life

Over 60, She’s Dejected by Dating

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 11th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I read your column about the man who wants to find love again in his 60s. I'm a woman in my late 60s who has struggled to find anyone to date. Everyone is already in relationships, young enough to be my grandson, or just plain miserable. Is it crazy to think that it may be easier for men to date than it is for women of a similar age? I feel alive and want to share experiences with someone but have been so dejected by dating that I don't even bother. I feel depressed. Does an older woman have any chance of finding love again, or should I just stop dreaming? -- LOVE SICK

DEAR LOVE SICK: I absolutely believe in love, and I absolutely believe that you can find happiness at any age. Our youth-obsessed culture does favor men when it comes to dating. Women seem to have a narrowing window in which they are allowed to feel sexy and attractive as they get older. But that's nonsense. You cannot let those negative stereotypes about what women "should" be at any age fill your head.

If you want to find a partner, or just a new friend, you have to believe that you deserve it. Then, start speaking what you want. Ask your friends if they know anyone single, get out of the house and do things that make you happy, and while you are looking for a companion, have fun dating yourself. Go to a movie solo, take yourself to dinner, read a book in the park. Once you release the fear of being alone and recognize that you don't need someone to fill the time, you may just start finding that letting go of expectations is not the same as letting go of dreams. In life possibility abounds. We are the ones who put limitations on ourselves.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Are you over-scheduling yourself? Think of what your intent is with every meeting. If you cannot state in a sentence to yourself why you are meeting with someone, then you need to re-evaluate your process of networking and recognize that saying yes without intention may fill your time, but won't necessarily improve your situation.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Sisters engaged at the same time and causing major drama? Quit smoking marijuana and friend upset about it?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 9th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: My older sisters both are engaged to be married. The proposals happened only days apart from each other. They are both very competitive with one another. It’s become a bit of an issue because they are fighting over who gets to get married first. Neither of them want a long engagement, but family is asking that they at least wait six months between weddings so that everyone can catch their breath and enjoy each wedding individually. My oldest sister, Diana, feels that she should get to go first even though Adriene was (technically!) engaged first. I think the whole thing is ridiculous but I feel caught in the middle. I suggested that they just do a dual ceremony and split the cost for the wedding since the same people will basically be coming to both. They hated that idea. So, who do you think should get to marry first and how should I handle this? --WEDDING MAYHEM

DEAR WEDDING MAYHEM: Picking sides won’t do you or anyone any good. From an objective perspective, the one that was engaged first should get married first. I can understand your family’s perspective of wanting the weddings to be six months apart just so everyone can enjoy each sister’s festivities without feeling like it’s a chore. I actually like the idea of a dual ceremony but I can also understand that it isn’t for everyone. It’s a shame neither of them are willing to elope. Your best bet is to stay out of it. They can flip a coin if they are both open to it. At the end of the day, it really shouldn’t matter. Their stupid competition with each other is only going to ruin an otherwise lovely experience for themselves and everyone else. Remind them that at the end of the day, it isn’t about the party, it’s about being married to the love of their lives. It all goes by in a blink of an eye, so encourage them to savor the moments, be there for each other and enjoy the journey.

DEAR NATALIE: I live in California and I recently quit smoking marijuana. It just wasn’t good for me. My friends have been mostly supportive, but one of my closest friends has been really tough on me. She makes fun of me for quitting and says I’m a loser. I keep telling her that it just didn’t make me feel good. She says “that’s all in your head” and thinks I am being dramatic. I really care about her, but being around her lately has been really hard on me and I don’t want her to keep bringing me down. What should I do? --UP IN SMOKE

DEAR UP IN SMOKE: Even though marijuana may be helpful to some, it isn’t helpful to everyone. You are under no obligation to enjoy it or engage in it. Any “friend” that can’t deal with it isn’t a real friend. She may be harboring some of her own fears and insecurities and taking them out on you. It reminds me of last winter when I eased up on social drinking. I just wanted to cut down on my calories after the holidays. A lot of people around me became suddenly uncomfortable with the fact that I was turning down wine at dinner. Sometimes, whether we mean to or not, we hold up mirrors for other people. And sometimes, they don’t always like what they see. Maybe in this case with your friend, she is relying too heavily on marijuana to deal with day-to-day life and you are a constant reminder to her of that. I would recommend you pull back from her for a while. Let her miss you and let her realize that your relationship, if it’s real, shouldn’t be about getting high together, but instead, sharing life together. If she can’t do that, why do you need to be around her, anyway?

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Be someone who notices the person standing by themselves in a room and decides to go over and introduce yourself. Not everyone is outgoing, and not everyone is standoffish. Sometimes, people are shy and just need a little encouragement to step out of their shell.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Is She an Accidental Gold Digger?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 7th, 2019

DEAR NATALIE: I recently started seeing a great guy. We've gone out on a few dates (where I've met him at the location). He asked if he could pick me up last week for a date (we were going to dinner on Mount Washington). He arrived in a very, very luxurious car. I won't name it because there aren't that many zooming around Pittsburgh. Ever since that date, I feel like I like him even MORE now that I know his lifestyle. Does this make me a terrible person? Am I wrong for feeling excited that he is financially stable AND a great man? My friends think he's awesome, too, but they keep telling me to lock him down as he is a "good catch" in every respect of the word. But I feel badly about this. Should I keep seeing him even though part of the turn on is his cash flow? I liked him before I knew, but I've never dated anyone WEALTHY before. I'm all confused. Help! -- ACCIDENTAL GOLD DIGGER

DEAR ACCIDENTAL GOLD DIGGER: It's true what they say, money can't buy me love (but it can make me a heck of a lot more comfortable). Wait, is that how the saying goes? In any case, having stars in your eyes is understandable. Here you are, falling for this great guy, and then you find out he's Mr. Moneybags! You probably feel as though you've hit the jackpot (yes, pun intended). But, take heed. The bloom on the rose may fade and while financial stability is great, nothing in life is guaranteed, so take your time getting to know him. Work toward your own sense of financial independence and never give that up for anyone. Being able to walk away if things get rough and know that you will be OK is the key to living life safely on your own terms. Enjoy the perks of dating a man who lives in a world of privilege, but don't let yourself get swept up in the fancy things and forget what's important. If he truly makes you happy and you see a future together, that's fantastic. But, if you start making excuses for him because you are seeing dollar signs, pull back and re-examine what kind of person you want to be. Yes, financial stability is important, but having personal integrity and self-worth should never be up for sale.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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