which ends with a car being driven into the Grand Canyon. 

I made it clear after the first time that this was upsetting to hear, yet she elected to tell me about it a second time. Why is she telling me this, I wonder. Is it simply to get a reaction out of me? What does one do with this information? I believe that if I suggested that she contact some type of crisis counselor, that she would pooh-pooh the idea and resent that I mentioned it. -- CONFUSED AND WORRIED

DEAR CONFUSED AND WORRIED: Discussing suicide is nothing to take lightly, but it sounds as though she is telling you this in a fantastical sort of way, almost as though it is a glamorous way to exit stage left, and not necessarily something she would actually try to do. 

The good thing is that she is discussing it with you. It means that while she is processing it as a viable option, the fact that she wants your opinion and insight leads me to think that she doesn't actually want to kill herself. When people want to do it, they do it. When people want someone to talk them out of it, they attempt it or discuss it, giving others the opportunity to step in. 

So step in. You are involved, unfortunately. I know you say that she would pooh-pooh the idea of a crisis center, but if someone is discussing suicide so openly and frankly with you, you have a moral obligation to let someone know. I would contact a local crisis center and say exactly what you have told me. 

Because she isn't threatening to harm herself immediately, counselors can't act on committing her, but they may be able to recommend outpatient therapy for her. Strongly encourage her to go. If she balks, she may just be engaging in attention-seeking behavior, which may have you looking for the exit soon enough. 

Give yourself boundaries. It's OK to say, "I really care about you, but unless you are going to therapy, I'd rather not discuss your plans for hurting yourself, no matter how far in the future it may be." Be careful, though. She may use this as a way to shut down, so be gentle in your approach. Unfortunately, there are a lot of sad, lonely people out there, and while they may be lovable and wonderful (even if they don't realize it), you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. 

NOTE: Anyone thinking about suicide should contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Actions speak louder than words. Follow-through is the key to being a good networker. If you say you are going to email, call, text or whatever, make sure you do it within 24 hours to show that you are serious about making positive connections with people you are interested in. They will take note of your professionalism. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Ballgame Manners

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 26th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I attend many Pirates games at PNC Park. I often find myself sitting in front of individuals who demonstrate no interest in the game, rather they have come to discuss and broadcast to those within many rows the details of their personal lives and their employment. I was once sitting in front of a thoughtless young woman who let us know that she uses an IUD! 

Can people be completely oblivious to how their voices carry? I would love to say to these folks, "Would you not be better off at a bar or a restaurant rather than attending a baseball game that is of no consequence to you? Why did you pay a significant amount of money to sit here and bother the rest of us when you obviously have no interest in the game?" 

Why do you think people act like this? -- SICK AND TIRED OF BAD MANNERS

DEAR SICK AND TIRED OF BAD MANNERS: It's funny, because back in the day, all your private thoughts went into a diary, and if anyone read them, you would be really upset. Nowadays, if you don't post every intimate detail of your life on your Facebook page for everyone to read (and if people don't "like" it) you get really upset. Perhaps blame it on social media, but people seem to have no problem airing their dirty laundry (or any laundry) in public. Many people are in their own little world, and if you happen to hear things, oh well. 

I know it is annoying to you, but try not to let it get under your skin. Maybe she didn't want to be at the game but was invited by colleagues or her partner and felt obligated to go. Instead, use it as an opportunity to Zen out. Train your brain to tune out annoying or uninteresting conversations. You are there for the game, so be there for the game. Don't get caught up in these petty conversations about things that don't interest you. Focus on why you came and enjoy the moment. 

We can't change how other people act. We can only change our reaction to them. Ohhhmmmmmm. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: With so many people competing for so few jobs, it is important to have cover letters and resumes handy in case you meet someone while networking. Have a copy saved to your phone, and if you are looking for work, you can forward it immediately to the person who may be of help to you. It shows you are focused and ready to roll. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Friend only wants to talk about herself when she’s around you? Friend came into money and is now unbearable to be around?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 24th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: Why is it that when I’m with my friend, I can’t get a word in? When I do, which isn’t often, she interrupts and then proceeds to hog the conversation? All she does is complain about her job. I am so sick of hearing about what happened at work! I have noticed that she only behaves this way when it is just the two of us. I have been with her and my husband and her sisters and she is pretty quiet. I guess what I have to say doesn’t interest her. How do I deal with this? -- COMPLAINING ABOUT COMPLAINER

DEAR COMPLAINING ABOUT COMPLAINER: You can look at this from a different perspective. Clearly, she finds you to be a good listener, someone she can confide in, and someone she feels comfortable being herself around. Maybe she is shy or intimidated by other people, but around you, she feels more open and free. You must be a great confidante. However, the problem with being a great listener is that sometimes your own stories can be drowned out. The next time the two of you are alone, I would just tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that you really appreciate the fact that she feels so comfortable to share her thoughts with you, but that sometimes you feel as though the conversation is lopsided and you want to contribute more. You deserve to be heard and she needs to respect that. If she can’t, what exactly is your friendship based on other than you being a doormat?

DEAR NATALIE: My friend and I have known each other for years. Recently, however, she came into some family money and now that is all she talks about. She has become really self-involved and I would say that almost all of our conversations over the past year have been about her and her new handbags. She doesn’t even really ask me much about my life and I find it really hurtful. I want to say something, but I’m afraid she will just say that I am jealous of her. Which, by the way, I am not. I am happy for her good fortune, but can’t we talk about something else for once? — MAD ABOUT MONEY

DEAR MAD ABOUT MONEY: This is a tricky one because you are right. Your annoyance will come off as jealousy even if that’s not really the case. You can play this one of two ways. Either ignore it, accept she has changed and realize you may just not be on the same page anymore. Maybe your relationship will drift for a while if you take a step back, but maybe that’s what has to happen. Option two: Confront her lovingly about this and tell her that this is not a good look. If I was behaving badly, I would hope a few of my close friends would step up and say something. A real friend let’s you know when you have food in your teeth, is a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with and calls you out on your nonsense when needed. In this instance, be a friend and tell her to settle down. While it’s super great that she has money, that’s not why you are friends. Maybe she needs a reminder. Money comes and goes but real friends stick by you.  If she won’t accept your *gentle!* comments, maybe she should just talk to her new handbags, instead. I’m sure the conversation will be scintillating.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: If something isn’t a fit for you, pass it along to someone that it may be helpful for. We have to support each other, uplift one another and think outside ourselves. If we do this, many more of us could be successful in many ways!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Priceless Gifts From a Father
  • Talking to Teens About Asking for Help
  • School Shootings: Where Are the 'Good Guys With Guns'?
  • Fall-proofing a Home Helps Keep Older Adults Independent
  • Monkeypox a Less Severe Cousin to Smallpox
  • New Studies on Long COVID-19 Provide No Definitive Answers
  • Make the Most of a Hopeful Season With Festive Home Looks
  • Designing a Holiday Tabletop for a Season Like No Other
  • Light It Up: New Designs Brighten Home Decor
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2022 Andrews McMeel Universal