life

Is New Man’s Attention Result of Different Culture?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 28th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: Recently I started dating a man from India. I am not Indian. I am white, and we really have hit it off. He is wonderful, generous and kind, but we've only gone out a few times, and he is moving really fast. He is showering me with gifts and promises that are starting to make me uncomfortable.

How do I tell him that he is being too aggressive and that he needs to slow down? Is this a cultural thing that I am not getting? I don't want to come off as distant or ungrateful, but the amount of attention he shows me (texting me all through the day, flowers during the work week, surprises, etc.) are starting to raise eyebrows from colleagues and family.

Is he coming on too strong or am I just cold? -- AMERICAN GIRL

DEAR AMERICAN GIRL: While I don't think it is wise to make sweeping generalizations about one culture based on isolated experiences, there could be a cultural component as to why you are feeling out of sorts. But most likely it is your preconceived impressions of his culture that are clouding your judgment and experience here.

I have dated men of different backgrounds, and some were affectionate, others not so much. Some smother, some you can't even get to text you back, and if you are lucky, you end up finding that one gem that you just vibe with. It has little to do with culture and mostly to do with individuals and their personal journeys. Let go of your fears of saying or doing or reacting in the "appropriate" way, and focus instead on how it makes you feel when he showers you with attention and gifts.

If you are truly uncomfortable, just tell him. Say gently, "I am so flattered by the thoughtful gifts and gestures. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed by all of it and was hoping we could take a step back and get to know each other a bit better before making promises or giving each other gifts." He may not have realized it was upsetting you, or maybe he thought that you are supposed to behave like that when starting a new relationship.

As far as it raising eyebrows of colleagues and family, dare I say that they may be a little jealous? Wouldn't it be nice to get flowers and gifts? People like to be cynical and even cruel to satisfy their own feelings of insecurity and disappointment in life, so don't let them dictate to you how and what you should feel. Remember, you are in these relationships, not them.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don't be afraid to speak up if you are interested in getting to know someone or would like a contact of yours to refer you to someone that you've been wanting to connect with. The whole point of networking is building relationships and finding the ones that create reciprocity that helps both parties reach their goals.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Widower Considers Dating Scene

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 25th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I'm 65 and have a lot of living in my rearview mirror, but I still want to share the journey ahead. I lost my life partner awhile back, but in her amazing love and understanding nature, she made me promise not to go it alone.

Here is the rub: How do I find someone to share the journey ahead, like I promised, and not make poor choices in how to find that person? I was blessed by good friends who set me up with my bride, but that doesn't seem likely to be my path forward.

I have multiple cultural tickets that I would love to share with someone, and so what would you suggest? -- MOVING FORWARD

DEAR MOVING FORWARD: Life transitions can be quite a challenge, and you have handled the passing of your beloved with grace, love and a touch of humor. I applaud you for wanting to continue the journey and recognize that moving forward doesn't mean you forget or negate the past.

Having said that, it can be quite a challenge to date in the modern landscape, but here are a few recommendations. First, try a matchmaking service (but a low-key one!). You sign up for the service that tailors a group to match your interests and personality. You meet other people who are all there for the same reason, and who knows what can happen?

Another option is to join a few organizations or volunteer groups. This is a great way to meet people with similar interests, and it also shows that they think about people outside of themselves, which is a wonderful quality to have in any partner.

Third could be online dating. There are sites out there for the 50-plus crowd. But then again, with your positive energy and openness, you may end up reaching for the same bag of apples in the grocery store and end up falling in love the old fashioned way ... just by a random moment in time!

Stay upbeat, get out and socialize!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Wife wants to move ex-husband into apartment above garage? Bickering starting to erode your marriage?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 23rd, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I are in what is the second marriage for both of us.  Thankfully, we both maintain cordial and generally excellent relationships with our former spouses.  Her association with her former husband is much more active than mine with my ex-wife because unlike mine, their marriage yielded a child, a nine-year-old boy for whom there is shared custody.  There are regular exchanges of my stepson at our home. My wife's former spouse plays a larger role in our lives than might otherwise be the case because he is not skilled in some aspects of single living, hence my wife assists him with some things, such as occasionally purchasing clothes for him, helping him to construct a profile to use on a dating site, and offering advice. I have been cordial and friendly to him and I greet him by name.  He is polite, but perfunctory with me and has used my name just once in the year and a half that I have known him. The ex-husband currently lives about fifteen minutes from us in the same area.  He will be transferred to a job out of the area in the not too distant future and will be selling his home here.  My wife and I have also been considering a move from our home. My wife has proposed the possibility of us purchasing a home with a garage apartment in which her ex-husband could stay when he comes to the area to spend time with his son.  She has asked me to consider this although recognizing that despite having no concern about my wife's faithfulness to me, my visceral response to the idea is a resounding "no". I would welcome your thoughts as to how to best handle this situation. --TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

DEAR TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: You have every right to feel the way that you do. I do not think it is appropriate at all for her ex to stay with you when he is in town. She may feel guilty that they are divorced and have a child, but that is no reason to create tension between herself and you. Her ex husband may be a nice person, and I’m glad that everyone gets along, but there needs to be healthy boundaries. Having him above the garage crosses the line, considering you are uncomfortable with it. Every relationship with exes is different and every marriage is different, but everyone needs to be on the same page. I would let her know exactly how you feel. You don’t have to justify feeling this way. If the shoe was on the other foot, I bet she would feel uncomfortable and even threatened, as well. When he comes to town to visit his son, he can either stay at a hotel room or find other arrangements. It’s not your job to house her ex-husband.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are constantly bickering. At first, it was just the way we communicated, but it has gotten to the point that the constant little annoyances are really starting to take its toll. I feel like I have to gear up for a fight every time I walk in the door to my home. I have a stressful job and the constant nastiness between us is really causing issues. He just pushes my buttons and then I retaliate, and let’s just say, it isn’t pretty. We haven’t been romantic in months and I’m starting to worry that we are drifting apart. We’ve been together eight years and have three children. I don’t want to divorce, but we cannot continue this way. Any suggestions? --TOO MUCH BICKERING

DEAR TOO MUCH BICKERING: Get yourselves to a marriage counselor. Every relationship has its own “language”. While some couples bicker and it doesn’t harm the relationship, it sounds like its eroding into something more sinister than banter. Repairing the fight is more important than people realize. If you aren’t repairing after arguments, they begin to build, to fester and create massive amounts of resentment and tension. It sounds like you are heading down this road and in order to stop it, you need a reboot. A couple’s counselor can help give you both tools to speak more lovingly and more respectfully, even when you are arguing. Pushing each other’s buttons is not only immature, but a great way to erase trust and respect over time. It can cascade into other bad behaviors, cause you to emotionally shut down and begin living separate lives. Deal with this now, create a space for love to thrive again, and remind yourselves of why you fell in love in the first place. Remember, it took you eight years to get to this place, so don’t expect a miracle to happen overnight. Baby steps towards healing will take time, but the effort you both put in will be worth it.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t get weighed down by worrying about making the “perfect” connection with people when you are out networking. Think about it as making friendships and connections. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don’t. Just be open-minded and friendly and see what happens.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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