life

Have the after-wedding blues because no one is paying you any attention? Trying to get pregnant and family is being insensitive?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 16th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My wedding was last month and I have to say I feel seriously down now that it is over. I really miss all of the excitement. I know this sounds so bad, but I really miss the attention, too. My life really isn’t all that exciting and the wedding gave me something to look forward to. I’m in a bit of a slump. My husband keeps telling me to get over it and that we need to move on, but I’m having a hard time. He’s ready to start house hunting and planning for kids, but I just feel so sad that my wedding is over. Can you help me out of this funk? I know I sound ridiculous, but I still feel sad. --WEDDING BLUES

DEAR WEDDING BLUES: I have read that the most challenging year of marriage for many is the first year. The wedding excitement is over. The attention has moved on to the next engaged couple. The newly married couple are left to settle in. The settling part can definitely feel like a come down from all of that party planning and dress shopping and general giddiness that surrounds such a happy time. It is natural to feel a bit let down once it is all over. Part of that is society’s fault for creating such a ridiculous amount of energy around this one day. But, now that the wedding is over, it is a great time to think about what it is you want from your new life together. Take this energy lull and make it work for you. It is okay to feel depressed. It is okay to feel sad. It was a special moment in your life and now that it’s over, you may be wondering, “Is that all?” But, fear not. The adventure is really just beginning, a new page is being turned and that blank space is yours to fill however you choose. It seems as though your husband has already moved into this headspace and is looking forward to house hunting and family planning. It’s okay not to be there, but also allow yourself the mental freedom to start thinking about what you want the next phase to look like. What kind of home do you want to create together? What does that look like? Setting goals for yourself over the next six months to a year can begin to take you out of the past and bring you into the future. If your life doesn’t feel as exciting as you would like, what are some things you can interject into your world to uplift you? Perhaps you can learn another language, take cooking classes, focus on volunteer work or engage your friends more often and in meaningful ways. It only takes a few small shifts in our mind to make things line up in the physical world. But until then, just sit with your feelings. Allow yourself time to grieve the end of one chapter, but then give yourself permission to celebrate all of the amazing people that you have in your life, like your new husband!

DEAR NATALIE: We’ve been trying for a baby now for several months and nothing has happened yet. My family is being supportive but they just can’t seem to keep to themselves. Everyone keeps giving me advice on why I’m not pregnant yet and what I can fix to get pregnant. I’m so frustrated and embarrassed. I feel like I never should have mentioned that we were trying to have a baby. My husband says to just shrug it off, but it’s a direct attack on me, not him. What should I say to my well-meaning relatives who are continually hurting my feelings? --LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: Well-meaning people are the worst. It always makes me think of this: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” That quote from the twelfth century leads me to believe that humans have been well meaning and unintentionally hurtful since the beginning of time. Women’s bodies are always up for public debate and discussion, so it doesn’t surprise me at all that people feel as though they have the right to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong with your own body. Being in a vulnerable emotional state, it can be hard to stand up for yourself. And why should you have to? It’s nobody’s business when and how and if you are pregnant. You are allowed to be direct about how you feel. You can even keep it light by saying, “I’d rather not talk about it right now. I don’t want to jinx anything!” If someone pries further, you can try this: “I want to remain as relaxed as possible about it and talking about it causes unnecessary stress for me.” Your husband can also feel free to stand up for you at the next family gathering and reiterate that your body is not up for discussion. Creating a family takes time for some and there is no wrong way to have a family. Whether you become pregnant, use a surrogate, or adopt, a family grows in your heart, not just under it. Do not allow yourself to be limited by other people’s narrow-mindedness around the topic. There are lots of support groups out there if you find yourself needing to talk about it freely with other families going these issues. At the end of the day, get the support you need and allow yourself to create healthy boundaries with your well-meaning family.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Celebrate the people in your life. When someone gets promoted, when they get a new job, when they buy their first home or when they adopt that puppy from the shelter, celebrate them. We don’t have to wait for the traditional moments in life to tell people that they are worthy of love and support. Celebrate the big and small things. It will improve your relationships, too!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Dog Expectations

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 14th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My partner of five years has a dog, one she has had for eight years. So when we moved in together four years ago, I did so with the full knowledge that her dog would be living with us as well. I have been up-front with my partner from the beginning: that when this dog dies, I do not want another one. She seemed fine with that decision but recently has begun talking about what type of dog we will get next. I am 62 and retired; my partner is 60 and still working. So I "babysit" the dog during the week.

Is it selfish of me to stick to my guns regarding another dog? I want to be free to travel, to even go away for a long weekend or be able to stay in the city for a late dinner after the theater without worrying about racing home to release the hound. Heck, I just want to be free not to have to run the dog outside multiple times during the day. I welcome your advice. -- PERPLEXED

DEAR PERPLEXED: Stick to your guns. Relationships are about compromise. The next time your partner brings up getting another dog, remind her that you both discussed this prior to moving in together. Make it clear that while you love her and that you have been caring and respectful toward her dog, she also needs to take your feelings into account that after the dog dies, you deserve a moment for yourselves. It isn't fair, either, that it is her dog, but you are taking care of it while she is at work, expected to put her schedule above yours just because you are retired and have to put your dreams on a back burner because the dog needs to go for a walk. Make it very clear that you have given of yourself during the past four years, and you expect the same level of love and respect in return.

I think it is completely selfish of her to assume that you can and want to handle new responsibilities of another pet after you told her you did not. If she really wants another dog that badly at some point, she can pay for a dog sitter, a dog walker and a kennel for when you go out of town. You are her partner, and decisions in the home affect you both and should be made by you both. Period.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Take a break from social media. With all the vitriol being spewed right now online, it may be a good time to step away, take a breath and refocus your message to encourage collaboration between co-workers and friends. A fresh start may be just what the doctor ordered.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Over 60, She’s Dejected by Dating

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 11th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I read your column about the man who wants to find love again in his 60s. I'm a woman in my late 60s who has struggled to find anyone to date. Everyone is already in relationships, young enough to be my grandson, or just plain miserable. Is it crazy to think that it may be easier for men to date than it is for women of a similar age? I feel alive and want to share experiences with someone but have been so dejected by dating that I don't even bother. I feel depressed. Does an older woman have any chance of finding love again, or should I just stop dreaming? -- LOVE SICK

DEAR LOVE SICK: I absolutely believe in love, and I absolutely believe that you can find happiness at any age. Our youth-obsessed culture does favor men when it comes to dating. Women seem to have a narrowing window in which they are allowed to feel sexy and attractive as they get older. But that's nonsense. You cannot let those negative stereotypes about what women "should" be at any age fill your head.

If you want to find a partner, or just a new friend, you have to believe that you deserve it. Then, start speaking what you want. Ask your friends if they know anyone single, get out of the house and do things that make you happy, and while you are looking for a companion, have fun dating yourself. Go to a movie solo, take yourself to dinner, read a book in the park. Once you release the fear of being alone and recognize that you don't need someone to fill the time, you may just start finding that letting go of expectations is not the same as letting go of dreams. In life possibility abounds. We are the ones who put limitations on ourselves.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Are you over-scheduling yourself? Think of what your intent is with every meeting. If you cannot state in a sentence to yourself why you are meeting with someone, then you need to re-evaluate your process of networking and recognize that saying yes without intention may fill your time, but won't necessarily improve your situation.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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