life

Boyfriend openly ogles women in front of you? Widower afraid of moving on?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 27th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I love my boyfriend but I have one major complaint. He is constantly checking out other women when we are out together. He even whistles under his breath from time to time when he sees a particularly good looking woman. Look, I know men are visual creatures, but I am starting to get a complex! I am an attractive woman. Aren’t I enough? I want to ask him to stop but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m being insecure and jealous. Any suggestions?

--FEELING INADEQUATE

DEAR FEELING INADEQUATE: Dump him. Too harsh? I don’t think so. Clearly this man does not respect you. It’s one thing to glance on occasion when you see someone attractive. It is a whole other thing to ogle or whistle at women, especially when your significant other is right there to witness it! On its own, that is sexist and rude. But in front of you? It’s just disgusting behavior. The fact that you are nervous about telling him how you feel makes me think that in the past, whenever you have expressed your feelings, he has dismissed or belittled you. So, instead of asking why he is acting the way he is, why not ask yourself why you are willing to put up with it. He doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Walk away. He’s still a child and you don’t have time to babysit.

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been widowed for three years. My wife and I were both in a terrible car accident but she didn’t survive it and I did. We were in our late twenties when it happened.  I’m now in my 30s and still very single. I haven’t been able to date. It has been a very difficult time in my life and I don’t know how to move forward. But I recently met this woman and we really connected. She invited me out this weekend, but I called it off. I didn’t give a reason and she doesn’t know about my wife. I feel bad because I think I upset her. My friends and family tell me it’s time to move on. I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? --STILL GRIEVING

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: My heart goes out to you and to her family. I am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand why you haven’t wanted to date after something so horrific and tragic. Have you been to a counselor in the past about your experience? You may have some level of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that you may not fully be aware of. There may be layers of guilt and shame attached to dating because you survived the same accident that your late wife did not. No one should tell you when you are “ready” to date. The grieving process is a difficult one to navigate, and when you complicate it with the experience that you had, needless to say it is a lot to handle. I would find a counselor that specializes in grief work, and I would consider joining a support group for widows and widowers. You may find that sharing your experience with others who have lost their spouse to be healing. As for your new friend, I would be honest with her. She may be feeling badly about the fact that you canceled, and she deserves to understand why. You don’t have to get into all the details, but share what you are comfortable sharing. Explain to her that you like her and that scares you because you are still grieving the loss of your wife. Perhaps she will be willing to take things really slowly and just start as friends. See where things go. Give yourself permission to laugh again, to experience life again, to even love again someday. No one will ever replace your wife, but I doubt that she would want you to live a life of loneliness, either. Good luck to you and I hope that you find some sense of peace.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Work on your pitch. What makes you stand out from the crowd? What makes your work special? Find your niche and hone your message to share with others when networking.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Changing Facebook Status After Breakup?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 25th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I recently broke up with my girlfriend after dating for eight months. She was a great person, and I have no ill will toward her. We just didn't have the right chemistry to make it last long term. Anyway, we broke up a few days ago, and I'm wondering if it is too soon to change my Facebook status and other social media accounts back to "single." She's really hurt by our breakup, and we are friends on social media, which makes it harder. My guy friends say it's fine and I should just update it, but my girlfriends say it's rude to do it this quickly. They say I should wait at least a month. But, I plan on dating other people and don't want anyone to think I am involved with someone when I'm not. What do you think? And should I take down all of our photos, too? -- STATUS UPDATE REQUESTED

DEAR STATUS UPDATE REQUESTED: I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out, but it's good that you know yourself well enough to know when something just isn't right. Nothing would be worse than being led on because the other person is too afraid to end things over fear of hurting feelings. In the end, you did yourself and your ex both a favor. 

As far as social media goes, why does everyone need to know your status, anyway? I say take down your relationship "status" and leave a little bit of mystery to be discovered. Everyone makes everything so public but there really isn't a reason to have all of that information online. If you are a die-hard-must-let-everyone-know kind of a person, I say wait another week. Let everything settle down, cool off and have a minute to rest before changing your status. 

I, personally, would not remove photos because that is part of my history, my past, and it meant something to me at the time. If this is how you feel, too, then let the photos stay up (unless they are not safe for work, but why would you have those on Facebook, anyway?). Some relationships that blow up in your face may warrant taking down pictures, but if the memories are good, why run from them? 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Juggling to Balance Work and Life

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 22nd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: Can we please talk about work-life balance? I am in my late 40s, and my parents are older and not in great health. I have been spending more time lately caring for them, and I feel as though my clients at work don't understand (I'm a social worker). They often text me or email me at all hours. I'm not sure how to handle trying to balance my busy work schedule with taking care of mom and dad. I'm an only child so it compounds the pressure. Any suggestions? -- BURNED OUT

DEAR BURNED OUT: One of the healthiest things you can do, especially as a social worker, is to create a safe space around yourself. That means that YOU have to set the limitations of how and when clients can reach you. First, get a cellphone that is just for work if you don't have one already. Your clients do not need to have a personal cellphone number. This will create some space emotionally. Second, let them know that after 7 p.m. (or whatever time works for the type of work that you do) the phone shuts off. If they need assistance or if it's an emergency, they can call another number that you provide or 911. Third, put the phone out of sight at that time to reduce your chance for engaging with it. Put it in your bedroom or in your briefcase or wherever else you won't be tempted to look at it. This goes for checking work email as well. Do not link your work email to your personal phone. 

People will tug at you from all directions until you say "no." At first, you may frustrate some people and annoy others, but guess what? Over time, they will adapt. As for your parents, while I applaud you for stepping up to the plate, make sure you set aside some time each day for yourself -- whether that means 30 minutes to meditate or one hour to take a walk or watch an episode of "Game of Thrones." You deserve time to reflect, relax and renew so you can help your family in a more productive way. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be good for anyone else. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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